Resistant vs Cautious/Have You Ever Sensed This in Therapy?

I don't know why he used it in a negative sense, but many therapists still believe that resistance is a choice not to change or stay stuck. IMO, this isn't helpful even if it were to be true. What do you plan on doing?

We have briefly discussed it and never really resolved the matter. We just moved onto other things which felt like my therapist was avoiding.
If the problems I have with therapy in it of itself don't get resolved I will probably terminate.
I honestly dont want to but it is an option.
I dont see myself getting another therapist because I don't like idea of disclosing my life to a stranger all over again.

Playing it by ear for now.

Thanks for asking

I wish you the best. You have a right to express your opinion, and I hope you do so. I hope you can teel your therapist that you feel he is avoiding what you want to talk about. Maybe start out with, I really would like to talk about something dealing with our therapeutic relationship, but I am really unsure of how to do this or if I should? Take care and Keep us posted.

wow, this is a keeper!!!

Maybe the T just mentioned it so that it could be discussed?

lol, I never thought of that before. Plus, it isn't as fun as analyzing

Perhaps.

such good thoughts and input.

I just have major trust issues...lol

you're right that is a keeper

I totally agree that compliance isn't trust. To me, compliance is a lack of trust, a lack of feeling free to be onesself, possibly for the fear of not being accepted. Not only is that not therapeutical, it can be very damaging. I believe that people's self states need to be accepted for who they are and where they are at any given point in time. Acceptance equals.change. I was constantly trying to get my xT to accept me, to understand what I needed. He never could. I should have left a long time ago but I was so attached to him, that I chose him over me. I will never disrespect myself again or let anyone else do that. Thanks for your comment!

Doubt my T would ever call me resistant. I brought up that I might be resisting and he said "Oh well." He's good to work around it and find ways to get me engaged.
I see it more as cautious and I do think T's that use the word 'resistant' are a bit hot headed. Resistance means the T needs to do something differently. It's not the clients fault. I don't think, anywho.

As I reread this post of mine today, I realized that I have grown. I am not triggered by what I wrote, whereas before, I would have regretted writing this in the slim chance that my xT would read this and be angry/refuse to ever see me again/hate me. Here, I am truly expressing my anger, not anger that is hiding pain, but anger at how I handled the situation and how I had no regard for myself, but not in a self-hatred way. More like I'm accepting who I am in the moment.

I feel empowered by actually expressing what I really feel and not feeling guilty about it. I'm not worrying if the slim chance that my xT would ever in a billion years come across this post, that it would hurt his feelings or if he would be vindictive and try to hurt me back (IF he was hurt). He is responsible for his own emotions.

Before, I would have either retracted this post or I would have written another post saying something positive about xT and our therapeutical relationship, trying to undo what I said. I still have another part of me that cares about him as this part does, but my self-states aren't opposing how I feel or the fact that I am expressing it (which usually felt dangerous unless I was enraged). I am holding anger, disappointment, and caring all at once. And it isn't unbearable, in fact, it feels a little better than okay. I feel like my self-states are accepting each other. I feel like I am on the path to feeling peace, I'm not exactly there yet. A house divided cannot stand (for long). Reconstruction can't be too far ahead.

Very cool and very exciting. THanks for sharing. It's nice to see and hear about progress as well as the numerous problems we share.

You go AMatter! I have seen so much growth in you!

Yes, my T said he was “sorry” that I “chose” to be upset by something he had said to me. At another time he said he was “sorry” that I “felt that way” when I told him I was upset as a result of something else he had said to me. From what I understand, these are passive-aggressive responses which he worded in this way so as to take the “heat” off himself.
I understand your annoyance about your T telling you that you were being resistant. I agree that the word resistant has a negative connotation, while the word cautious has a positive one.
To me, being resistant to something implies that you are pushing someone or something away; that you have made up your mind that you won’t go down a certain path, regardless of new information and/or help that is being offered to you. It makes it sound like you are being inflexible and stubborn.
Being cautious, on the other hand, implies that rather than pushing anyone or anything away, you are considering what has been offered to you. You are weighing things up, thinking about all of the possible consequences, both negative and positive, so as to ensure that your final decision and/or action doesn’t leave you feeling vulnerable or hurt.
The motive behind cautious thought is self-protection and for someone who hasn’t been protected when s/he should have been, I think that the motivation to ensure this protection of one’s self would be inherently strong.
I hope this helps you.
Bluey J

Thank you bluey, and the way that you explain your poimt is so straightforward and simple. It makes you wonder why the obviousness of the word doesn't jar the therapist the same way. They act like cautious is a word that offends them.
And maybe it does...becuse it levels the power differential by simply displaying awareness.
In my opinion a person feeling cautious on their own is commendable.

I get the feeling that my therapist discovered that day that I refused tp be in a dominant/submissive relationship in that room. Equal or nothing...which actually forces a more real interaction.
I say, so what!
So my therapist is working harder outside the traditional techniques of therapy.
So my therapist is forced to use language that esteems me first and reduces my vulnerability.
I make no apologies whatsoever for not allowing my self to be exposed to the detriment that may cost me if I didn't advocate for myself.
I win some... I lose some...
What better way to experience the feeling of winning except in therapy, where role playing is acceptable?
who needs to win more than me and that room?

If my therapist wants to be my doctor... the only 1 doing homework will be my therapist.
So T, here's your assignment for the night...
Watch, "Good Will Hunting" for the 50th time and realize I am not Matt Damon and you are not Robin Williams.
Then, resolve that the next time we meet there will be no more challenges between us.
Im hurting and I need a person as much as a doctor to talk to.
If you find me in a closet, don't be afraid to come in after me because of some rule or technique. Come in after me and we'll both walk out laughing at my absurd behavior.
Only I know the secret to me and it has nothing to do with disclosure and everything to do with discovery.
Pour water into a cup and it becomes the cup.
Pour psychology into me and it becomes me.
You cant ask the water to stay on one side of the cup any more than you can ask psychology to stay on one side of me.
I don't look like a normal cup. I am a malformed version of what I was supposed to be and that makes me vulnerable and cautious, not resistant.
Dear T, I will let you see me if you'll put in the same effort discovering me as I do disclosing me.

GB

While not all therapists agree - what you say seems very consistent to me with Rogerian/Person-Centered Approach. That approach says that there are three conditions that are necessary and sufficient for growth to occur, and is premised on an egalitarian relationship. the 3 conditions are 1) positive regard for the client (even when the client admits to awful behavior - but hte regard is for the client's ability to grow, not for the behavior), 2) empathetic undertsanding, and 3) congruence (the therapist owns when his own stuff is interfering - without making the session about his issues.

I believe the research suggests that the most important factor in therapy is the relationship between therapist and client, and if you view experienced therapists from several different disciplines, you won't find all that much difference in the techniques.

I agree with the 3 necessary and sufficient conditions, although I have found that some techniques can be used to enhance the experience (e.g. 1) some CBT if offered as suggestions to consider, not as solutions or direction, 2) mindfulness (if if offered as suggestions to consider, not as solutions or direction) 3) Internal Family Systems (if offered as a way to discover oneself and the client is the one who knows what is going on internally). I imagine some others

I wonder about hte role of lowered boundaries. Some people say they enhance therapy. Some say it is risky. I've never figured out how to balance those two.[/QUOTE]

Hi GB,

I agree with you when you say that a person feeling cautious on their own is commendable. It demonstrates to me that you are able to trust your own thoughts and judgements. Maybe ask your therapist why he doesn't see this in a positive way.

My response to reading your last paragraph (ie your third one) was an emotional one. I found your words heartbreaking in some places, but mainly hopeful and beautiful.

I also see that your words convey a strength and confidence in yourself, which may very well come from this trust of your own thoughts and judgements that I mentioned above. You know what you need to help you - not everyone is able to develop this awareness.

I agree, that live, you have a good handle of what you want and need, and how you need to receive it. It feels empowering just to read your posts. I like the way you frame things. I don't see you as trying to control things, but I don't think that having control in your own therapy is a bad thing. I think it shows that you want to get better, that you know how this is going to happen, and that you are working toward those goals. You express yourself very creatively, it is a gift you have, and I highly suspect that you will get to your destination. Be well, my friend.