Stupid confusing therapy

Nightsky
Thinking about you. . .

Hankster, it's a simple error. I think there is some confusion here about what Nightsky wrote. I read it as she(Nightsky) was hesistant about sharing the information with T last Spring. As they work through it now, Nightsky is sharing more information. T is learning, maybe for the first time, the extent of her knowledge of this object.

I think if Nightsky had felt safe last Spring, she might have shared more information. I don't see it as manipulative, as much as, I see it as protective. ( IDK, I may be projecting my own stuff here). Anywho. I know Nightsky DOES have her own voice and articulates things quite well, I just hoped to say, I saw your comment as one with good intent.

No, he was surprised in session when I told him about it. He found out when he and I talked about it when I was there.

(((((((SB))))))

Back when all of this was going on, I really didn't understand the extent of what was being said, until I was occasionally blindsided by it. I was told over and over again "let's just keep this between us" and I was honoring that, and trying to keep T out of it. There was a TON going on that I wasn't aware of, because T obviously wasn't going to tell me and she wasn't either.

Once I realized that she WAS still telling things about me - that WEREN'T TRUE - I started standing up for myself. But I still didn't tell all of the details because most of them weren't related to the lying stuff. It turns out, though, that they WERE related, big time, to my sense of safety and importance. I'm getting it, slowly.

When I got sui a few months ago it was because it really HIT ME how much it was my past being replayed - I was being told "don't tell" and I wasn't telling, and I was getting hurt over and over again as a result. Ugh.

It was all so tangled. I remember asking T in the spring "why can't we just be done with this?" I so didn't understand what was going on until I finally DID and by then it was such a mess.

I hope the mess gets cleaned up someday.

It's been such a long uphill battle, but it sounds like you are working your way through it. You are finding your voice and it sounds like T does hear you too. It sounds like T reacted defensively because he wasn't expecting what you said to him about it all. It sounds like he did make a big mistake again, in the way he handle this too. He didn't make you feel validated, or heard, or even valued. It's like this whole big thing (not just this last mistake) has forced you to confront your biggest wounds in a way that you shouldn't have had to. It wasn't fair that it began to play out again like it once did. You've been so strong in getting through this, and you are using your voice. I think you will make it through the mess, but I hope it's really, really soon.

Thank you for reminding me about this. It's easy for me to forget that in the beginning, she didn't look like a malicious whackjob -- this whole situation just seemed like a speedbump. I'd forgotten about her wanting to keep it between you.

This most certainly does resemble a CSA situation, even moreso than I had been seeing before. How conniving . But it all comes back to your T bringing it all into the room with him. I really hope he is learning something from this.

I haven't posted but I read it all, nightsky. I want to wave my magic wand and make it all better for you. You are such a wonderful person and deserve to have all of this worked out to your satisfaction. My thoughts and prayers are with you in resolving this with your T.

I shall go and kick your t in the teeth.
Then while he is distracted we can take not only that item, but every other item in the room that is distressing you.
We can then have a bonfire outside of his window.
After which you can say "ef you t, there are way better fish in the sea".

because YOU MATTER. And I am pissed that he can't do this one little thing.

Nightsky - this entire situation seems so convoluted. Although I agree with what Farmgirl has written, I still am scratching my head, perplexed as to why your T can't just move the object. It sounds like it is a box that is not too large? Seriously couldn't he just move it while you are in session? Could you put something on it when you come in? I would probably plop my purse right on it when I entered the room.

Hey PC Friends...

Just a quick update.

I saw T today and he really sincerely apologized for how everything went down on Wednesday. I don't know why he wasn't hearing me, but he just. didn't. get. it. He did explain today why he couldn't move the item (in a vague, completely confidential way), but what he did do was shift it in such a way that it would take major effort on my part to see it...and I don't want to see it (that was the whole point), so I guess that is our compromise solution.

And he seemed to get how incongruent it all seemed...telling me "you matter, blah blah blah, let's make it safe for you here" and then reacting so strongly to the one request I had, without any explanation.

As a bonus, he moved something else without me even asking. And THAT helped a lot, actually.

Just those little shifts were all I needed. Almost nothing changed in the office, but the little changes made me feel heard and understood.

I had a wicked migraine all through my session, so I spent a lot of it just laying on the couch and not talking. Which made it kind of a weird session, but it was okay.

I really do think T is committed to working through all of this with me. I think we're just going to have to put up with each others "humanness" as we go. Hopefully a little bit less of his, and a little bit more of mine.

As I said before, I don't know the history here, but I think I understand that this T has a CSA background, and that there is a pattern of ruptures that appears related to his issues. If he has not fully recovered to the extent that his therapy is unaffected, the question becomes, does your understandable attachment to him justify the impediments his issues seem to be creating for your recovery?

I don't know the challenges you're facing, and I know some people are proponents of the benefits of seeing a therapist who shares the same issues as the client; and I admit that I have real concerns about this idea in practice, and I wouldn't want it for myself, and a couple of experiences I had with this did not turn out well. But I do think if one pursues this approach, there's a real need on the part of both client and therapist to keep examining the interaction at the forefront to make sure the process stays on track. And therapist supervision in such a case would also be a very good safeguard.

If I'm posing a question that you've spent time considering in the past, I apologize. I hope there's a way it can all work out for you.

Nightsky I've been reading this thread (and your story) but haven't so far commented. This time though I do want to post and say that's really great news about your most recent session. I had been sitting here thinking, is it really so bad, asking so much, such an impingement, psychologically dysfunctional blah blah to want T to make a concession about something in the therapy room (I've had a psychoanalytic T before who would on principle refuse to do something I asked of him, knee jerk reaction really...) and so I was thinking that maybe there was some deep and meaningful therapeutic reason for your T's refusal to even consider your request. And finding it hard to see any benefit in it whatsoever...

So I am really glad that it was his being off that was behind his refusal and that he's now acceded and at least a little bit understood your reasons for wanting the object moved.

I am also glad that you both seem back on track again. You deserve a medal for all your hard work and determination to make this therapy keep working. I'd been following your therapy story for ages and was really staggered to read about the massive ruptures that have been going on this year. So this is a good resolution, for now at least. Good for you Nightsky

Torn