Therapist rescuing client

I agree that we can't make others happy, nor that others can make us happy. My H has told me that his goal is for me to be happy, and when I'm not or can't be, he thinks it is his fault, and it is burdensome. It is something to work on, definitely.

I don't think our therapist can make us happy, but I do think that some people, including myself, have to depend on the therapist for awhile more than usual in order to deal with traumatic issues, due to things like having structural dissociation intended to block out painful issues. I used to have no hope that I would ever get past this, but I think after I work through a lot of things that I will find the other side.

I am glad that you and your husband were able to work through things and that you both are in a better place. It must have been hard work, but clearly it has paid off.

You will. It takes a lot of time and perseverance, but you can get there.

I don't see the dependence or love and support thing either. The one I see does not really do anything. I am not sure what I would depend upon the woman to do or what she does that would be classified as love (which I hope does not happen) or support (which I am pretty sure does not happen).

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I don't know if it's "healthy" in the psycho babble sense but it sure would feel good to have someone rescue me. How could showing love and support for someone be bad? Unless it's not offered with true feelings for the client. That would be bad. Remember people that some of us don't have families or real support systems to fall back on. Some of us don't know how or maybe just don't want to be so self sufficient that they need no one. It is a lonely world for some people out there.

BTW, that was a beautifully written OP, thanks Sunne!

If that's your definition of "being rescued", no, there is probably nothing wrong with that.

This, of course, begs the question, "What does 'rescuing' mean in the therapeudic relationship?"

Quote:

Originally Posted by nothingtolivefor I fall short of it also and I absolutely have no 1 except myself in this world. that's why I join this website to be around people like me so I wouldn't have to feel so alone I'm just hoping for all of us. I honestly didn't mean to make something sound easy when it couldn't be more difficult.

To Live,

You are not alone. I am right next to you.

I am also often hanging out at your page, in your galleries, staring at your beautiful artwork.

You need to keep more in your fridge to drink, however. I like lemonade.

To be,

-Fleeing

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Good question Farmergirl. I'd be interested in hearing replies to that.

I like the discussions in here.

The original post was about me. It's become a dance of sorts. I use my many tools my therapist has given me. He gently reminds me to use them. I do well for a few days, then the emotions that I have been trying to work through bubble over the top and I am in crisis. T is available immediately (even when not in crisis) and he holds my emotions. It's almost like when the crisis hits he is the only one who can get the emotions to stop. When I release the emotions to him, it's a massive release and then I'm better. The cycle starts again.

I should say, he is a humanistic trauma therapist. He does not try and stop attachment or transference and is very accepting of me in totality. He is very consistent and gentle in his approach. He is very involved in my life. Daily.
But he is like my anchor and at the same time my life boat.

I have never learned how to cope. I'm in my early 30's and from 14 - 31 I had a very destructive lifestyle. I won't get into specifics, but I never felt that I deserved... my own love, let alone anyone else's. I might even say that I really was trying to destroy myself. Destroy the things inside I didn't understand. (I am much much less destructive now!)
So all of this is very foreign to me. But I am extremely insightful and very motivated to get better. I believe this is why my therapist is so invested. He does see my trajectory as being very good.

I suppose the point of this, from my understanding is being able to incorporate his love for me into my own value system. By him showing me my worthiness by allowing me to show him my emotions (and in some cases act out), him being able to contain them, and accept them... really does show me I am worthy. That I am able to accept myself and my own emotions. I suppose this is what he sees me as needing and what will help me heal.

I do know that my worthiness needs to come from within. But I do believe that this can be done by the therapist being the 'mirror' to allow those feelings to grow within me.

Reading through this thread made me realize that my therapist is not 'rescuing' me per say. He certainly knows that he can fix my problem usually immediately, which might be causing problems because he wants to fix it this way when things get out of hand. Sometimes I think my therapist can't stand how much pain I'm in.

I suppose in a lot of cases the therapist does save the client. The therapist shows the client that they are worthy, and the client internalizes this and does learn to save themselves over time.

We all want to be worthy. We all want to know we are worthy of love. And we are. We are because we are human beings. We all suffer, we all feel. Having someone bear witness to our suffering and accept that suffering.. can let us know and truly learn that we can witness our own and in time not be afraid of our pain. That we are not our pain. Our pain is just something we experience.

I think total rescuing might mean that the therapist does not provide the client tools to use on their own in order to cope. The therapist creates dependence and need in the client to always reach out as the way to deal with crisis and difficulties. The therapist NEEDS the client to NEED them. This meets the therapists needs and does not take into account the clients need to become their own person who can help themselves. I think it would be more about the therapist then the client.
The therapist probably has some narcissistic need to have their clients depend on them in order for them to feel like they are doing a good job and are a good therapist.

By this definition the therapist does not rescue me.. nor would I want him too.

I like your description. I imagine sometimes it's very hard to know you are being rescued at the time - it can feel so good. I think parents can sometimes have the same problem, and sometimes maybe it requires some distance to know if it's the T's needs being met, or the client's.

Sunne, I think what you're describing between you and your therapist has plenty of potential -- it sounds like you know that what should be happening is that you see his mirroring of the way you should value you yourself. I think if your goal is to internalize that, you're doing fine.

It's always a tricky balance. Relationships like the one you describe are intense (I know -- I used to talk to my T for 5 hours a week and e-mail him every day, at HIS suggestion), and always have the potential to go south if either person loses sight of the ultimate goal. We'd all love someone to save us from ourselves, and I imagine most T's would love to believe they can save their clients, but in reality something more complex should be going on. Just keep moving forward, and don't get trapped in repetitive roles.

I hope you can find a way to see yourself as the worthy person that your T does.

I love the way you cheer me up. I can get some lemonade.

I think you have done an incredible job articulating very complex and nuanced ideas in your posts.

I think there will come for all clients when they are no longer interested in their T showing them that they are worthy, because they feel that for themselves. Whatever saving a T does is fine by me, and I don't believe it's an endless cycle, until the client feels strong enough to save themselves. I believe that this will happen, unless the T is incompetent and does not gently encourage the client to do more saving themselves, bit by bit and over time.

In my job as a lawyer, there are times when I have chosen to do more for a client than I needed to, more than I was paid for, and more than I knew would be productive in a legal sense. What I feel is that at the end of my career, I will not say "I wish I had done more to save __." I have never been sorry that I have pushed myself to give more.

I would think that it is the same for T's. I just can't imagine anyone saying "I wish I had helped her LESS", unless it is in the rare situation where they might realize that they created dependency rather than rescue. Because rescue to me implies that it was something that a client could not truly do for herself but that needed to be done. To me dependency means that you create an enduring belief in the client that she cannot do it herself.

There is certainly a lot of complex things going on in my therapy. Why don't they tell us how it works? I mean, my T has said that he wants me to be able to develop object consistency so I can 'hold him' in my mind without always reaching and wanting. Part of that is internalizing the things he tells me and how he treats me. I think it's working, but it's not quite there yet.
So strange how that works.

My T and I are really close and yes, it can be quite intense. Sometimes the crisis is directly from the relationship because of the intensity and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm the only client he allows this with, he wouldn't have any time if he allowed it with the rest! He does not have really firm boundaries, I suppose from being humanistic in approach. But it works with me. I do find that trying to bend the boundaries and 'acting out' allows me to learn about my own boundaries and what is appropriate. It's almost like I'm a child again learning everything over again. I tell him every feeling I have towards him and he always accepts it and is honored by it.

He is very authentic and honest with me. He has told me he has counter-transference towards me, that he at times struggles with. But he has never and would never do anything to harm me. We both know how much we would hate ourselves after and that basically the world would implode on itself. His number one priority is keeping me safe. We have talked about me going somewhere else (because of the mutual feelings) but he doesn't believe I would get what I need from someone else. I have to agree. Being totally real about feelings allows for a very deep relationship.

It's very strange, and complex, and intense, and beautiful, and it hurts a great deal at times. My therapy isn't for everyone I am sure. But it works for me.
It's deep and pulls at the roots of who I am.

Not sure how any of what I just said had to do with being rescued! More about the complexity of the relationship. I suppose! But perhaps it's not HIM that's rescuing me, but the actual love and authenticity of our relationship.

I know you understand SallyBrown!

I agree with this. This has helped me realize that my T is doing the right thing. He knows I WILL be capable of doing it myself, which is why I get all the tools in my box to use. Then the times he knows I need him, he's there.

For a long time (forever I suppose) I didn't know how to ask for help. I ran instead. T knows this, and has taught me that asking for help can be safe.

My Mother did not believe me when I reached out to her. She said I was lying because she was in denial of my issues. I learned that it was unsafe to bring your problems to others.. or that I was not worthy to do this.