struggling

In the middle of the biggest rupture I have ever had with t.

To make matters worse, after my session on Sat, I was thrust into an OCD nightmare. I am in therapy for OCD, and doing exposure therapy (little by little exposing yourself to what sets off the OCD, and then restraining from compulsing by using coping strategies). Up until now, t has been supportive and great about it: letting me go at my own pace, helping me break it down into doable steps, etc. It has been really tricky because as a t, she is supposed to push me to confront the OCD, but also because I have such serious issues, to not push too far.

Which is what happened on Saturday. I really wanted her to help me work out a plan for a big thing that needs to be worked on. And she didn't help me. she just said, "you have to learn to deal with it". well thats what we are doing the exposure therapy before. believe me, if i could get rid of my OCD, i would. Does she think I enjoy it? UGH. anyway, she wouldn't help me make a plan, even though I told her now was not a good time (I had a meet this weekend and I have finals coming up... I dont need the added stress). She just said, "there will never be a good time..." WTF. That is so invalidating. So I got home, and I was thrust into facing this trigger. I was not reddy to deal with it at all. I freaked out, major panic set in, I literally ended up sitting at the top of the stairs, just sobbing.

Later, I texted t in anger, saying "this is YOUR fault". i know I shouldn't have done that, but I need her to see how bad it was. I respect her judgement and up into now, she has always been right in pushing me outside my limits. But I feel like I specifically told her that I wasn't ready, and that I needed help. And she did not respond accordingly... instead pushing me over the edge. I am now not talking to her. I am hurt and I dont know how to fix what happened. I really just want her to admit that maybe she shouldn't have done what she did.