struggling

In the middle of the biggest rupture I have ever had with t.

To make matters worse, after my session on Sat, I was thrust into an OCD nightmare. I am in therapy for OCD, and doing exposure therapy (little by little exposing yourself to what sets off the OCD, and then restraining from compulsing by using coping strategies). Up until now, t has been supportive and great about it: letting me go at my own pace, helping me break it down into doable steps, etc. It has been really tricky because as a t, she is supposed to push me to confront the OCD, but also because I have such serious issues, to not push too far.

Which is what happened on Saturday. I really wanted her to help me work out a plan for a big thing that needs to be worked on. And she didn't help me. she just said, "you have to learn to deal with it". well thats what we are doing the exposure therapy before. believe me, if i could get rid of my OCD, i would. Does she think I enjoy it? UGH. anyway, she wouldn't help me make a plan, even though I told her now was not a good time (I had a meet this weekend and I have finals coming up... I dont need the added stress). She just said, "there will never be a good time..." WTF. That is so invalidating. So I got home, and I was thrust into facing this trigger. I was not reddy to deal with it at all. I freaked out, major panic set in, I literally ended up sitting at the top of the stairs, just sobbing.

Later, I texted t in anger, saying "this is YOUR fault". i know I shouldn't have done that, but I need her to see how bad it was. I respect her judgement and up into now, she has always been right in pushing me outside my limits. But I feel like I specifically told her that I wasn't ready, and that I needed help. And she did not respond accordingly... instead pushing me over the edge. I am now not talking to her. I am hurt and I dont know how to fix what happened. I really just want her to admit that maybe she shouldn't have done what she did.

Well, to a degree that is true. But the Christmas season is probably the worst time of all. Couldn't it wait until after the break?

Refusing to talk to her isn't going to help your situation; it will only create more stress for you.

She's right on one hand; there never is a good time to work on the difficult things. And if you were in apparent distress or having apparent problems with whatever the issue is, THAT IS the time to work on it, even if the idea is scary.

I suspect she has worked with you on plans before, right? What have you learned previously that you could apply to this situation? Perhaps that is what she is trying to get you to do--use the skills you already have. It is quite probable that you already "know" how to deal with this and your T knows that and wants you to actually use the skills and resources she has already taught you. Is that what is going on? (I'm just guessing here because you haven't given much detail to go on.)

It's hard to be told to use what we have learned previously when we really want our T's to "fix" things for us and "make" things better. How about this? Can you write down exactly what "plans" or "steps" your T has taught you to follow/use/apply when you are having difficulties? Then, can you really walk yourself through those steps/plans diligently and see if perhaps she is right, you really do already have the plans/steps to work through this or at least some of this? Then, if after really outlining it and trying you still aren't feeling well, you can at least show your T you have recalled and gone through the steps as you understand them and that at this point you need some assistance in understanding/using them. That would seem like a really good compromise: she would be able to see you really are trying to use what you know, and you would be able to specifically ask for help with whatever part of the plan/steps aren't working for you.

Just a thought. Stubbornly refusing to talk to her isn't going to work. Refusing to attempt to do this at all on your own is not going to work. A real effort that you can show her coupled with a discussion about your specific difficulties might be the ticket. Think about it.

I think I hear that something seems to have changed with the T. She used to feel very supportive and wise about when and how much to push you, but this time it felt very UNsupportive. You've been able to work out steps that push you towards dealing with the OCD, but this time she didn't pay attention to your steps and pushed you to do more. And with finals and a meet, now did not seem to you a good time to push your limits. And you felt angry and judgmental. You still respect her judgments, but you also wanted to be listened to, and you really want her to admit she made a mistake, and it seems like that would make the hurt go away.

I hear that you are feeling scared (I guess a panic attack would be scared!) and hear that you are very very angry. Confused about what to do and yearning to be able to fix things and not feel disconnected.

It sounds like you would like more safety & choice in your connection to her.

Is it like that? Is there more?

Swimmy
Maybe your T has changed since her operation. Maybe she see's things differently now. I know this is not a good thing for you but she seems to be back to work very soon, I hope she is not taking things out on you.
I do agree that not talking to her will only hurt you, not her.

I was thinking - I wonder if it would be helpful to have a support person with you when you talk to her (and I understand finding an appropriate support person may not be an easy task). I imagine talking to her right now is very difficult, and I also hear that she places herself in a power-over relationship with you. Perhaps I am mistaken and it isn't like that. If it is, it seems like you are in a difficult situation - it's lousy if you don't talk to try and resolve it, and difficult to work things out when you are being diagnosed and judged contrary to your own experience. Is it like that? is it different? is there more? Maybe a support person would be too much?

Maybe it's time to consider how long you want to punish her for leaving you.

I suspect you've worked together on plans and steps, as farmergirl said. Perhaps refusing to use those skills in session was your way of trying to force her to prove, again, that she cares about you. And she decided not to play that game. So now your anger is "justified."

But how does this help you?

I know what to do. But I need her to back me on it. Becuase of family issues, i will have no support in my endeavors unless she supports it. So yes I wanted her to plan it out for me, but in the end, all i really wanted was for her to support me in the plan I had made (which was to do it slowly).

I am so sorry you are struggling Miswimmy. This is YOUR therapy. As far as OCD goes, I suspect that you were able to push yourself when you trusted your T and because you trusted her. I think that the most important thing to do now would be.to work on reconnecting. I wish your T felt the same? It is extremely difficult to function when your attachment issues are triggered, it causes one to be disconnected. gotta go, more later.

You need to go into your therapist and advocate for yourself. This is your therapy, and you are in charge. Tell her what you aren't willing to do, what you are willing to do, and what is negotiable.

Tell her how hurt you were by what she said, and tell her why. Start out by telling her that you need to say things that you have been holding back. TELL her you have been holding things back because you don't want to hurt her, but by doing this you are hurting you. Ask her point blank why she said "Are you going to fire me?" and the other things that you found questionable. Get it out on the table. It will be difficult, but I think that communicating how you feel/what you think is imperative. Tell her that you are having difficulty trusting her, and ask her if she is okay with you focusing on reconnecting. Make goals for yourself, like, at this point, this is where I want to be, and share them with her. Tell her that you are not looking to depend on her forever, but that you do need her now. Ask her if she has any issues with this.

I think communication is the only way through this, Miswimmy. I want you to believe in yourself, and I want to chart your own course, because you have enormous potential that has already manifested and that will continue to lead you where you want to go.

I wish I had done this, but I didn't, and I regret it.
I want things to be better for YOU

Swimmy-
I am sorry you are struggling right now.

I also understand wanting t to "plan it out" for you. For a long time I wanted my t to do that for me as well. I wanted her to tell me how to fix it. It took me months to realize that 1) t would not do that because she cared about me. 2) by not doing the planning for me, t was teaching me what I needed to learn.

T sometimes says a change happened this summer and I stopped playing "victim" and started taking control of my issues. (I am not implying that you are playing victim. I am only speaking about my own experience.) Once I realized this, my relationship with t became much stronger. I no longer took offense at her pushing when it was necessary. I became much more open to t's suggestions. I also found it much easier to ask t for exactly what I needed. I could be specific with my requests. If I needed a skill, I asked her to help me specifically with that skill.

I am not sure if this is at all helpful for you. I think looking at what you wrote, you initially wanted t to do the work that only you can do...but deep inside you knew that what you really wanted support in doing the work yourself. Is it possible for you to ask t very specifically for the support you need?

T wants you to have exposure, to use your tools.

You don't disagree but you think that the exposure she has in mind is excessive, particularly given the long separation you just survived.

I can't figure out what percentage each of you is right. But I do know that T is not automatically right just because she is T.

I agree with Antimatter (#10). Talk everything through, clearly and honestly state your concerns, listen to what she has to say in response, and proceed as you think best.

I agree too. I don't think Ts are always wrong (although I question the wisdom of TELLING -as opposed to suggesting - what the answer is), but I don't think they are always right either - and I get to decide for me! Even if I'm wrong, I know what I can handle today.

Hi Swimmy,
I'm so sorry this is going on!
You've been through so much with the long separation, the holidays are coming up, finals ETC! Now deffinetely wasn't the time for exposure therapy! You knew this, or at least that the exposure had to be at your own pace. I think t should have trusted you on this.
I agree with antimatter and others, that as hard as it is you and she talking is the only way to fix things. In my oppinion, she should remember too that you're living at home with family that doesn't support you and causes more stress. She really is your only support.
Have you ever thought of joining a support group for those with OCD? Or really any mental health group? When I went to DBSA, there were a lot of people there with OCD and they seemed to really understand and support one another. This could help you too.