Contemplating Therapy

I really like my therapist, he is very skilled and compassionate in session. I have called him twice, and he has called me back.

Calling him, though, isn't recommended, it is a last resort kind of thing.

I'm fine with that. Until I start feeling vulnerable/distrustful or I start feeling that he is the only one in the world who can relieve my stress.

I get it, I understand. I have to be responsible for myself. I have to find people outside of therapy.

I HATE myself, and I HATE the part of me that becomes attached. I despise it, it has caused me nothing but pain. I didn't ask for it, and I don't want it. I have tried acceptance, tried taking care of myself, and in the end I end up failing and getting angry as hell. I am so angry at all of this. I totally depleted my last therapist, and I am now desperately trying to push down any anger, feeling like I want to have another session, feeling like I want some kind of contact. I don't want to feel this way. Who would?

Others are talking about losing faith in their therapists, I am starting to lose faith in myself. Seing a therapist is pain. I am losing faith in the possibility that I might get better. I can't see it. I regret that this is the person I have been. So many regrets.

Is therapy worth the pain? I guess for some it gets better, but I don't think it will for me. I am tired of being in pain, which only begets pain. There is no answer to my problem that I can fathom. Hopelessness is rushing in. . .