[RaKku]

Hello all,

So from my previous posts I had been writing whether or not I should stop therapy. The past session was especially hard because my session started late and I ended it early. All sorts of thoughts bubbled up since my last session and I really thought I was about done with therapy.

So fast forward yesterday, I met with my T and didn't know if it was going to be my last time seeing her. At first I had my defenses up and kept my composure. I told her there really wasn't anything "wrong" with her per say, but that I didn't like "the system." I explained that I didn't like how we are supposed to meet X amount of minutes, how we had to pay for insurance, how we need to go through meds and the insane amounts of money the companies are making off of us, how there are people (like in PC) who are suffering from confusion after leaving a session in therapy.

I mentioned how hurt I was when she told me to open up to her in therapy, but only to be shot down again and again when I said I wanted to be friends. I told her I am taking meds now because yes, I am anxious, but anxious BECAUSE I am coming to therapy and talking to her. Therapy was causing me anxiety and I was taking meds to combat that - it sounded so backwards.

By this time my composure was already out the window, just bawling like crazy because I was confused. Confused what I should do, confused if I should trust my T whom I had been seeing 2+ years, confused if therapy was really helping me or just hurting me, confused if my T had other motives in helping me like advancing her career in therapy.

I wanted my T to care for me, I wanted her to be genuine to me, but most importantly, I wanted her to REALLY help me without other motives. In the end, my T admitted she cared for me, but that I had to accept that there are other motives in play if I can accept it. She said decisions are often made with many different motives and frankly, expecting that relationships with just one "pure" motive is unrealistic.

This was really hard for me to swallow because I so wanted her to be..."pure" to me - whatever that may be.

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After 45 minutes passed of ups and downs in our conversation the breakthrough came when I mentioned that I didn't like her crossing her legs during therapy because it seemed too business like (yeah, I have weird demands ). We just had a huge laugh and she mentioned that it wasn't because she was trying to be "professional" but she had been sitting all day and her back was aching. I felt horrible when she mentioned that her back ached and told her I didn't know that and she could sit whatever way she wanted if it made her feel better.

The funny thing is, that laughter probably broke the tension that I had with her. What followed next wasn't happy talking (in fact I cried and accused her some more), but at least I felt a little closer to her. Seeing her laugh just...made me happy.

In the end I decided to stay with my T. Did I resolve all my issues with her? No. Did I get my more questions than answers? Probably. But I decided, at least for yesterday, that I am going to stick with my T through the ups and MANY downs.

Isn't that what relationships are all about?

[CantExplain]

Attachment can be painful, and those of us with strong attachment often take a long time to come to terms with the limitations of the relationship.

I just wanted her to adopt me!

[Miswimmy1]

I totally get where you are coming from. It can be so hard to navigate the t/client relationship ((hug)). But it sounds like you are making great strides in attempting to rationalize it all. I think you will come to see that it gets a little bit easier over time. Congrats to you for making the decision to stick it out