Jealous

Feeling jealous.

Went to spin class for the first time in two months. I wasn't able to go when I was in the outpatient program and then I was sick with the flu a few days after I ended the program.

My T takes the same spin class and after class I overheard her conversation with one of the spin instructor how her daughter just came back from a 3 week trip for school in Tuscany. The conversation then changed to vacations in general and T talked to the group about one of her family vacations years ago when her kids were small.

I feel jealous that I didn't have the mom who boasted about me. I didn't have the mom who was supportive of me. I didn't have the mom that wanted to spend time with me. I didn't have a mom that ever doted on me.

Growing up and as a teen I was lucky to have a few articles of clothing to wear and I would pray that she would remember to pick me up from my first job (there were many times I would have to walk home several miles or bum a ride off of a coworker or a neighbor). I felt like garbage growing up and I still hold onto some of that feeling. Always comparing myself to others and how I'm 'less than them', 'less than deserving'. Just barely getting by in life. Falling down is a reminder of how I'm a failure and not deserving but I keep getting up and trying hoping to one day succeed.

It was painful to hear my T talk about her family vacation/s and her daughter.

I enjoy seeing my T in spin but there is a down side

I don't want to share this with T as I don't want her to feel self conscious in her 'down time'.

This is hitting me really hard (the reality of my childhood and my mom). Another layer of the onion has been pealed back and it hurts like hell.

I can see how painful that would be. Could you bring up the subject with your T without mentioning that she triggered it? This wound will keep getting triggered until it is dealt with.

I agree with Sannah, this is something you should talk about. Just use someone else as your example.

I would think, if it were me, perhaps it could be useful to try a different spin class.

I can't answer as to how to handle the situation, but I wanted to compliment you on being considerate and thinking of how it would affect "her" downtime. Cheers

Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion. Unfortunately this is the only spin class that fits in with my schedule and I really enjoy the others in the class plus I love the spin instructor (she is also my running partner).

And 99% of the time I find it comforting to see my T (except for when I'm being triggered liked today).

I want to 'conquer the experience' and look at this as a learning opportunity not a running away opportunity.

I hope it goes well for you and that it gets resolved.
I don't think choosing a different spin class would have to be considered running away, but rather one setting boundaries for one's own self best interest. But I do wish you well in resolving the parts you want resolved.

Very well said, Stopdog.

((Jeez))

Update: I managed to talk to my T about this but not mentioning it had anything to do with something she said. I told my T (and it's true) about a conversation I had with a friend who was talking about how close she was to her mom and dad. I told my T for me it was such a contrast because of what I experienced up. My T then said: "Your parents aren't all that bad are they? If you called them they would be there for you and help you right?"

My Answer: "I never called on my parents or if I did I pretty much bet that they wouldn't be there for me." - I then explained to my T the countless examples where my mom or dad would not pick me up at a said agreed upon location (like my work as a teen) and I would have to call a neighbor to come pick me up or bum a ride off of a coworker etc....
My mom always told me: "figure it out I'm busy"

I'm sorry you had to grow up with that. If it helps my mom wasn't there for me either. She would rather be working than spending time at home. My parents split up when I was young and I lived with my dad. Your mom not showing interest and support doesn't make you any less of a person. It just means she didn't do what she should have, and that is make her child feel important as you are.

I'm glad that you were able to talk about this with your T.