Too Little, Too Late?

I'm wondering if the break is your attempt at the idea of T feeling concerned, sad or missing you...or hurt because you were feeling hurt by T's lack of response to you. Pushing T away with the idea of it causing her some kind of emotional pain. Retribution, perhaps. Or just a way of pulling out information to confirm T's caring for you.

I do think it is not a coincidence that now you are keeping her waiting.

skysblue, when I was deeply hurt and trying desperately to avoid getting any closer with my T, I discussed with him that I thought it might be better if I changed therapists. He had told me previously, that it would bother him and he would be sad if I left therapy with him. Partly, I was just in agony and trying to find a way to talk about what I needed to, and to find a way to escape my feelings. I really did think that it would be easier to talk about this one particular issue with my previous therapist. But also, I DID want to bother my T. I wanted to be the one kind of pushing HIM away for once. He and I discussed the situation at length, and we did finally address both the topic I was avoid, and my feelings for my T and his feelings for me. All of which was incredibly productive and healing. Food for thought. I'm definitely not telling you what to do.

Hey, guys, don't you find it exhausting to try to figure these ol' emotions and then 'wrassle' them to the ground? But my T would advise that I not fight them but get to know them and befriend them. Doesn't those 'wise' words just make ya wanna puke somtimes?

YG: Well, you're still listening to those wise words, aren't you? So, they must resonate a bit. Right?

Me: I guess so. You guys (aka Confuseduk) offered the idea that 'better late than never' might be a wiser attitude to take than "too little, too late". Can't argue with that.

YG: But you still ARE arguing, aren't you?

Me: Yeah, you know how it is - old habits die hard, if they die at all. And then you guys (aka MUE) wondered if my leaving message with T that I might take a break in therapy was also an attempt at revenge or inflicting punishment on my T. I actually believed that I was trying to be more honest with her by letting her know that stuff was going on with me. But possibly my hidden agenda IS to see how SHE reacts with the thought of losing ME. Gawd, I hate game playing and am I playing a game right now? You guys (aka Elliemay) strongly suspect that I am.

YG: Well, are you?

Me: I don't want to. But my emotions are just so screwed up now and I'm so confused. I mean, listen - I have 3 (THREE) immediate issues. #1 the reason I texted T in first place #2 my emotional reaction that she didn't reply #3 my emotional space now as I try to figure out what to do.

YG: Tough.

Me: But I don't want it to be tough. I want to be done with it. I want to just forget about therapy. You know - I've been thinking the past day how I really do not need to continue. The money saved would be awesome AND I think I've been more responsible for my emotional growth than T has been. *I* have done the hard work. *I* have done the intense study. *I* have pushed myself. What has T done except just witness?

YG: Well, what HAS she done?

Me: I do concede that having a witness is a powerful advantage to emotional growth. A witness who is there to support and guide. No doubt about it. I just think maybe I don't need that anymore.

YG: That may be true. Do you have objections about discussing this with your T? If this thought has value and substance, it might be worthwhile to explore with her.

Me: Hmmmm. Then why do I feel fear about seeing her again? And I also feel grief about the possibility of not seeing her again.

YG: Hey, didn't your T say that emotions are emissaries from a deeper place and that listening to their message could be very valuable?

Me: Oh man. I wish I could send those emissaries back to where they came from. You guys (aka MKAC) touched on the point of pushing T away because of the hurt and fear. I wish MKAC could offer some suggestions on how to overcome that fear in order to approach T.

YG: Maybe keep looking for the answer inside. You've found guidance there before, right?

Me: Yeah - but another thing you don't yet know about me is how lazy I am. I just don't want to do the work. It's dang hard work, ya know.

YG: It sure is. And, like always, it's your choice.

skysblue, I overcame that fear by coming on PC and reading other people's stories. There were so many people on here who showed me the way, and that having the courage to just walk through that door, and then sit down and just spit out that first sentence would not kill me and might help me. There were so many people acknowledging with me how incredibly hard the work is, how painful it is to rip off the band-aids we so laboriously put on as children, to peel back the coverings on those wounds. But, they kept telling me that was the way to heal those wounds. Peel it back, let someone else see, and have that someone help you see that the wounds do not define you. They do not make you gross or unworthy.

I think the fear is probably a good clue that taking a break from therapy is more about avoiding pain than anything else you have listed. And it is scary. No way around that. I do think a good therapist can help dissipate that fear, if you give him or her a chance.

My whole life is overflowing with fear. I have lots of anxiety issues - phobias, GAD, OCD-like traits, panic disorder... etc etc etc. I don't really understand what it would feel like to be relaxed.

I have learned that overcoming fear comes only AFTER pushing my way past it. I need to stand up against whatever is scaring me and do it anyway. I make a decision to go ahead in spite of the fear. Fear is uncomfortable, but it is not going to kill me.

Whenever I start wanting to back away because I am scared, I remind myself that doing something different is the ONLY way I am going to get better. It's not fun. I do like the pride that comes afterwards though. Do it enough times and you start to realize how tough you really are.

I will second this wise perception. I get a large sense of accomplishment from making choices not based on fear, but on how I want to be. If I look back at my life, I can see that all my worst choices were based in avoiding fear, being safe, and I just really refuse to live cringing and flinching all the time.

I get what it's like to climb your Mt. Everest. I've been working on something for months now that is so scary for me, but just is actually an innocuous item living in my T's office, that it borders on the absurd. I'm not avoiding it, I am taking teeny weeny steps towards making this thing into something detoxified.

But it's still better than cringing and flinching and being absorbed by fear. Fear sucks. Me vs. Fear, I kick fear's ***. Well, maybe eventually.

Yep. This. Skysblue, I was one of those kids that used to be afraid of everything. One of these things was scary masks. Halloween and costume shops were like living nightmares to me.

My parents would try to explain it. They tried reason, "It's just a mask, it's not the real thing." Yes I know it's a mask, I'm not an idiot, I am SCARED. They were clearly frustrated and pretty much decided to get frustrated about it or laugh about it rather than DO anything about it. Apparently they expected the fear to disappear in some undefined way.

It doesn't. Fear doesn't go away with your confronting it, and surviving. Sometime when I was still in elementary school, I decided that I would walk by costume shops on purpose, and purposely walk down the Halloween aisle at the supermarket. I was so f***ing scared it physically hurt.

I was scared of dogs, too (probably due to my mom, who is afraid of dogs), so I forced myself to stand still in the presence of dogs, and let them sniff me, though my heart was racing.

I could watch people play in the park with dogs all day, and I could watch someone put on and take off a mask. I knew that my friend's pets weren't murderous monsters and that the rubber thing hanging on a hook wasn't alive. I wasn't dumb, and you aren't, either. You know that you should tell T about your reaction, because she can't read your mind, and it will be better if the boundaries are in the open, rather than inferred and never clarified. You know that. You can even know WHY you're afraid, which is certainly useful in its own way.

But fear doesn't go away without being confronted. I got this reputation as this fearless chick eventually, which made me realize that the most courageous people are the ones who are absolutely terrified, but do it anyway -- they aren't fearless. With no fear to endure, there is no courage.

I really think you can do this, and I really think your fear will stay with you until you do. You can run away if you like. But when you run, you don't run from fear -- that will stay with you. You run from the opportunity to confront it.

Hey, you guys - awesome feedback, suggestions, comments, questions. Your sharing of your thoughts and your personal experiences is very very helpful. Thank you. Thought you should know that I texted T this afternoon that I WOULD come to next appointment next Wednesday. I couldn't stand the thought that I might be jerking her around or trying to manipulate her. AND, it removes one more item from my plate of emotional issues to address.

I think that's really great that you're going back. I could never get over these things until I went back and talked about it. I do hope your appointment helps. And hey, I'm still going back to mine after she didn't call me back the one time I reached out in between appointments asking for help. T got back to me through text, heard how bad I was (I was very clear and said things I never usually say). T gave me an emergency phone number for the first time in four years, then arranged a phone call for the next morning. Turns out she crashed her car in the morning, organised stuff around that, went to work, then left the city. She hadn't remembered the promised call the day after she was supposed to call, two days after my desperate cry for help. Ouch. I'm really sensitive about being forgotten too, so I'm still working on it. I really hope this works out for the best and that you at least find some relief.

And when I mentioned my fear about returning and wanting to not go back, my T did, at times, interpret that as "it would be like a f*** you". I'm not sure you were intending to manipulate, not consciously. At least, I don't think I was. I was just hurt. T still managed to put quite a negative spin on it though. Heh!

So, an interesting thing is happening, guys - the whole incident with T not replying to my texts is receding into the background of my memory. I suspect that by next week when I see T, it will have been completely forgotten.

And since it is receding, I'm beginning to think that it really is no big deal. And that's true. It's no big deal. So, now I can be free of the whole thing. Forgotten. Yaaay!!!

YG: Looks like what's happening has happened so many times in your life. All that 'no big deal' stuff gets buried and suppressed.

Me: huh?

skysblue, I know you know this, but you need to discuss this subject with your T so you are not still dealing with it months from now.

Got to agree with MKAC here, though I obviously don't know your story and history terribly well, it just sounds eminently sensible what MKAC is suggesting, that you don't let this texting episode slip away into the 'no big deal' box in your head (where yeah I bet it starts banging on the lid at some unspecified future date) but do at least mention it to T when you see her.

And I'm really glad you ARE going back to see her. Well done you (if that doesn't sound too patronizing, I just think it's a good thing you've done for yourself there .)

Torn

You guys ( stopdog, pbutton, MKAC, Anne 2.0, MUE, confuseduk, shlump, likelife, Torn Mind, Lola, critterlady, pachyderm, Rainbow8, she imp, dreamy, Miguel'smom, precious things, murray, elliemay, Sally Brown, just some girl, Nellie Cat, photostotake, ReadytoStop, tigergirl, SAWE, hankster, nightlight, and all others I mistakenly have left out of this list) are totally, wonderfully awesome. The strength of PC is the strength and support we offer each other. I am humbled and delighted that you not only put up with my ramblings but also offer such insightful comments or supportive gestures.

But, now, back to the ol' ponderings. My quest is and has been to understand fear. What IS it?
WHY is it? WHERE does it come from?

YG: Sounds like a pretty 'small' research project. (just kidding).

Me: The next few days I will examine even more intently those questions. Facing T next Wednesday is a huge impetus towards finding some answers.

YG: If we come up with any ideas, we'll be sure to share them with you.

Me: Greatly appreciated. My challenge is to organize a ton of disparate thoughts and bring them to a kind of organized 'layout' to better understand and therefore (optimistically) to be able to overcome fear.

YG: Like always, good luck.

I remember my very 1st session with T more than 2 years ago. I had brought in a written list of what issues I felt needed attention and one of those issues was that I felt that my feelings got hurt too easily. When my T heard that, she asked, "What's wrong with having hurt feelings?"

YG: Wow, how did you respond? What was it like getting a question like that?

Me: Honestly, I was shocked. I thought - 'what is she talking about? Feelings being hurt easily is a BIG problem and she's asking what's wrong with that?'

YG: Seems like a strange question from T. So, how'd you answer her?

Me: Well, at first I couldn't answer and finally was able to stammer, "They cause me to act dysfunctionally." (great thinking on my feet, right? )

YG: So, what'd T say then?

Me: Well, it was like I gave the 'right' answer.

YG: But you still remember this small interchange 2 years later. Why?

Me: I guess it comes back to the idea that there is nothing wrong or bad or dysfunctional about FEELINGS. Maybe the idea that running from some discomfort creates its own problems. Like if we accept some of the discomfort, maybe the feelings wouldn't FEEL so bad. idk

Sorry, you guys, for keeping pounding away at this but it's such an illusive quest and it's so helpful to share my struggle with you that I keep on keeping on. Again, my apologies

So, except for those who are facing physical pain and their fear is easily understood, my fear makes no sense. Fear of talking to T about her not responding to my texts? How petty, how pitiful.

YG: That's how you see it?

Me: I guess so. You know how it is - that same self reflection that only sees a spoiled brat in action who whines at the slightest provocation

YG: That must make your exploration even more difficult.

Me: Yeah, it does but right now I'm feeling committed to figuring it out. I'm thinking that the fear must be a fear of feelings. The fear is about not wanting to experience shame, embarrassment, neediness, anger, disappointment and on and on.

YG: So it's a fear of the DISCOMFORT of feelings. And, anything else?

Me: Yeah, I think it's not only the discomfort but the potential lack of control. I mean, what if I start crying? Or what if I lash out in anger? Or what if my face turns beet red from embarrassment? Or what if I get so nervous I can't even talk?

YG: Well, what if...?

Along the same lines as lack of control (huge fear for me too), does giving T "power", in the sense that she may say something that brings on a reaction that you can't help, play a role a role all? Helplessness, I guess.

Is this kind of about perfectionism? I was late for the bus this morning and ended up missing my appointment but T just rescheduled me for this afternoon. I had to call him and say "I messed up." Doing this used to be such a huge huge huge huge deal. It finally isn't. I brought him a bag of uncooked quinoa and told him I wanted to throw it around the room like confetti. But omg my mother and the nuns - I don't know whoever! - had me feeling like my imperfections signalled the end of the world. Hmm maybe they did. If you don't watch your kids when they're little, they better stay on the couch or else they could get hurt.

Well, guys, I'm gonna do a little 'jig' or maybe it's a 'jag'. I'm gonna expand my issue of fear into a global question of existentialism and survival of the species.

YG: What?????

Me: Hey, I warned you that I'm prone to diversion. And nothing better than contemplating grand theories to get me off my 'poor me' soapbox. (although it seems I've climbed onto another soapbox)

YG: Yeah, we know you get drearily philosophical at times. And we know that you're a master at avoidance. But, hey, we can put up with it.

Me: This is the time for you to take your long awaited nap and catch up with me later.

YG: Probably will take you up on that idea of a snooze. See you later.

Me: Okay. this is the theory that just popped up into my head. Not sure if it will be helpful in managing my own fear but sometimes when I can get a broader perspective, it IS helpful.

This also ties into Lola's, CE's and others' discussion of self-worth. I have not contributed to that discussion because I'm not sure about the whole topic of self-worth.

But what if the fear of painful feelings DOES have an evolutionary source? What if it IS tied into the idea of self-worth?

Physical survival was much more of a impending concern in the olden days. And, realistically if you didn't have 'worth', you didn't survive. "Worth", in this context means the ability to contribute to the survival of oneself and one's tribe.

Could there be an ancient impression on our evolutionary brains that monitors our worth in regards to survival?

In our modern Western cultures, physical survival does not take up so much of our brain energy but is is possible that there's a 'code' inside that still monitors our 'worth' for survival.

So, could it be that the painful feelings of shame, embarrassment, etc. and the fear of those same emotions could be tied into our sense of survival?

And taking the logic (imperfect, I know) further, could that same fear be really a fear of death even though the situation does in no way offer a risk of death?

So, could it be, in a strange and wildly crazy way, that my fear of seeing T next week and exposing my weaknesses to her is a fear of dying?

But maybe there is a middle ground, between this receding into the background and being unimportant, and this being something that threatens to take your control of your emotions away?

When things like this first happened to me in therapy, I was helped a lot by talking about them, but honestly, I did shut away the emotions to a degree and it felt silly. Like my huge overreaction didn't matter. I still talked a bit about it and T helped me to deal with it and I understood more about it. Similar situations have happened to me many times over the years, T's made a fair few mistakes, and sometimes I've just overreacted. I now manage much bigger mistakes from her than I once could, I understand things about them that I didn't before, and I think perhaps I'm also more tolerant of similar things happening in other areas of my life. It's really helped me a lot to talk it through...and to survive it. I hope that you do talk about it. Hopefully your T realises that there's something in this, having caused you to cancel in the way you did, and then she can help you to work through it.

IMO. you may wanna reel this idea back in and replay it....this time keep it simple.
Life can't be this complicated or I will never win and I may even refuse to play.
I thought this was about T hurting your feelings and you wanting to run and pretending it's ok based on a logical argument you came up with about not needing therapy anymore? This timing says otherwise.

Is it possible you passed your turn on this train of thought because it seemed to obvious?