Friends w/ T

I totally get the being jealous of her daughter!
I know I would like to stay in contact with my current therapist after I've terminated (can we ever know we've really terminated for good), but not as a friend (that was an issue with a different therapist) but I can't figure out what it would look like that would be comfortable.

I love your phrase "strange transference attraction" It's a perfect description. I hadn't thought about hte fantasies revealing something about me - excellent point.

I did a similar thing once, and I felt like you did. And I would do it again. Sometimes things happen and priorities change, and then because they are extraordinary circumstances, things snap back to the way they were.

You made me think of something I hadn't thought of before. If the Clnt&T become friends, then it must be meeting some of the personal needs of the T. Otherwise it's at best a very unhealthy friendship. And I'm not very excited about paying for my therapist to get their needs met. If that is what is happening I should get a reduced fee - and how in teh world would you figure out what is an appropriate reduced fee.

I still stumble over people who have told me it worked for them. I wish I knew more about what they were talking about.

Yeah. I thought of that with my current therapist. He seems so close to perfect, although I'm sure he isn't and sometimes get little hints that he has his own issues and isn't perfect. But I like him being almost perfect as my therapist.

I agree with you. I've seen the whole gamut from occasional helping out, to what would be a more conventional "friendship" (although all I know is they label it as such, Id ont' know what it looks like). I probably should have labeled my thread as something about boundaries.

[/QUOTE]I think this is a different question than about being friends. I think it really depends on the T and the client. My T often eats when we are together and sometimes offers me some of his food. When my T goes out right before my session to get a coffee, he sometimes brings me back the kind of hot drink he knows I like. When something awful had happened in my life and I hadn't slept all night or eaten anything and showed up at T looking pretty dog-eared, my T brewed me a cup of tea, and put a big piece of carrot cake in my hands and took care of me. Some would consider this pushing boundaries, but it was helpful, enriching, and memorable to me (but it did not mean we were friends). [/QUOTE]
[COLOR="rgb(65, 105, 225)"] The acts of kindness & walks you describe sound lovely. I agree with you, I wouldn't see that crossing any lines.
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Friendship-lite is kinda what I enjoy with her.[/QUOTE]
LOVE IT. It's perfect.

After - it is how that therapy experience ended. She was my mother's age so it was not as odd that I did not know as much about her. And then we also talked about ideas mostly - not so much about like who we were dating or such.

Thanks Stopdog for explaining. That makes a lot of sense to me.

Never had a friend relationship with T but wish I could. Life is short and you don't meet many people that you're going to connect with. I would take the risk to be a friend, but that's easy for me to say because I know I can be trusted. Too bad there are so many rules...but then, I don't let rules dictate my life. T would never go for it.

I think therapists do get some personal needs met as they conduct therapy with clients

Our therapy may meet their need to feel accomplished, or an altruistic need to feel like they are helping someone. We may meet a need they feel to be in a nurturing role, or a teaching role. I'm sure there are more.

The important thing is for them to be aware of it, and to ensure that their needs are always secondary and never take precedence over meeting the clients therapeutic needs.

I hadn't either until I actually wrote that post! Writing about stuff like this really helps sort it out in my head, that's why I think PC is good T

I agree and disagree. I know my therapist gets his professional needs met of being competent, contributing to the lives of others, contributing something worthwhile to society. That seems okay to me, and I don't mind paying for that. I don't thnk I meet any of his personal needs for affiliation, play, intimacy. Although perhaps some need for humor is included in our sessions.

Perhaps I was thinking of one person in particular and generalizing to all. If I think more, I can see how friendships could evolve over time in a healthy way. ON the other hand, I guess I think there are times that it could evolve in unhealthy and unfair ways. I think your last statement is key - their needs are secondary and never take precedence. I agree with you. I think I was thinking of relationships that went beyond that parameter even though I was still paying.

I love my T and have no idea where I would be without her. I cant imagine ever having another therapist that could be a better fit for me. I've never wanted to be her friend. I think in some way we are friends......just a different kind. I love being around T.....shes one of the only people in my life who in the same hour I can laugh, joke, be serious, be sad, be confused, be whatever I need to be and shes right there with me. I cant do that with my friends. I hope to be able to someday....to be a whole person all the time. If I could spend everyday with my T I would....but I would want it to be like therapy...not like hanging out with friends. The emotional connection that I have with her and that she is able to pull out of me is what I need. If we were friends...that would be completely different. The magic wouldnt be there. I wouldnt trade that magic for anything.

I TOTALLY agree! I would be mortified if I thought my therapist *needed* me in a personal way. The therapeutic nature of the relationship would be wholly lost if she relied in me in any way to meet her needs for friendship, or if she looked to me to satisfy any needs that spring from her own insecuritiescor longings. She is fairly liberal with info about herself etc, and there have been a handful of times she's slipped a little and has talked a little *too* much or has seemed to be enjoying the conversation too much. Makes me uncomfortable. I haven't had to say anything yet, and I would feel awful if it came to that. Fortunately, she manages to slide back into her role of it being all about *me* when I start looking disinterested etc.

I find it so strange, but I've found the same thing - sometimes I learn very important things as I hear myself say it - or watch my fingers type it. I understand there is actually some neurological research on this about using different neural pathways to speak than to think (very over-generalized).

I think we are in agreement, and I appreciate you clarifying things and helping me clarify my own thinking.

I have an odd relationship wth my t. Not quite friends and not quite just t/ client. We are very close and she shares a lot of her life with me. I guess she is more of a mentor than just a t.