Letter to T about Mood Swings

Mood Swings

When I came out of depression, I had many years of mood swings. I accept that these mood swings were part of my sickness and nobody’s fault.

I think you responded to my mood swings by not responding. Your policy was to be a fixed point in my turning world. It that correct?

I wonder if this was really the best strategy. What I wanted was for you to take active steps against the swings. For instance, you could have given more when I needed more.

My analogy is this. A central bank can keep interest rates permanently fixed. But experience has shown that it is better for the economy to raise interest rates during a boom and to lower them during a recession.

More generally, stabilisation means working against the cyclical forces. I don’t believe you did this, tried to do this or even wanted to do this. You didn’t teach me any skill to cope with mood swings either. It felt like you abandoned me. You were physically present but withheld what I needed. And I’m still sad and angry about that.

Is this a letter than you intend to give or send to your T?

I'm curious, there's no need for you to reply, about how you felt after writing this, was it helpful to you in any way? If you intend to give it to your T, what are you looking for in response?

I'm with Anne CE, what are you hoping to gain from T with this?
Sounds to me like maybe she did teach you something (to be self sufficient) by withholding what you wanted her to give you. You do talk about these mood swings past tense, as in you over came them. They are supposed to teach a man to fish, no provide the fish right? I can see being sad and angry about it but not at her, more at the situation and the fact that you didn't learn this stuff as a younger CE in the first place.

Something like that from me would mean I would want the other person to acknowledge and admit their failure/how wrong they were/that they suck.

There is something uplifting and satisfying to hear someone say they suck.

Not to me, at least not lately. I have my work to do, and what someone else does with their own mistakes, or not, does not change what I need to do to be better.

I meant it more as they are human too.

CE, it seems like you spend a lot of time wanting to change your T.

Maybe she gave you what you needed not what you've wanted from her?
Cause it seemed to have worked (i.e. you don't have them anymore).

My question would be, how do you know what you did and what she did? How can you describe it as you moved and she didn't? And how can you be "mad" about that? I don't understand. But I do think some of the posts are unsupportive. Mine just wonders how you can look over the past and see what you did so clearly, because my own feelings and actions are just a blur to me.

I think telling someone you want them to admit they mishandled something is a fair thing to want.

It's definitely fair, but in my experience there are precious few people whose egos are sturdy enough to actually own their mistakes in judgment.

So while *wanting* it might be fair, *expecting* it might be very disappointing.

True - I don't think one can expect it. But telling them how badly they failed you is perfectly okay and wanting them to admit it is something okay to want. I do not think expecting an admission from a therapist is any different from expecting them to do anything else useful.
I want a jetson car and a jet pack and can't have those either. I want them, I don't expect them.

My t calls my backpack a jetpack. I'm starting to believe him. And many years ago he wrote a college paper on car sharing and now that's what I do. I do need more IRL friends.

I understand. I don't have much doubt about anyone's humanness these days. I don't see any perfect people around me.