04-JAN Session: Abandonment

When I arrived, my body was afraid although my mind and heart knew everything would be all right. Why does the body act like a frightened two-year-old who won’t believe even a trusted parent to tell him there’s nothing to be scared of? I talked about this to T.

Me: I think a very primitive part of me is afraid he’s going to be punished.

T: What for?

Me: For sending you that email saying that I felt abandoned. It was only one email, and I didn’t accuse you of anything or say I hate you. It was all very civilised. It is irrational to imagine I would be punished for that.

T: So what, irrationally, did you feel?

Me: Because we skipped a session I felt, irrationally, that you had abandoned me. I blamed you and was angry with you.

T: I like it when you are clear with me like that.

Me: But even though I knew it was irrational, those feelings bled into my other relationships. I was hypersensitive to rejection, and even though I knew that, it did nothing to reduce the feelings. I felt that others rejected me and I overreacted to that.

T: You’d rather not have feelings?

Me: Sometimes feelings are appropriate. There are rational fears. There are times when it makes sense to be angry. There are situations where any sane person would be sad. But there are also exaggerated feelings, out of all proportion to the stimulus. And I would be free of those if I could.

I don’t recall how T responded to that. Probably I wasn’t ready to accept it.

Oh boy...between the email and the abandonment, if I'd done what you did and talked about what you did, guess what would happen?

I'm the yellow one and T is the green one:



I'd be punished while T is telling me I'm not.

I'm glad your T is much more understanding than my own.

Thanks!

Wow Chopin, I've probably missed loads of your history, but that makes me feel very sad to read in your post that your T would punish you for the same thing CE expressed in T. Don't really know what to say

CE I love these little vignettes of your session, they encapsulate a LOT of interesting stuff behind a few short sentences. Sounds like you're doing a lot of good work with this T .

Torn

That was a good and constructive conversation, CE. At least, that's how it feels to me. Do you agree that it was good?

I love this exchange. It shows great growth in you, because even though you did not avoid the abandonment from bleeding into your other relationships you were able to identify. You can't fix things that you don't identify. Good Job.

This sounds like my holiday freakouts, where I go around picking a fight with everyone and anyone. Btw my birthday is next Sunday so everybody beware I'm on the warpath!

No wish to hijack so, Chopin, how 'bout starting a thread telling us what's been going on lately. You've been quiet and previously you've been supportive to a certain degree of how your T does therapy. (I have not). Has something changed in your opinion?

I agree with those who see great progress in your being able to recognize that you were overreacting. Not only did you realize it during your session with T, but you actually realized the overreaction while it was happening, or shortly afterwards. You posted about it and worked through it. You have an awful lot to be proud of, and thanks for sharing it.

What I wanted was skills, tools, a plan. T never gives me that.

Yes, but I am impatient to get to the next step. T never seems to share my sense of urgency.

My ultimate goal is to avoid irrational feelings altogether. I don't think T even agrees that's a good goal.

You think I was picking a fight with T?

I'm afraid that this is sterile knowledge, in that it doesn't lead to action.

I've remembered a bit more:

T: Why didn’t you ask for an extra session to replace the one we lost?

Me: I didn’t realise the effect of the missed session until it was too late. Anyway, it would have been an emergency session, and we know from experience that emergency sessions don’t work.

T: Haven’t we learned from that?

Me: Yes! We’ve learned not to try again.

I think T was trying to persuade me to try again in spite of my experience. But that’s not learning, is it? It’s the exact opposite of learning.

It hasn't led to action YET, but I have found that sometimes when I am back at the same choice point after increased awareness, I make a different decision and engage in a different action.

Don't underestimate yourself.

No. Two things you said in the OP jumped out at me, about feeling abandoned and about feeling like you're going to be punished. That's how an infant would feel having a grumpy caretaker appear. Pretty sure that's how I felt. That's how I felt going home even a few years ago. That's how I feel at holidays.

Is that because she does psychodynamic therapy? I can recognise this from my T, who is also psychodynamic. I assume, given the fact that you are very open with your T, that you have told her you want these things?

I agree! If that's what your T wanted you to learn, she's certainly going about it in an odd way.

CE - this freedom is such a large part of my quest in therapy! Thanks for spelling it out with such great clarity.

I wish you would not say, however, that you probably don't remember T's response because you were not ready. It's possible she didn't say anything, because you were not done talking and it's something she could say a lot about.
Or if she did reply, and you just can't recall it, maybe because what you said (about what you would be free of, if you could) took a lot of energy for you to speak aloud, and you were focused on getting it out, getting it out right.

You can go back and open this again - when you are ready - but please don't beat yourself up for where you are on the path. I do that myself, and there's no good can come out of it.

Yes, I have told her. I'm trying to find an Aspergers specialist, largely in the hope that they will offer more structure and more specific advice.

I have emailed three such specialists, but a week later, there has been no response from any of them. Time to get on the phone.

I will ask her again.

But I have observed that I don't remember stuff I'm not ready for. I regard this as an established fact.

I don't doubt you, but it's not the only reason you might not remember.