Life or death. #### possible trigger####

I was just wondering, when I go through bad times and feel like I want to die I also know that if I was to be diagnosed with some terrible illness I would fight tooth and nail to live. It's bizarre. It makes me feel so selfish which doesn't help matters. I just wondered if anyone else struggles with the conflict.
I hope this is ok to post. I am not suicidal and am keeping safe I just wanted to know if other people know the feeling.

I really do understand where you are coming from. I was going through a really dark depression, and had suicidal thoughts literally ALL the time. I was trailering a horse somewhere to ride to try to feel better. She fell in the trailer and couldn't get up. I didn't know any better, and got in the trailer with her to try to help her up. She just kicked the holy living SNOT out of me. I was holding onto the side of the trailer as hard as I could, because I knew if I fell, I was dying. And I even thought at the time, if I really want to die, all I have to do is let go, and no one would even blame me or know I did it on purpose. But I didn't. When it came right down to it, I didn't really want to die.

For me It was never about dying. It is more like I wanted the hurt to stop and the pain to go away and the only thing I thought would make that happen was dying. But in the end ,I don't believe people who are suicidal really are reaching for death because they wanna die. I think it's the only option that they see right then.

What she said!!

I will tell you that I am in a dark place right now..but I often think about a situation in which I would have to fight for my life, and I think that I would do it. It is a weird, complex issue.

I'm sorry you are in a bad space right now. It's such a weird and complex issue as you said. I think for me it is a longing to have it all stop and get some peace. Hang on in there and I hope you feel better soon.

For me, it hasn't been so much about dying, rather than about not being SO much afraid to live... I still am terrified to live my life... I'm sorry you feel that way, but don't give up..

I am fighting to stay alive now... but I do know how you feel, I have been thereon the opposite side too. Talk about it with someone. Get help, find a way out. Keeping the thoughts to yourself is no good.

A wise person told me that suicidal thoughts are qualitative: they state that we are in *this much* pain.

Like avoidance, on steroids.

Yes. That's exactly how I feel. It's not really about dying so much as just wanting to escape from everything I'm feeling. Usually, when I'm feeling that way, my thoughts are more along the line of "I need to get out, I need to get away, I need these feelings to stop, I want to just be DONE...."

This is so right on. Everytime I get the flu or a cold, I know if I just let it go, I can get pneumonia and punch my ticket, who would know? But as soon as I start feeling cruddy, I go looking to get better, no question. It is weird.

I feel guilty because I know if I were diagnosed with something, that others fight so hard to get through, let's say cancer...I would feel so relieved because it would be a ticket out and I wouldn't fight it. For me it would be like someone telling me I was done and I would say "finally"...and let it go.

It is very complex and I have to agree with Lolacabanna. I think it is about escaping our pain and hurt. I also think that we are survivors and when we are put into a dangerous situation something kicks in, like a chemical and makes us subconsiously fight for our life.
When we are suicidal our thoughts are not clear and can become quite sinister. I think a lot of people especially men feel they can't tell anyone what is troubling them and feel that suicide is their only way out. It takes a lot of guts to go a head and do it and sometimes we can't separate our thoughts anymore and we don't know which thoughts are healty and true and which aren't and this is when something else kicks in and we give up.
I am sorry you are hurting Willow, is there anyone you can talk to IRL about this. I know you said you are not contemplating suicide but you must be having some bad thoughts for this to crop up.

I don't want to commit suicide, but I wish I was dead. I am so sick to death of fighting day to day only to find out I'm not getting better. I am sick to death that I can't get control of myself, but others can control me. I no longer want to be.

Anti
I hope some day soon that all of this pain you are having would just go away.
Not getting control of yourself-yeah, I get that and it sucks. I tell myself a million times a day to pull it together and snap out of this.

I FEEL EXACTLY LIKE THAT to even worse though

Thank you so much for your honest replies. I think it helps to know that I am not alone in these conflicting feelings. The bad thoughts always make me feel so ungrateful and selfish when so many people are fighting for their lives. I'm so sorry so many of us are suffering and wish I knew what to say to everyone to ease the pain, but I don't know how to make it stop for myself. I have talked to t but it doesn't seem to help. I also know the real bad feelings go in waves so if I can ride them out it usually gets a bit better before the next wave arrives. Sending thoughts to everyone here. I hope one day we can beat all this

You would think that would be the case...but it's not. When the "leaving" part is taken out of your control it's torment. We think of sui as a way out, I always thought of it as "I just want to stop my brain", but ultimately it is us deciding. When that decision is taken out of our own thoughts and our own hands we fight like hell to live. Seems so strange, but it's true.