[rainbow8]

That's all I want to say. I'm okay, but I still miss her a lot.

[karebear1]

I know that feeling.... and I get to see her tomorrow. So I can just imagine what you're going through! Sorry Rainbow.

[stopdog]

Sorry you are missing the therapist.

I miss mine too Rainbow. We do phone sessions, but even so, I miss HER, y'know?

[Wren_]

((((rain))))

[ECHOES]

Missing is so hard!

[RuralOwlUK]

My thoughts are with you, as I know how it feels. I miss him lots between sessions and I don't even want to think how much I will miss him when therapy ends in a couple of months.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, everyone. Today I'm too busy to think much about T. (But I miss her)

I miss mine too. Seventeen months of her being gone is a bit too tough for my taste.

[rainbow8]

I emailed T that I am canceling this Tuesday also. I told her I'm okay but I miss her, and I complained about the zoloft. I told her the baby's name. I wish she would email me something. I'm deliberately NOT asking her to write back to confirm that I canceled. If she does, she does. I'm going to be strong though it hurts. The last time I missed 2 weeks she emailed me because it was a long time.

I have to call my DBT leader to cancel next week too. I don't like missing the emotions module that we're doing now. Maybe I will take the course again, which is recommended anyway.

The zoloft isn't making me feel any better. I think I'm better off without it, but I'll stick it out until I try 50 mg.

Rainbow, I wish your t would email you too

[rainbow8]

I wonder if my T is aware that I wish she'd email me, that I didn't know our "rule" would be in effect for this situation. Would it be unhelpful for me to email her to bring that up? Should I try hard to wait it out, at least until I get home (probably on Sunday)? I'm not sure why it's so bad to ask her to email me, since it's 2 weeks, and to tell her I feel hurt that she didn't. I don't want to discuss therapy; I just want to know she's alive!

[stopdog]

Could you reframe it perhaps to look at how far you have come and be proud of yourself for not panicking about the lack of response. The therapist is alive and fine. There is no point to even going down that path. I would suggest celebrating how well you have done for yourself and then with the therapist at the next appointment.

[rainbow8]

stopdog, MOST of me wants to do what you suggested. It's just that child part who wants to be SURE my T is all right. I would feel accomplished if I can wait it out. I know. It's just SO hard, even though I'm busy with my family. I've hardly ever missed two sessions with no contact except when my T went on vacation, and that was traumatic for me.

[stopdog]

I am not saying it is not hard, but I do believe you can do it anyway.

[rainbow8]

I keep posting in my thread because it's hard for me not to email my T about her not replying. I keep thinking: so what if I do, and then she replies? Why is that so terrible? My gut feeling is that I should be able to handle my feelings. I know she said when I get strong feelings, to paint them! I have my water color and paints with me, but no time! I have to do laundry and make dinner. I'm just taking a short break now.

When I'm not on the computer I'm okay, but my H has it out most of the time and he's not on it, now so I'm here.

I know it's silly, but could I have more support for waiting until I see my T to bring up my feelings? I already did something I shouldn't have done. I didn't go on FB, but I googled T and saw a youtube her H made. A few of them, actually. I know that was wrong but it's done and over with. I guess I felt I wanted to connect with her somehow. She wasn't in them, just her kids, briefly. I suppose now I'll get a lot of "you could have stopped yourself, rainbow." I know that already.

So I want to make it until I see her again without more mistakes. I have to write this up for DBT.

[ECHOES]

I keep thinking: so what if I do, and then she replies? Why is that so terrible?

I agree with you. You are missing her when you are posting, and if she replies somewhere along the line, then - yay! But, still, you were missing her when you were posting

You're having a long break and those are really hard. Missing is really hard.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I agree with you. You are missing her when you are posting, and if she replies somewhere along the line, then - yay! But, still, you were missing her when you were posting

You're having a long break and those are really hard. Missing is really hard.

Thank you, ECHOES. That heart is my favorite icon. I don't know what you are agreeing to, though. You think it's okay if I email her and say I feel sad that she didn't email me, or should I wait until my session? Thanks. Is it manipulating her if I "make her" email me?

I think you're doing right to wait until you see her. You can do that. And like you say, you will feel good about yourself when you do - and your T will agree that it was the right thing to do, I'm sure.

[ECHOES]

I don't know what you are agreeing to, though.

I was agreeing to this

I keep posting in my thread because it's hard for me not to email my T

because when I first read your post, I thought that you meant you were feeling bad about posting in your thread in place of emailing your T. And that if you posted about it several times here, then she ended up replying... so what?
So I think I misread initially.

You know your T best. It is hard to know how much email is okay, or not, especially if there have been boundary issues about it.

[rainbow8]

I wrote my feelings in the "Dear T" thread. I want to draw a picture with my grandkids' markers. Not hearing from T is a trigger for me, I realize.

[stopdog]

I think drawing a picture with the markers is a good idea. Have you tried it yet?

[mixedup_emotions]

Honestly, Rainbow, I see absolutely nothing wrong with you reaching out to T.

Missing a couple of sessions is hard for a lot of folks. I'd imagine that if I was going to miss multiple sessions, I would struggle and would reach out to T. And I'd imagine that most people would be understanding of that.

I have the sense that because you have such strong issues surrounding emailing T, it becomes a bigger issue for you.

If you do decide to email T, I like the idea that you would share the turmoil that you've been going through about it all. (( HUGS ))

[rainbow8]

Yes, though I'm really tired! I get up to help the kids get ready for school at 7a.m. which is too early for me, but I want to do it.

It was kind of like my sessions except there weren't any anatomy words! I drew stick figures with me having a sad face. I wrote feelings like: sad, angry, disappointed, rejected, all over the page, and drew tears. I also drew a few blue/green waves of water to show me coping. I colored in red and black. I wrote: why are you punishing me? and "maybe you're dead".
I got my feelings out. I'm a little scared that something is wrong, though.

After all this, I may email her just to ask if she's okay. I don't know. I know I'm ruminating; I'm not on enough zoloft yet. It's unlike her not to answer. I want to be strong, but the more I think about it, the more I think that it's unlike her not to acknowledge the baby's birth.

Thank you for your support, stopdog. I appreciate it a lot!!!!

Seriously, nothing is wrong with her and you know that. In answer to you previous question, YES, emailing her again is manipulative. You have, from the beginning, been trying to manipulate her into breaking the rule for you yet again. If you really want to email her, you are obviously free to do so, but don't go into it trying to deceive yourself about what is actually happening. This is a regression for you.