[franki_j]

I have an intense desire to be taken care of by T, and it is hard because I feel like she wants to take care of me. She is old enough to be my mom and has no kids and she has told me one time that she feels like my mom.

I had to have a colposcopy and a biopsy on Monday, and when I came in on Tuesday, the first thing she asked me, in a very concerned voice, was "How are you feeling?" I told her the gyno told me I had HPV and usually it clears up on its own but one of my friends knows someone who had to get surgery for it, and she said "I hope that doesn't happen." And then she got all worried about my drinking and said she was concerned about it, especially because of the HPV.

Then we were talking about something different, and in the middle of it I randomly interrupted and said that when I am in her office I want to go to sleep. It is true; I feel very safe and comfortable there and I love when she uses her concerned voice with me; it brings up strong feelings for me. And she said that was good, because it means I feel comfortable there and her office is cozy.

We had been talking about something difficult and when I was leaving I turned around said "Thank you for being so understanding," and then I left.
I only see her for 45 minutes per week, and it is so hard because I know that is all the time I have with her. Whenever I leave, I turn around one last time so I can see her face. I know that sounds cheesy but it's true. I wish she was my mom or I could see her more or something. I want her to take care of me and hold me. I have been seeing her for 2 years and while I have learned to be more accepting of these feelings they definitely do not go away. And when she acts concerned about me or tells me it's good that I am comfortable enough to want to go to sleep in her office then it is hard. It would be easier if she were cold or uncaring or something but she is not. I just really love her so much and sometimes it is hard to deal with it because the boundaries are so restricting. I know they are there for a reason and she is very ethical and would never cross them, but it is so hard when you have such strong feelings for someone and can't do anything about it.

I have this ridiculous fantasy where I am badly injured/sick and need to go to her apartment because all the hospitals in the area are closed because of a crisis and she takes care of me until I am better. And then I continue living with her because my apartment is destroyed, but the main part of the fantasy is her taking care of me when I am sick/injured and being in her apartment.
Yes, maybe it sounds ridiculous but there it is.

What you are experiencing is so so normal. When someone is kind to us and shows us regard and cares, its very easy to want that person to be more than what they are and what they can be. Its a lack of safety growing up. As you get futher along in your therapy you are going to learn ways to nurture yourself. The feelings of wanting someone to take care of you may never go away, but it certainly lessens in intensity once you learn how to meet your own needs and nurture yourself. Everyone really has their own way of doing it, and you and your T will figure it out together.

[stopdog]

I think that sort of thing is fairly usual. I don't know if it helps or not to think of it as not unusual.

[unaluna]

Some people call this reparenting. I look at it as, I didn't have that sense of security growing up; I'm trying to incorporate it now..

[LoneWolfie]

I'm glad I am not the only one who feels this way. I have struggled with it and thought it was wrong to want to be cared for an nurtured by someone who has been caring and kind to me. It was a past T and I too have daydreamed/fantasized of her taking care of me if I am sick and injured.

I recently wrote a paragraph on this exact thing to my current t who is a psychiatrist and was embarrassed and ashamed for having these feelings. We have not discussed it as I don't feel ready to bring it up in session. I feel overwhelmed with shame and my pdoc has strict boundaries and is definitely not one to coddle a client.

Maybe in the near future I will have the courage to talk about it. I'm just glad I am not the only one who has these thoughts.

((((((((((((franki j )))))))))))))))))

I have had thoughts like those about my therapist. I'm sorry you are hurting.

[Sannah]

I hope you can learn to enjoy it for what it is.

[wotchermuggle]

I was wondering if I could ask something in relation to the original question. What does it mean if you have these feelings/fantasies about people who are not your therapist, but rather just regular people? Where do those desires come from?

["Tilly may"]

Im sorry that you are hurting. I understand this kind of hurt.
hugs hugs hugs
Cyn

[franki_j]

Hi everyone, just to say thanks so much for responding. I will respond to all your comments tomorrow evening when I have more time.

[wishingtobegentle]

Really moved by your post, franki. I have similar thoughts, too.

Hugs to you.

Frank, that is wonderful to have such a loving relationship with T, yet it's a double edge sword, I get that. I see a male T to avoid that mommy dynamic. I had a female T and I wasn't strong enough to deal with those feelings. I hope you and your T can talk about this.

[franki_j]

Originally Posted by Jersey01

What you are experiencing is so so normal. When someone is kind to us and shows us regard and cares, its very easy to want that person to be more than what they are and what they can be. Its a lack of safety growing up. As you get futher along in your therapy you are going to learn ways to nurture yourself. The feelings of wanting someone to take care of you may never go away, but it certainly lessens in intensity once you learn how to meet your own needs and nurture yourself. Everyone really has their own way of doing it, and you and your T will figure it out together.

Thanks Jersey, I hope so. Although it is hard because T and I usually have so much to talk about that my feelings for her don't come up too much. She knows I am very attached to her and I told her about my transference a couple months ago but we haven't really talked about it since.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think that sort of thing is fairly usual. I don't know if it helps or not to think of it as not unusual.

I know that it is usual but that doesn't stop it from hurting.

Originally Posted by hankster

Some people call this reparenting. I look at it as, I didn't have that sense of security growing up; I'm trying to incorporate it now..

I didn't think my childhood was really insecure growing up, but T does, so idk.

Originally Posted by LoneWolfie

I'm glad I am not the only one who feels this way. I have struggled with it and thought it was wrong to want to be cared for an nurtured by someone who has been caring and kind to me. It was a past T and I too have daydreamed/fantasized of her taking care of me if I am sick and injured.

I recently wrote a paragraph on this exact thing to my current t who is a psychiatrist and was embarrassed and ashamed for having these feelings. We have not discussed it as I don't feel ready to bring it up in session. I feel overwhelmed with shame and my pdoc has strict boundaries and is definitely not one to coddle a client.

Maybe in the near future I will have the courage to talk about it. I'm just glad I am not the only one who has these thoughts.

((((((((((((franki j )))))))))))))))))

Hi LoneWolfie. I also thought my T would think I was a freak if I told her about my transference because she deals almost exclusively with EDs and uses cognitive behavioral therapy and is a Research Scientist at an Ivy League school, so I thought she would just think I was weird b/c she is so scientific and her orientation is CBT and her specialty is not psychoanalysis, but that was not the case at all. She was very accepting.

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

I have had thoughts like those about my therapist. I'm sorry you are hurting.

Thanks roseleigh.

Originally Posted by Sannah

I hope you can learn to enjoy it for what it is.

Sometimes the feelings are enjoyable, other times they are just hard.

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

I was wondering if I could ask something in relation to the original question. What does it mean if you have these feelings/fantasies about people who are not your therapist, but rather just regular people? Where do those desires come from?

I don't know, I have never had these feelings about other people, which is what makes it weirder. Although I would think it would be related to the particular person you have these feelings for and what about them makes you feel this.

Originally Posted by "Tilly may"

Im sorry that you are hurting. I understand this kind of hurt.
hugs hugs hugs
Cyn

Hugs to you too Tilly May.

Originally Posted by wishingtobegentle

Really moved by your post, franki. I have similar thoughts, too.

Thanks wishingtobegentle.

Hugs to you.

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Frank, that is wonderful to have such a loving relationship with T, yet it's a double edge sword, I get that. I see a male T to avoid that mommy dynamic. I had a female T and I wasn't strong enough to deal with those feelings. I hope you and your T can talk about this.

Hi Lola, I don't think it was that you weren't strong I think it was that your T sounded horrible and unsympathetic and unprofessional. And yes, I completely agree that it is wonderful that we have such a great relationship, but like you said, it is hard as well. And I could never have male T!