Thoughts on today's T session.

T thinks that in order for me to get out of my funk that I am in now, really depressed and quiet frankly suicidal.. I need to make a decesion. The first decesion that I need to make is if I want to be married to my h or not?

It is a hard enough question to ask myself, lets pile on the fact that I do not trust myself at all and feel like any decesion I make will be a bad one. I don't know how to make that decesion, because if I decide to stay married I feel like what if I made a wrong choice/if I divorce.. well maybe I made the wrong choice. T says.. I need to learn to trust my insticnts and what makes me happy. Ugh.. hello.. I don't trust myself.

So, anyways.. the session with T was frustrating today and didn't last nearly as long as it ususally does. He said, your appointments are ending in frustration b/c you know you have to make a decesion.. and that is what I keep telling you.

But instead of just making a decesion, shouldn't T say, lets work on trusting yourself and others around you first? Doesn't that make more sense? Or, does he think that is what he is doing when he says that I need to learn how to just go with what feels right??

This isn't marriage, but a year or so into therapy, I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to stay. The drama of that uncertainty definitely impacted my therapy and my life. Eventually, I just decided I HAD to make a decision, no matter what it was. I just had to choose.

You can choose to stay or you can choose to go. OR choose a third option. I chose to table my decision because I (personally) was not in the right frame of mind. The anxiety around deciding receded a bit. When I went back to it later, my head was a little clearer.

If you really can't decide (meaning you don't have a strong, gut reaction one way or the other), it MIGHT be helpful to firmly say that no decision will be made at this time. Revisit it again in a month or two. Ask T to make sure you revisit it.

Just my two cents. I have no experience making marriage decisions. Good luck.

Is your T pushing you to an either/or decision, where you stay married or leave? If so, (and no offense), that may be a bit much to try to work through.

I'm going (was going) through the same issue. That's what drove me to seek therapy in the first place. A few sessions ago, I told my T "I need help coming to a decision on whether to stay in my marriage or leave". T told me "why do you need to decide now? You've been married for 15 years, what's another few months or a year". Then he told me to focus instead on taking care of myself, addressing my own issues, getting myself to where I want to be, THEN address the marriage. He also said that as a result of me changing myself, that may change the dynamics of my marriage, and my husband's attitude toward me.

Perhaps something to bring up to your T is that you want to resolve your own issues first, as you noted, and tell your T that your decision is that you're not going to decide right now.

Hmm. I imagine there is a lot that I don't know, but forcing someone to make a decision about a marriage strikes me uncomfortably. It's the kind of decision that can't even be enforced (people change their minds about these things all the time), about something so important I wouldn't want to do before I had some clarity, and the necessary support for whatever I choose (whether it's to stay under difficult circumstances, stay but ask for some scary changes, leave, something in between). Heck, I think the question is a false choice. It doesn't have to be a yes or no decision. I have a friend who moved out for safety issues that were not directly related to her husband, and it seems they are simply going to stay married and live separately - at least for now. I know another friend who considered buying a duplex and each having one half of the house. People are married in all kinds of ways, for all kinds of reasons.

Well yes! I mean, I think you would have to feel comfortable about YOU first! And I don't know your marriage history, or if you have been to marriage counseling or if you would want to or if it would help (forgive me if you previously posted this info.) But it's a big decision and unless I am missing something, why rush it? He should be more concerned about your state of mind and how best to help YOU.

I was married and we had terrible communication with each other which led to resentment (we got married too quickly) and after seeing two AWFUL couples' therapists I made the decision I wanted out. That was in 2007 and I am still not sure I decided right. If we had a better therapist, would I have felt differently? I was in a more stable place then then I am now, but I feel like I am justified in questioning my decision, even years later. It's a big, important one, and you want to be a "whole you" when you are ready to make it, not just because your T wants you to make some decision; what is HIS hurry?

Good luck and take care of you first, don't pressure yourself about anything bigger than necessary.

Healed, my T gave me the opposite advice. He urged me to give myself permission NOT to decide. He suggested I take the idea of divorce completely off the table. Give myself 6 months in which to just NOT decide and then return to the issue in six months. He suggested I was putting entirely too much pressure on myself and my relationship with H. However at one point, he also offered me the telephone number of a divorce attorney he knows. He has made it clear he will support whatever decision I make, but is trying to help me not put so much pressure on myself or keep thinking I have to decide NOW.

My T points out to me quite often that my anxiety would lessen if I made decisions. Contemplating and indecisiveness leads to anxiety for me. As MKAC mentioned, making a decision needn't be for/against divorce. Deciding to give yourself a certain amount of time...or deciding to take certain steps in order to help you with your decision...are options as well.

Healed...this is my experience...

My H told me something that made me want to throw him out immediately...but instead I went to counseling and then with help of my T convinced my H to go to counseling... we have both worked on our issues... which have immensely helped with marriage issues like communication, connection, etc...

2 years later, it has also revealed alot of the issues that I had that I blamed on my H are really my issues... so now if I want things to be different I'm going to have to do the work for them to be... If I "want" a trusting deep relationship with my H (which he is really working towards) then somehow I'm going to have to work on my ability to trust... my ability to tolerate having someone that close... to handle the fear and flight issues that brings up....

2 years ago... I was justified to have thrown out my H... but I'm glad I didn't...

Guess I'm just sharing this because I feel its dangerous to make rushed decisions that may be based on feelings at a place and time that may not be there forever (feelings change)...why have to decide now?

Also, wondering if this is a chicken or an egg thing... does the depression make you feel gray and icky (how I feel) about your relationships? or does your relationships make you depressed?

ETA: I'm not saying this is true for you but I realized after leaving xT and finding my current T, that I used my marriage issues as a way to avoid working on my issues... like it was so much easier to b i t c h about all of that then to talk about my attachment issues, my fears of letting someone too close, etc because well talking about that meant I had to trust someone and that just brought up all the issues that I needed to resolve and it was a push/ pull painful experience...

I agree Healed, can you just table it for now and focus more on you. Give yourself time to discover what makes you happy etc.?

I think there is a difference between pushing you to make the decision rather than pushing you to make some decisions. I agree with the idea of making smaller decisions rather than the "do I leave or stay" decision.