coming to session 'prepared' vs 'unprepared'

SAWE - Thank you for starting this thread. I've been thinking about this topic a lot since my last session.

T made it very clear to be about a year ago that I was responsible for guiding the sessions and coming up with topics to discuss. So I came what I consider "unprepared" last session. I found myself incredibly anxious going in and told t as much. To sum it up, it was a rough session.

Near the end of the session, T told me she has very few clients who come with a list - me being one of them. I always come to sessions directly from work. It is a five minute or less drive. Often I do not have time at work to think about the session. So, I have to make a list up the night before so I am ready to go when I walk in the door. I keep the list in my journal so I can also reference other writing I've done between sessions. It helps me when my brain goes blank.

If I don't come "prepared" I often get the "I'm not going to do this for you" line from t (meaning she will not come up with topics to discuss - especially when she knows I am avoiding or resisting a topic).... and then I often feel like a failure.

Guess I know what is going on the list for next week.... T asked if I felt like she would be disappointed if I came unprepared and I said no... but I think I really do fear that....and feeling like a therapy failure.

I wonder what t would do if I turned to tables and said, my topic for today is a question for you t... "What topics do you think I am avoiding that we should discuss?"

Sconnie >> T made it very clear to be about a year ago that I was responsible for guiding the sessions and coming up with topics to discuss.
right. Same here.

So I came what I consider "unprepared" last session. I found myself incredibly anxious going in and told t as much.
Right! Same here.

Near the end of the session, T told me she has very few clients who come with a list - me being one of them.
seems like she had requested that from you - so her point was?!

If I don't come "prepared" I often get the "I'm not going to do this for you" line from t (meaning she will not come up with topics to discuss - especially when she knows I am avoiding or resisting a topic).... and then I often feel like a failure.
T has never done this to me. Still i know where you're coming from Sconnie!

We spent a lot of time talking about this. How inadequate I feel to the task of 'driving'; no map, no idea where we are going.
She asked me if I wanted more structure and I said no. (I thought, but did not say, 'better the devil you know, than the devil you don't know!')

Perfectionism is driven behavior; among other things, it drives one to hide in therapy; I'm glad i brought it out (tote bag firmly held protectively in place, even while I admitted how futile, how stupid that was...)

What a painful discussion. Maybe in a few days I will see some good out of it. Thanks for your responses, people

I almost always come with something, and often something I've written. I dont see it as perfectionism, and no one has ever suggested it. It is a sign that I am very task-oriented. and sometimes this helps with therapy, and sometimes it might be better if I just "went with the flow." But I'm also of the personality that "going with the flow" would probably require several months of therapy to do that and I couldn't work on the immediate problems. I imagine a sign of being ready to terminate is having nothing I've prepared, but that doens't mean preparing for the sessions is the most important issue for me to deal with.

I had no agenda going into my session this morning. We ended up talking about something that I hadn't even recognized was bugging me. I never would have put the topic on a list - the only way I got to it was a kind of stream-of-consciousness session that we meandered through and we eventually landed on it.