TW for suicide mention*****memories

I'm really struggling with memories of last years suicide attempt and its creating a lot of anxiety. I don't know what to do??? What is wrong with me right now that I can't seem to forget about these memories for more than 5 seconds???

((Melissa))

I imagine that sort of thing is pretty traumatic.
Anniversaries are powerful.

I am so sorry you're dealing with this.
it may be that you're struggling because no 1 has offered to celebrate that you're alive. that's what the anniversary should represent.

I celebrate you. I would give you a gift to commemorate your anniversary of life but anonymity prevents that.
So, tomorrow, if it pleases you...I will give a gift to someone in celebration of you. Shall we say a $20 dollar limit? To whom would you like to receive this random gift?

I used to have this problem too...until my therapist said to me....lets think about this for a minute....it was last year right...was it last year around this time of year, this month on the calendar...the day it happened when was that...is the date of when you did this coming up?

Yup it was right around the same time of year, the same month and the day was coming up....

thats when it clicked.... Anniversary time... meaning its the anniversary of when I did it...the human brain works by connecting images, thoughts, events... in this case my brain had connected the dots on an unconscious level before I did on the logical level with my therapist..

then my therapist said now lets think about this... why did you do it last year...what was going on in your life then...what triggered you to the point where you felt the only way out was to die?

we talked about what happened and why....

then she asked me to think about the present... is there something that is going on now about your life that is the same as or reminding you of those same things that led up to your decision to commit suicide?

I thought about it.. and there were many similarities between that moment and when I had tried to kill myself.

we talked about those similarities and how in that moment I was better equipped to handle those problems that led to the suicidal action. We talked about how to handle those problems...

and we also talked about my feelings of guilt and other feelings I had because I had tried to commit suicide..

the end result was that I no longer have problems associated with my suicide attempt because I worked out all the dynamics and feelings I had when it happened, and about the similarities between then and the anniversary and all the other feelings I had associated with that event..

my point is my suicide attempt kept bothering me and coming up for me causing me pain until I addressed it, and resolved the lingering issues that were left unresolved and stuffed down inside me for a few years..the only way the problem stopped causing me pain was when I took care of the problem.

my suggestion since this keeps coming back at you, there may be something about it that you still havent resolved with in yourself..it may be a good time to contact your treatment provider and work on these issues that may still need taken care of, so that next year you wont have to go through all the pain your in now about your suicide attempt.

Is today the anniversary, or are you just struggling about it being in your past in general? My T encouraged me to make plans with friends and do something fun on the anniversary of mine as it triggers many people. In general, I've had a few sad flashbacks. I'm not sure which aspect gives you anxiety. I'm not sure what works best for you, but I have called family and close friends. If things got terrible, then I'd call my T and leave a message. For more mild anxiety, I read or watch tv/a movie...anything to distract my mind. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this...if it helps at all, I understand some of the si flashback/anxiety/fear/remorse, etc.

The anniversary is coming up. But I wish they'd go away.

Can you focus on the things that are different from then? Instead of the anniversary of trying to die. Look at it as the anniversary of your new life and celebrate how far you have come from that moment. (((MEL)))

Thanks for this suggestion. I have come a long way from then and should celebrate that instead of dwelling on the memories. I will try that more.