[franki_j]

I was talking to T last week about my attachment to her and I told her I wished I could see her more. She asked me if I meant inside or outside her office, which kind of threw me off balance because I wasn't really talking about specifics, just meaning that I wish I could see her more hypothetically, not really anything specific.

Anyways, I felt like she sounded kind of strict when she asked me this and like she was going to scold me if I told her that I do sometimes think of seeing her outside her office, not in a realistic way, but I do think about it. So then I told her this story about how I was in her neighborhood after work because I wanted to buy a book and how I was so scared I would run in to her that I left without even buying the book. It was a true story but I felt pressured to tell it, kind of to reassure her that I do not want to see her outside her office. So I kept thinking about it, and wondering if she would have lectured me if I told her that I do sometimes think of seeing her outside her office. So the morning after my session I sent her this email, which I think only made it worse:

Hi T,
I was not expecting to tell you all that stuff yesterday. Talking about how I feel about you is really hard for me. When I told you I wished that I could see you more, and then you asked if I meant outside or inside your office, I feel like you sounded really strict and like you thought I was suggesting I wanted to see you outside your office and you wanted to scold me if I had said that. That's not what I meant; not really. I wasn't even talking so much about outside or inside your office, I was just saying I wish I could see you more in general, even though I know that's not possible. The best way I can describe it is that there is an irrational part of my brain that wishes I could see you more, like sometimes I concoct ridiculous scenarios in my head where we are in a situation where we have to interact with each other outside your office. Or even irrationally I wish I could have more sessions with you which I know isn't possible. And then the rational part of my brain knows that not only will this never happen, but that seeing you outside your office is not a good idea and in reality I would probably not want this to happen. I guess that is what I meant; I didn't mean that I was seriously considering the possibility of hanging out outside your office. So I hope you didn't think that's what I meant. That is why I don't like to talk about this stuff because I am scared you will misunderstand me and think I am weird. It is also just hard for me to talk about it or express myself when it comes to how I feel I about you b/c my feelings are kind of complicated and sometimes contradictory.

What do you guys think? Do I sound like a total stalker in the email? I don't think I expressed myself very well and now I am scared that when I see her tomorrow she is going to tell me off and lecture me about boundaries. I totally should not have sent that and I think I just made things even worse and have been stressing about it all week.

You sound normal

[likelife]

No, you don't sound like a stalker at all. Is there a history of your T misinterpreting what you're saying, leading to the potential to be "scolded?" If so, that provides a different context for your concern. Generally, though, nothing you wrote appears all that out of the ordinary to me

[content30]

I think that is a great email...sounds perfectly fine to me...not stalker-ish at all!

[harvest moon]

It's a great email, you have nothing to worry about! Let us know how it went.

[Asiablue]

I think your email sounds really sweet. And for me reading it, i was like "awwww".

You don't sound stalkerish. Although i totally understand why you might feel that way. Isn't it sad that these days, wanting to spend time with someone or liking/loving them is now a seemingly bad thing? Anyway.. that's a whole other topic.

["Tilly may"]

i think you did well to write this articulate message. And you had the courage to send it. It makes total sense. It is not a stalker lettter.

[Crescent Moon]

I think you sound like precisely the kind of client my therapist loves to have . My therapist would capitalize on your feelings of attachment, to make you feel very much *held* by the relationship. She'd probably also ask if you wanted to come in for extra sessions during the week.

[franki_j]

So after seeing T tonight, all my worrying was for naught (as usual). She told me that she had asked the question of whether I wanted to see her inside or outside because she wanted to know what my fantasies were regarding me seeing her more, not b/c she wanted to scold me.
I told her I was scared she would lecture me on boundaries or something, and she said she wouldn't do that unless I was stalking her or something. She said that we all imagine things, that a lot of times people get so mad at someone they imagine killing them; might fantasize about it or even plan it out, but it's all just fantasizing unless they actually do it. Then we talked about my fantasy of seeing her outside of session for a bit. It went something like this:

T: So what do you imagine when you think about seeing me outside of my office? Do you imagine bumping into me in a bookstore or something?

Me: No, it's a lot more dramatic than that.

T: So what is it?

Me: Like a bomb falling on New York.

T: Well that could happen.

Me: Yeah, but a bomb falling on New York when we are in therapy together.

T (kind of making a face, like she thinks that is less likely to happen): And what do you imagine after that? That we die together?

Me (laughing)" NO!!!! I'm not telling you anymore.

And then my T started saying something and I covered my ears and started saying loudly, "I'm not listening." And then T said "That's very mature, franki," but she was laughing. And then I told her that maybe later I would tell her what my fantasy was.

Actually what it is is something terrible happens and we somehow end up in her apartment together and usually what happens is she has to take care of me b/c the situation is so horrible all the hospitals can't take people and then we live together because my apartment has been destroyed. Or something along those lines, but it will probably take another year of therapy before she can pry this out of me.

Although I do think it is funny/interesting that T thinks that my fantasy is of us dying together. I mean, that's pretty morbid/dramatic, right? Or I guess it was probably just the first thing that popped into her head.