deflated expectations

I don't know exactly what I was hoping for, but whatever it was I did not achieve it in session today. I need something more. I needed that offer of more support, even if it was him saying he had time for 2 sessions next week...
He tries, but it's just not enough... maybe I'm not communicating my urgency well enough.

Have you asked him for two sessions a week before?

Have you communicated your need for extra support through this with your t?

I think you should tell him how you are needing some extra support because t probably thinks you are coping well

I've told him multiple times... he seems at a loss. His supervisor offered more times a week, but since I'm limited on funds, he haven't offered it. He says he will look into day programs, but again, limited funds. I'm just afraid I'll end up in the hospital again soon... I don't want that. It's not helpful for anything but maybe getting a referral to an intensive day program... I'm trying to get that without a trip to the ed... because I'm also afraid that if I get to that point, I'll hurt myself way more than intended... I'm afraid that the pressure-cooker of emotions will implode soon... and it won't be pretty. He keeps trying to get me thinking of other things to do, but I'm not in a place to be able to make that work... I need to have the decision to stay safe taken out of my hands because I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I can't say this to him in so many words, so I showed him a collage I made yesterday... he asked a bit about it, but moved on quickly. I wish he could hear all the things I'm not saying.

Could you tell him in writing?

I would see if you can change your focus a bit. The only way that your decision to stay safe can be put in others' hands is in the hospital and you say you don't want to go to the hospital. If you don't have the resources to pay for more intense therapy, you have to figure out how to step up your own therapy input intensity. Can you buy or invent a workbook/journal of some sort, put aside an hour or two some other time during the week and work there and then share some of that with your T when you see him? Think of how you felt making the collage and how positive that felt and how it kept your attention and felt worthwhile to you; do collage therapy with yourself :-)

What does safe look like to you? No one else can get inside you and make you safe really, it takes recognizing that you "are"/have been safe but feel less so and that how you feel is not all there is to you and your situation. I would write out 4-5 statements to remind myself of the obvious stuff (just because I feel unsafe does not mean I actually am; there are no monsters under my bed or in my closet :-) and remind myself when I get up in the morning and read it when I am feeling the most anxious, etc.

One thing that helped me when I was scared in therapy was reminding myself of where I was "now". If I was anxious about termination, it was not happening "now", we were just talking about it; things like that.

Perhaps you could take a look at your expectations, what a great session would look and feel like. If your expectations are unreachable, then you are predetermined to leave unhappy.

I think it's like that at first. I'd get mad that T didn't get my urgency, but with time as she contained that feeling, I'm much better at containing that urgency.

thanks all, you make some valid points. I guess I'm scared of thinking about needing to be in the hospital. I feel like I am losing control, but it's just a fear of mine. I am currently still in control. I like the idea of writing down statements that ground me. I think I will try that. I will also re-visit my expectations of my sessions, as I know intellectually that d is not superman... there is no "magic" just a lot of hard work.
I think a lot of this fear comes from the fact that not only is he my first male T, but that he is a student, and very limited in availability and skill-set. I tend to panic. I get so wrapped up in the panic that I forget I actually do have control over things... I'm still very gun-shy about falling apart. I was pretty traumatic for all around me as well as myself the last time around. I don't want to go there again, so I tend to freak out.
Gotta remember to breathe. It's hard sometimes.
Thanks again guys

Yup. I know this feeling. It's a kind of abandonment.

I got the impression from your post that your T isn't offering more sessions because you can't afford it. Have you thought about showing him what you wrote in your post?

Something I have had to learn is that, while you wish they could hear all the things you're not saying, they can't. They can't second-guess you because they might get it wrong. The thing to do, then, is say those things, or write them down.

yeah. I need to learn to be able to be direct and communicate exactly what it is I am looking for. I seem to be able to write it after, but then never get the nerve to give it to him.

a bit of a follow-up:
I was able to email my T today and ask for an additional session next week (if not two). He gave me one, with the possibility of adding more as needed... I was also able to ask him if it would be ok if I emailed him semi-regularly with the expectation being that we address whatever it is in the next session. It is much easier for me to type something and send it than it is to say it. I'm hoping that it will be a gateway to open up more communication with him. I find it easier to say things once the person already has a heads-up that it's something I want to talk about. I often times don't know how to start the conversations. I'm hoping he and his supervisor will be ok with that, and we can work from there.