may need therapy

Hi,
I am a 17 year old boy who has been concealing a lot of things from the public. I have had issues with a lot of people throughout my life. As a child, I was often regarded as something disgusting, gross, filthy, and nobody seemed to want to be around me. They often ostracized me because I could not play basketball well. I was called gay before I knew I had those feelings. I did not liek the middle school I attended because I mistreated a lot of people there and in turn people started fighting back and I became the one to be hated. but of course i changed my behavior and some people had accepted me. still, the majority hated me as though i ought to be hated. as soon as we graduated from school, shortly after that, people began to talk about me and they said how mean they were to me and that they should have apologized for what they did. that was after we graduated and i found out about this through the grapevine.
at home, my mother used to yell at me a lot and sometimes hit me with a flyswatter and the reason she gave was i used to be hit by my parents soemtimes and that's how they straightened me out. that's when she became obedient. she says everyone employs the same method when a child misbehaves. ever since then i hated her. often i screamed and neighbors could hear me and everyone regarded me as the disobedient child because word would spread like wildfire and i would get the bad name for that. then i became rebellious as ever and i started defying my mother because i could not stand it any longer. my dad supported me but he was not sympathetic either so no help.
when i got angry, i threw things against the wall and then i would cry alone with nobody to comfort me. what's worse is that i am an only child and i feel like i am against the world now so if anyone dares to come at me and tell me that i am not worthy then i'll tell them soemthing worse. not going to take this bs from anyone.
during my depression period, i listened to some really unhealthy, sad songs like christina aguilera's i'm okay regarding abuse and all and it affected me badly. i thought if i listened to songs like that i would be able to take it much better. but it got worse. i sometimes can hear the songs over and over.
i would throw things and smash things because i had nothing to take it out on. and nobody would be there for me and so here i am trying to reach out to all of you, if you know anyone who's a therapist here, please let them know that i need serious help. i feel like this is going to affect me badly if i don't do something baout this. please help a poor innocent teenager.
i was bullied as a child, and nobody seemed to care. people even said that straight to my face. nwo i wish those people were all dead because they have hurt me and i'm afraid that someday they might hurt me even more and to a greater degree. i hope the world can understand and feel my pain and ask me how's it going?
i sometimes find it hard to communicate with my mother and father because they haven't really done their part as parents. they were raised to believe that if a child is not obedient, then they have a right to either spank or hit them and that you cannot speak another word against them.
am i a slave? am i not human? who says that you have to use force to discipline a child?
plus my motehr sometimes yells when she gets panicky and so that kind of scares me and i just feel like yelling at her.
plus i had this caucasian teacher who was awfully mean to me in 6th grade and he often sent me down to the dean's or counselor's office to have a talk with the dean or counselor. he often sided with teh other person and it was so unfair. i felt that if i were caucasian, i would probably be treated better and that it would feed my ego. it made me look down upon myself and my race.
yeah i am a disobedient child, and now i want to fix that. i feel like when someone gets me mad, i have the right to be mad at tehm. but really, why get mad? why not stay nonchalant and settle things in a civil, more positive, more calm way? why go to all this trouble?
no brother, no sister. sucks to be me.

Hi, heyitsme! Yes, you did have some tough things to deal with when you were growing up, and I can understand your having some anger.

Actually, we don't "do therapy" here at Psych Central. It wouldn't be a good thing to do over an Internet site anyway. But I agree that you would find it helpful to talk to a therapist and get these things out of your system. I hope things such as race aren't as bad a problem now where you live than they used to be.

You can look on the Internet for therapists in your area or even go through the phone book. The first time you meet with one you'll be asked a lot of questions (but I don't find them too personal), so the person can start getting to know you. Then from there the two of you will start setting goals and plans. I have been to many therapists over the years (and I'm seeing one now every two weeks), and I have found them to be life-altering. I am so glad I made the decision to see one years ago.

Keep in touch and let me know how things are going. I somehow sense you are smart and insightful, and you will see at some point that your life will start getting better and better.

there is a therapist at my school but he doesn't come except on thursdays.

I sure can relate to your situation heyitsme7 because I was in deep trouble by age 16 with major depression, suppressed bisexuality, self-conscious, so very "other" and just plain weird when I compared myself to my peers. I was not aggressive about it, I was that person who stared at the floor and more or less hoped people couldn't see I was in pain.

I needed help, saw a shrink the school recommended, but he was worthless, detached, uncaring, so very obviously didn't give a crap about me. That one bad shrink, being my first time talking to any "professional", was enough to discourage me from seeking therapy for many years -- I guess because it happened when I desperately needed help & didn't receive it. I wish someone had been able to see how unhappy I was and had grabbed me by the hand to help me find what I needed. Instead I suffered needlessly for so long and that shouldn't have to happen to anyone.

This can be so hard to do, but if you live in an area that has a mental health clinic, call the clinic and tell them you need to speak to someone ASAP. (If you aren't near one, please let us know here and we can help you find a place). Usually the staff at these places are very kind and know how to be helpful to those of us in trouble. Make an appointment and keep it, no matter how scared or cynical or negative you might feel about doing it. Could be with a social worker (not necessarily a full-blown shrink) but often that's how these clinics work and the social worker is trained to help vulnerable people. I am so glad to have found one after such a long time and am getting the help I need. I talk with her once a week. I am bipolar with major depressive episodes, so, when deep down in the pit it often is very hard to keep my appointment, but I sort of go into auto-pilot and get my sad self to the clinic. I always feel better when I leave. Just give yourself a chance with this and see how it goes. If you don't click with whoever you talk to, keep looking until you find someone you can connect with. This is HUGE and will change your life!

Kind of blabby but hope this helps. Good people in the forum, we care and know first hand how al the crap can weigh on a being. Keep posting and reading. Peace... Alex

Hello there,

Ill be honest, hearing your story is like looking in a mirror for me. I've been in the situation where no one wants you or anything to do with you. Hang in there. Life is going to get better. Are you on track to go to college? If so, its a life changing experience and might be just what you need. Dont listen to the bullies. They cant control you. Therapy is probably a good idea. If you're scared of it, thats ok. Im just starting therapy as well and already I'm scared of it. We'll both make it through this!!!! Praying for you!!!!

Amen, being scared is normal, who the hell is used to telling a stranger about your deepest thoughts and fears! It takes courage and trust, and in my case, having to act-as-if you're worth it when you don't feel worthy of anything. So even if you might have to "pretend" to be worthy of it, get yourself into therapy and it can turn things around. It can save so much suffering. Give it a go. There are good people out there who give a s**t.

I'm so sorry you were bullied and treated so badly. That kind of treatment is so damaging, and has lasting effects to a person's self-esteem. You are worthy of being loved and treated with respect and loving care.

Anyone who wants their life to feel better, who wants to learn more about themselves, who wants to learn more about themselves in relation to others, will benefit from therapy.

Here are some sites to look at, if you wish.

http://www.212analyst.org/psychoanal...oanalysis.html

http://www.healthguideinfo.com/treat...ssion/p113521/

http://www.apa.org/news/press/releas...c-therapy.aspx

http://www.aboutpsychotherapy.com/index.php

Hi, welcome to PC!
I'm so sorry you were bullied by other kids and mistreated by your parents. It's never ok to hit a child!
I do think you could benifit from therapy. Maybe make an appointment or ask to see the therapist that comes in to your school on thursdays and tell him in general what's going on. If he can't see you as a client hopefully he could refer you to someone else. You could also look on websites like psychology today and good therapy to find a therapist. Although I'm not sure, as someone under 18, if you could contact a therapist not connected with your school without your parents knowing. Maybe it's different for each state.
You can always find support here on PC. Also you might find calling an emotional support hotline helpful for times when you feel yourself getting depressed or angry and there's no one else around. I believe there's a good one called teen line that's based in California.
Please keep in touch.