[INFPLady26]

A while ago I signed up for group therapy for anxiety. When I met my male therapist I was physically attracted to him instantly. I continued my therapy sessions, keeping those feelings hidden from him. The week before my final therapy session, my therapist and I engaged in a skit in which we pretended to meet for lunch (I was preparing for a real meeting with a guy I just met). During this skit my whole demeanor changed. Normally I was quiet and withdrawn in our sessions but that one meeting I think my attraction for my therapist was exposed. I don't know why but all of a sudden I became instantly engaging; talkative, laughing, commanding of his attention and just overall, friendly in his presence. I think I may have also surprised/shocked him (and everyone else in the group) with my new behavior. I also believed that he sensed that I liked him or saw him more than just a therapist. After the session I was elated but also embarrassed that my feelings for my therapist may have been revealed through my behavior. In his notes he wrote that I was more comfortable with the group (but really I was only comfortable with him).

During the next and final meeting, I noticed an increased level of positive attention from my male therapist. His behavior/gestures made me feel "special" and I thought that he might of liked me more than just a client. I did not notice this level of attention with other group members (we had one male and two other females). And although I felt that he was more attentive towards me than usual, I did not engage with him as enthusiastically. Mainly because I was embarrassed about what happened the previous week and didn't want to give him the impression that I liked him. However during an exposure/skit I was much more talkative and friendly with the other group members. After the skit I noticed that his attention in me dropped considerably. He didn't look or talk to me during the remaining 20 minutes of our session. When we did say our goodbyes, his tone was off and he kept his head down and away from me. It seemed like he was disappointed or angry at me. I was completely shocked, confused, and hurt by the sudden change in his behavior. I really don't know what to make of that night. I did try to address this with him but he completely ignored the subject. Why would he suddenly ignore me?

[Travelinglady]

I can understand why you would be upset about what happened with your therapist. He is not angry or disappointed with you, but he is required to set boundaries by the rules of his profession. He could even be thrown out of his job if he were found to be treating you in a manner other than as your therapist. So, he was trying to discourage you from your behavior.

On your side, it is very common for a patient to start feeling attraction toward a therapist. You acknowledge that you were physically attracted to him from the get-go, plus his job is to be supportive of you and help you. These behaviors led you to become more attracted to him, I dare say. Wow, a nice, good-looking guy who is listening and showing me attention!

Sometimes patients also feel attraction toward their therapists because their therapists are giving them something they haven't gotten before and maybe even remind them of someone from their past, such as a parent. Therapists even have a name for this kind of attraction. It's called "transference."

After you responded so strongly during the group session, he could really see how attracted you are to him. He is trying to get you back into a professional relationship. Who knows, too, he might also be happily married. So, he is choosing not to even address the issue with you, hoping you'll take the hint.

Okay? You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure he's had other female patients who have responded in the same way. But he is rightly setting boundaries because he is a good therapist, and he wants the best for you AS HIS PATIENT.

[(JD)]

Ignore you? He just gave you all that special attention in the skit and you feel he ignored you? Don't read into a T's actions...goodness, they are human.

[Perna]

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your head that you aren't sharing so it is hard to get good feedback. Who knows why your T did things if you are the only one who knows you do like him and are/are not acting like it. He can't read your mind any better than you can read his so his behavior is not based on what you are thinking but on something he is thinking and, since you have not made your thinking clear to him and discussed it with him, it's a puzzle you are trying to force pieces to fit with.

I would print out your post above and take it to him, get into a good discussion with him about attraction and interaction with others, etc. Anxiety is mostly caused by our letting our own thoughts of the future get away with us and imagining bad things. Here you have set up your therapist to suddenly not be liking or avoiding you when something else might have happened in his life/mind that has nothing at all to do with you. The clearer we can make our interactions with others, the more checking we do with others that our thinking is on track with what we think we see in others, the less anxiety we will experience because there will be fewer surprises and misunderstandings and imagined things to fear.

[Travelinglady]

I think it would be okay to bring the thread in. However, I still stand by my likely interpretation of the T's thinking and response.

[INFPLady26]

Perna:

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your head that you aren't sharing so it is hard to get good feedback.

Yes. It's hard for me to put my experience in words and also the fact that I'm opening up to strangers on this issue for the first time.

Who knows why your T did things if you are the only one who knows you do like him and are/are not acting like it. He can't read your mind any better than you can read his so his behavior is not based on what you are thinking but on something he is thinking and, since you have not made your thinking clear to him and discussed it with him, it's a puzzle you are trying to force pieces to fit with.

I do agree that his behavior isn't based on what I was thinking. I never told him how I felt about him. However, I think that the "vibes" I was giving off during the skit may have come across to him as me liking him more than a therapist. It's more like I believe he was upset with me because I didn't *do* what he wanted or expected from me.

Anxiety is mostly caused by our letting our own thoughts of the future get away with us and imagining bad things

.
I was shocked, at that moment, by what I sensed as a sudden change in his behavior. He treated me very nicely before the group skit and after, seemed so cold towards me. Any anxiety/insecurities I experienced came after I recovered this memory several months following my group therapy experience.

Here you have set up your therapist to suddenly not be liking or avoiding you when something else might have happened in his life/mind that has nothing at all to do with you.

This is what I disagree with and have discussed the same perspective with my previous therapist. As I said to her, the change in his behavior was so sudden like within a 10-15 min span. It's hard for me to believe that something troubling outside of our therapy session happened to him so quickly. Any other perspectives?

What do you have to say about me addressing the anger/disappointment with my ex-therapist and not getting a response back? I said to him "I felt that you were angry with me" and got nothing.