Two years

Today's session marked two years working with this T. I was surprised when she took me to a different office. Three moves since I've seen her. She's now moved down the hall and around the corner. I like the office itself and T sits a bit closer the way she has her furniture set up now.

I felt like I p*ssed away part of the session complaining about the state of the NC mental health system and stuff going on at work which took 15 minutes. T understands more of these issues now because two of her colleagues are going through the same crap my facility is experiencing.

The majority of the session dealt with financial issues. H and I are taking steps to make some of those hard decisions. T and I agreed that I will see her every other week and I will pay as I go; whatever I can. I've racked up a bill and it's not fair to her for her to treat me and not be compensated for it. I paid about 1/4 of the bill yesterday.

I also talked a little about the maternal touch shame I posted about in my last thread. When I started talking about it, I stopped for a second to find my place in my notes. When I looked up, T was looking very concerned. I told her what a good "concerned therapist" face she had. She told me she was anxious. I asked why and she said, "Because I really want to hear what you have to say about it." I didn't delve into issues with my H because there was only 20 minutes left. I told her that at times, I still feel shame because I have this need. She then asked me if I thought I have not accepted that my childhood is gone and I can't receive this. I told her I thought I had accepted this. I asked if it were possible that I've accepted it, but still feel disappointed about it. She said that was possible, but it was more likely that there is something I'm not letting go of, especially related to my mom. She told me to "soul search" before my next appointment. I told her I have realizations when I keep it in the back of my mind while doing other things. She stated that once we accept something that we cannot have, it makes moving on easier...that the need will lessen greatly and disappear. I would appreciate opinions/experience on this.

When 5 minutes were left, I gave T this:


The poem reads:
Because of your love, I have learned
I am a person worthy of love.
Because of your devotion, I have learned
I am not a hopeless case.
Because of your faith, I have learned
I am never alone in this world.
Because of your actions, I have learned
I can be okay on my own.

I now know that I am
Stronger than I ever believed.
I now know I am
Loved beyond all measure.
I now know I am
Okay no matter what occurs.
I now know I am
Acceptable despite my faults.

I am learning there is
Beauty within the debris.
I am learning there is
Peace among the chaos.
I am learning there is
Healing despite the pain.
I am learning there is
Light midst the darkness.

Although I know I have more
To learn under your guidance,
A different person sits before you
This day because of your compassion.
For these lessons you have given so far,
I will be forever grateful to you.
You will always dwell
Within my heart.

She fawned over it for awhile, asking how I did it because she knows nothing about scrapbooking. She said she was glad that I had so many creative pursuits. I said that they do give me joy. I said I didn't know what she could do with it, because it was big. She said that she wanted to frame it and hang it in her new office. She said since my name wasn't on it, just my initials, she could do that if it were okay with me. I said sure. She said she hoped other clients would read the poem and see that another client has experienced healing even in the midst of her journey. I was truly touched. It made my day.

On the way out, T said she was proud that she didn't cry. I said, "Hey, it's only fair I see you cry. I've cried." She said, "You have too seen me cry, more than once." I said I'd only seen her tear up. She said that was how she cries. She doesn't bawl. I said, "Well, next time you might see me bawl." She hugged me and said, "And it will be okay." I said, "I realize that even through this last rupture that while it seemed harsh, you were only doing it for my own good." She teared up then and nodded.

I might have mentioned before, despite her odd ways sometimes, that I love my T.

Chopin your T stories give me hope. Thank you for sharing and I hope that you and H get through this tough financial times.

Hugs chopin

What a beautiful card and poem, Chopin!! I love the way you write about your sessions. I'm glad you love your T! How wonderful that she'll put it up in her office, too! Yesterday at my session, I looked at the collage I made for my T, up on her wall. It was of our hands touching, and even though they don't touch now, they are 100% emotionally touching.

About accepting something we can't have making moving on easier....I agree with that. Otherwise we dwell on it forever even if we're not conscious of doing it. In my case, the obvious example is what I can't have from my T. I've fought and fought with myself and with my Ts about that. I've never accepted it. I am starting to accept it with this T, and maybe can finally let it go.

As far as the past, letting go of relationships that weren't good for us can help us move on. That means accepting the way they were. Not judging, just accepting. Radical acceptance from DBT skills. I can't do over my relationship with my Mom. I wish I could, but all I can do is visualize how it could have been better for me. I accept that it was the way it was. It's kind of a relief. So I think, yes--maybe there is something you're not accepting and it's holding you back. Only you, with T's help, can figure it out.

I don't know if I've ever let go of anything! I've done some grieving, though.

Your T was proud she didn't cry? I find that unT-like.

you are really amazing! thank you for sharing this!

Nice poem!

That's a really beautiful way to say the beautiful things that have happened to you in T. I'm sure that your T was very moved by it. The way you decorated it (is that the right scrapbooking term?) is also very lovely.

I see from your scrapbooking style that you are a woman of order and restraint.

Thank you for the compliment. T once told me the poems and things I've written are some of the nicest things she's ever received...even in RL. It comes naturally to me and I share with those I care about.

Yes. I don't like my layouts to be too busy. I would rather the picture or the poem be the main element in the layout and the rest to be embellishment.

((((chopin)))) the scrapbook and poem are both so precious and I love the way you presented it, what a wonderful gift for your T and also for you in a way

I'm not sure on the acceptance part, probably because it's something I'm very much struggling with as well and also what does it mean to really accept (something else i'm not sure of)