[Jungatheart]

This feels really long - and I'm not sure if I have posted this to the correct area. My first post. I guess I'm just looking for general help. I feel utterly alone.


It is impossible to portray this whole picture – too many details. I obviously entered therapy with my own set of issues. I am aware that ethics have been broken. The following is my perspective, and there are always two sides to every story. Please be gentle. I’m not sure where else to turn.

My therapist helped me come back to life. I (female) saw him for about 2 years. Throughout that time, I probably had some daddy transference stuff with him, but innocent at that. I saw him as a mentor and I cared about him I guess as much as a client can. His genuine care helped me heal a history of abuse/neglect/pain. With him, I learned how to trust, to be real and to be vulnerable.


T would tell me that I was his favorite client. He would let sessions run over, see me extra times. I liked that (ethics?). He let me email him, I liked that too (ethics?). I felt so supported, like for the first time in my life I wasn’t alone. I emailed often, and his responses were helpful and appropriate. I was grateful. Then he set me up with another client (I know, big no-no with ethics). He said he had never done anything like that in 20 years of therapy. I welcomed it. I felt like I had a therapist to walk me through my deep relationship issues – to guide both me and this other man. It felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity.

I quit my job and lost health insurance. T continued to see me, assured me that things wouldn’t change. Well, things did change. He still saw me, say once every three weeks for free. I ended the relationship the other client that he had set me up with. Do you know how hard that is, when your deeply entrusted therapist tells you it’s a match, put his license on the line, and you end it? It took some guts.

At the same time as the break-up, T asks me in email to help his children (being a little general here on purpose) (ethics). I agreed. Same day I also have an appointment with him. He says therapy is over. At that point, I knew it was (oh yea - when he invited me over to his family’s holiday party, I knew therapy was over....ethics). He wanted to transition into friends. However, T didn’t just say that therapy was over, it was a much more painful experience for me. He said things like “I was unhelpable. That only God could help me”, that I had placed all of these unfair expectations on him when my insurance ran out, and that I was dark from smoking and he couldn’t be my friend unless I quit. I left abruptly, but I took those things deeply into my heart.


He said that in trade for helping his children, I could use his….well, this therapy approach that helps you work through feelings. I am being vague, but the important part is that I could use it and benefit without actual therapy from him. I still continued to email, and sometimes he would reply with one sentence, and other times he would be much more heartfelt and engaging. I started to become confused. Sometimes I felt shamed by his emails, other times loved…..and eventually just hurt and angry. I didn’t use the “trade” because I was so confused. I did eventually quit smoking. He was proud, joked that now was when I needed a therapist. You know what, he was right. My addiction was deeply rooted, and soon after quitting all of this self-hate started coming up. I really did need a therapist. It added to my resentment towards him.


I felt like he was making up all of these new rules that I didn’t understand. He didn’t explain them to me or help me adjust to this new “friendship”. He just said that this transition wasn’t going very well, that over the thousands of clients, he had only tried to become friends with five…..the other 4 it worked out fine with. I started expressing my anger in my emails to him. He wouldn’t respond.


So I asked him to meet with me. Anger and sadness were growing in my soul. I prepared, looking deeply into my feelings and soul for what I wanted to get out of it. I went to his office and told him I was looking to establish clear boundaries, expectations, ground rules. I needed communication. He said he had a phone call to make in a half an hour. I was so honest on so many levels. About feeling like he was blaming me for this “transition” not working out, that I felt like he was playing games, how hard it was for me to be sitting there, that I didn’t want to hang out socially with him as a friend, that I felt hurt and betrayed…...He said that my words were harsh, that I was too intense (he said that many times) and he didn’t know how to deal with me when I was "intense". ohhhh.

He told me that he had been charging my insurance when he emailed me. All along, all of those emails – he had been charging my insurance without telling me and acting like he just cared. My stomach dropped. Oh, the lies. How I really believed in his care. That confession, or whatever that was, felt like a real knife to the heart for so many reasons.

This whole scenario keeps getting more and more sick, more and more confused, I feel more and more hurt. It feels like a nightmare. I told him I was hurt and angry but that I was there for communication and not to be judged for my intensity. He said he was judgmental. It all ended after about a half an hour with nothing clarified, nothing established. He said we should just leave it as me helping his kids and I can use his therapy trade when he’s not around. I just couldn’t even speak. He closed the door quickly behind me.


That’s the gist of it all. I tried to give an overview here, and yet it’s still so long. All I can say right now is that my heart really hurts. I guess I never really wanted to be his friend. I wanted to continue to feel safe with him, feel supported by him. I didn’t want to go out socially or have any type of sexual thing. I never felt anything sexual towards him – that is not the issue. If anything, I felt like I had a father I never had…which makes this even that much more painful. There were times where it felt like his care alone kept me alive, kept a place of hope burning inside of me. It feels like I don’t have the whole story, like he is hiding something from me. Who knows, mostly it’s just all one giant painful sick illusion.

And I still don’t have health insurance…..I never imagined I’d have to get a new therapist to deal with my old therapist. I really feel crushed by the reality of it all. Many tears.

Thank you if you read this far. I'm feeling so lost.

Jungatheart

[stopdog]

That sounds very painful. I hope a new therapist can help you undo the damage of this one.

[rainbow8]

That is so painful and heartbreaking to read. I'm sorry it all happened to you. I think the first step is to find a T which I know may not be easy if you don't have insurance right now. Some Ts will see clients for very little money, and some religious organizations will also.

Your T broke many rules, as you already know. A new T will help you sort it all out and help get your life back together.

[Freewilled]

I'm sorry you had to go through all of this I was especially hurt for you regarding the smoking comment and how that makes you "dark" (?) what was that supposed to mean? I too struggle with smoking and feelings that come up when I try to quit. They are excruciating and I find it nearly impossible at times not to self-medicate them in some way. I'm feel very angry at this T and am so so sorry for all he put you through. He crossed boundaries on so many levels....

I have had poor therapy experiences - one that was really hurtful. I'm finally dealing with it now almost 10 years later! It took me that long to finally go back I hope you can find someone else who will treat you with the care that you deserve.

Take care

[TheRealFDeal]

That sounds horrible. It seems like there should be some financial remedy when you have to see a T in order to work through a bad ending with old T. I'm in the same spot.

[BonnieJean]

It seems important that you cut all ties with this t including the help with his kids. He has violated so many boundaries. Red flags are every where. I'm sorry you are going thru this with someone who helped you so in the beginning - 2 years ago. You are probably in a different, healthier, stronger place than you were back then, even if you don't feel it right now. Try to take inventory of your strengths.

"Lost" is a tough place to be but it is somewhere. I've been there many times in therapy. Sometimes you have to wait it out and see where you come out.

It seems like the most important thing is to figure out how you can find another t to help you process all of this. Some ideas were suggested above. Keep us posted on whats happening. I'm glad you shared your experience with us.

[Jungatheart]

It's amazing how random people's words can help. Thank you all.
Somehow this will become a healing experience.
I ask myself, just how did this happen? Not the first time I've allowed myself to be so violated by a man. It feels like I am a victim of a cult. Who does this happen to and why or how did I allow it? I don't have the answer and I need one in order to trust myself again. I am in shock at myself and trying to be gentle.

I do need to end all ties with him and his children. It's all so painful. I might even need to turn him in......it's a devastating thought. I don't know if I have the strength. Am I the only one he's done this to?

Thank you all for your kindness.
Jungatheart

[archipelago]

Wow, I am absolutely shocked and devastated to hear about your experience. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. So many of the things he did are so out of bounds in so many ways, but I don't want to go into that because I don't want to emphasize the negatives, which you already seem to know anyway.

Please do cut off ties immediately. Perhaps take a little break from therapy if you can bear it and then see if you can find someone else. If it were me, I would actually turn him in by simply writing to whatever is the appropriate overseeing agency to investigate him. He shouldn't have a license and might have done this to others, which is so damaging. But I don't think you have to do this if you don't want to get that involved. Sometimes moving on is better anyway.

I would though start off with a new therapist by going over some of this experience so it is right up front that you don't want this to ever happen again. Then the therapist will be much more alert to proper boundaries and be extra careful.

You deserve someone who won't take advantage of your vulnerability and needs. And there are people out there who will respect that and be much better for you. I know right now that doesn't really help with the immediate and painful experience. I'm so sorry.

[critterlady]

I agree that you need to cut off contact with him and his family. Make a clean break.

Honestly, I was reading along and thinking, well, that's not so bad, lots of therapists allow emails and extra sessions. But as your narrative continued, I could feel my anger at this guy rise up. He's manipulative. He gradually moved the boundaries so that every step seemed reasonable until you look at all of it and realize just how far over the line he went.

I hope you can find another therapist to help you, both with your issues and the crap your previous T heaped on you.

[adel34]

I'm so sorry to hear this! It's always so painful when a t takes advantage of a client, but it does happen. I developed a close relationship with a t who later I discovered was doing unethical things, like puting her personal issues on her clients by talking/writing about them often, having her teenage son in her aprenticeship group, having me as a client and aprentice at the same time, inviting me to parties she had ETC. Then she acted on the one hand like she was this expert at relationships and communication and yet when I brought up my concerns she was very defensive and angry.
It took me awhile to get over this. And at times I wondered if I could ever trust another t. I'm so glad I stuck it out. My most recent t has changed my life in so many positive ways, and does things out of true caring.
I would recommend TELL: Therapy exploitation link line. It's a website with resources and stories about other clients abused by therapists. There's a section where you can send a mesage to volunteers who have been through this and want to help others and you'll get responses e-mailed to you.
It's based out of MAI guess some kind of famous psychoanalyst there really screwed up and got sexual with patients back in the 80sand that's how it started. There's a social worker there, in MA who specializes in clients abused by therapists. I don't know where you live but maybe she'd have an idea for where to find someone in other states. Or you could just even call her and tell her the story and see what she recommends.
I also recommend the book A Shining Afliction by Annie Rogers, that deals with among other things a woman's betrayal by her female therapist and how she works through it with a new male t.
Please keep posting. It's a good community here.

Im so, so sorry. He did a lot of unethical things. He needs to be reported to his state licensing board for doing this to you. I am so sorry he caused you so much pain.

[Jungatheart]

Thank you for the references and book suggestion. I will check them out.

[CantExplain]

The occasional broken rule doesn't necessarily make a bad T. But there's a growing pattern here that I don't like at all.

[Jungatheart]

That's what is sometimes so tough about this situation - that I liked it. I'm not a firm believer in rules - obviously. It was subtle steps, like eloquently conducting an orchestra....

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by Jungatheart

That's what is sometimes so tough about this situation - that I liked it. I'm not a firm believer in rules - obviously. It was subtle steps, like eloquently conducting an orchestra....

That's how a manipulator works. Makes you almost think it was your idea. In a relationship with unequal power distribution, the one without the power can be taken advantage of. Whether you liked it or not doesn't matter. It was his responsibility to maintain firm boundaries and keep you safe.

It's very clear to me from what you wrote that he not only crossed them, but kicked the boundaries out of the way.

[Jungatheart]

I am really coming to terms with this. Manipulation is awful on so many different levels. Thank you Critterlady.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Jungatheart

That's what is sometimes so tough about this situation - that I liked it. I'm not a firm believer in rules - obviously. It was subtle steps, like eloquently conducting an orchestra....

My situation wasn't nearly as involved as yours, and any ethical violations were with good intentions for me (and her I imagine) but the boundaries did come down slowly, and each step I was just "seeing how it fits" and it felt so good that I accepted it but it got fuzzy and confusing.