[Asiablue]

For a lot of us, we have massive emotional investment in therapy and our therapists. My question is... is that a good thing? Is it healthy that we invest so massively in a relationship which by its very definition is set to end one day. The best case scenario is that by the time that ending comes, you are ready to move forward without the crutches of your therapist, worst case scenario, an unsurmountable rupture which results in a jarring unwanted ending.
But even with a good ending, there is going to be feelings of loss and some grieving to be done.

Is it possible to do long-term ( 6 months plus) therapy work and not become emotionally attached to your therapist? Is it possible to do the work needed and keep your therapist as just another health-care worker.. like your dentist, G.P, window-cleaner, bank manager etc.

If it is possible, then tell me how it is done?

[Dreamy01]

I agree with you Asiablue but I also think that in many cases this level of emotional investment is inevitable. I was desperately attached to my first t but fortunately it was something I could work through and now many years later I'm seeing a differemt t and I don't feel anywhere near as intensely about her or the process.

My feeling on this is that endings are part of life and sometimes we just have to go through a particular experience and then work through the ending. I was fortunate to have a t who allowed contact after the ending so I let go gradually over time.

Most of us get emotionally invested in relationships with family and friends and they ALL end one day, albeit it's not a planned, worked towards ending as t is, but an ending nontheless, whether through death or other loss. Therapy can actually be an opportunity to experience a healthier ending and process the loss, although I admit it doesn't always work like that.

Perhaps it is possble to do longer term work without attachment but if the attachment appears it is usually because something needs to be worked through. Attachment wouldn't happen unless the client wanted it to, even subconsciously. Some people don't get attached to their ts.

[2or3things]

That's a good question, but I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer. Some of us are perfectly fine seeing our Ts impersonally, as service providers and nothing more. Some of us (myself included) seem fundamentally incapable of seeing our Ts in that way. And it's true that the folks who see their Ts as service providers and little more seem to have fewer ups and downs than the rest of us, I think. But I also think, in both cases, that there's a lot to learn about ourselves and what we want and need (and need to avoid) in relationships.

I struggle a lot with becoming attached to my T, and I always seem to have the end in mind. But the problem with that is that it keeps me from really gaining as much as I could in therapy. When we're always worried about the end, we can't really let down our guard enough to do everything that comes before the end. And maybe that's a way of avoiding the inevitable--as in "if I don't get better, we don't have to end." But it keeps us stuck in exactly the place/attitude from which we're trying to free ourselves.

[tinyrabbit]

Six months isn't my idea of long term. Three months in and I'm only just getting started.

I think my T put this well. He told me he can't let me get comfortable as I'll get stuck and he doesn't want me to just keep coming back forever so he gets paid. That one day I will be able to do this stuff for myself.

I don't see how therapy could work for me if I didn't get attached and trust him. But the point is that T is not the solution. It is the process by which you reach the solution.

It doesn't bother me about being invested and totally committed. That is my honesty and my self worth. All things come to an end.

I think a therapist is slightly more then just another care worker. I just go where I go. That makes me stronger, committing & investing all of me.

You know, even when I have chance meetings with strangers in a queue I am coming from a place of oneness. All of me. That is my gift to me. Being afraid of what might happen in the furture only hinders my experience of this one life. Memory's are formed, they are what we carry with us forever. A half lived relationship doesn't equal a happy memory. It's heavy with fear & dread. Poo poo to that. That's how I use to live. Before I grew up.

[stopdog]

I have seen two therapists for over 2 years. One I seem to have some odd thing with where when I quit, I get sad but otherwise she sort of sucks. I do not feel understood or heard by her, I don't have any clue about what she is ever talking about, she is never right about anything concerning me, I am extremely anxious before each appointment, I leave in a fog or frustrated rage each week, and the woman can't remember what either of us has said from minute to minute.
The second one is more understandable to me, understands what I say, is clear for me to understand, and does remember stuff. I am not as anxious at appointments. I don't ever think about the second at all and the idea of her being gone forever is not especially distressing to me.
So I think is is just odd. For some, the attachment seems useful and even pleasurable. For those such as myself, an unpleasant, confusing, horrible side effect.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

For a lot of us, we have massive emotional investment in therapy and our therapists. My question is... is that a good thing? Is it healthy that we invest so massively in a relationship which by its very definition is set to end one day. The best case scenario is that by the time that ending comes, you are ready to move forward without the crutches of your therapist, worst case scenario, an unsurmountable rupture which results in a jarring unwanted ending.
But even with a good ending, there is going to be feelings of loss and some grieving to be done.

Is it possible to do long-term ( 6 months plus) therapy work and not become emotionally attached to your therapist? Is it possible to do the work needed and keep your therapist as just another health-care worker.. like your dentist, G.P, window-cleaner, bank manager etc.

If it is possible, then tell me how it is done?

I think it's different for everyone, and also different with each T. I was attached to all my Ts, but after a couple of years with 2 of them, I didn't have too much trouble detaching. But, with my first T and my former one, ending was traumatic. I could NEVER see my T as just another health-care worker! Never! When I trust someone with my heart and soul, and tell them all of my secrets, it creates a bond that could never happen with my dentist or my accountant! It's a relationship to me, an intimate one, and a very special one and a very emotional one. Even with the boundaries and limits, the emotional attachment is there.

With my first T, whom I saw over 25 years ago, I remember her saying "when you leave, it's not going to be like this never happened. You'll have part of me inside of you." I terminated with her suddenly, MY idea, but it was very traumatic. I spent a few years "getting over her. But the end result was that, after several years, I realized that what she said was true. I think of her fondly now, and there still is part of her inside of me.

I think it also depends on the T's orientation. My first T was psychodynamic and her goal was for me to attach to her, and then detach slowly. One of my other Ts was more into CBT oriented, though I fought her on doing it, and she was the only T I ended T with, and did not see anyone else for 10 years. However, my former T was behavioral-oriented and strict with me, yet I attached to her anyway.

Sorry I wrote so much. As to your question, is it healthy to be so invested in T, I don't think some of us have a choice. It just happens because of our needs, our unmet needs from the past. It's part of T and we have to accept it and learn from it. My opinion, of course.

[Anne2.0]

I am comfortable with attachment in general and having appropriately boundaried but close relationships with my primary doc, my ob/gyn (both of whom I have seen for about a dozen years), dentist, and my T. I am comfortable sharing myself and my life with friends and acquaintances and to a lesser extent, extended family and colleagues and co-workers. I am not an over-sharer, and I am often sought out as someone that other people want to share with. I once was very disconnected from myself and had only superficial, complicated, often dramatic relationships with other people. I am reasonably happy in a marriage that has lasted for a long time and have a good relationship with my pre-teen son.

I do identify with being very invested in therapy, I identify less with being invested in my T although I am highly attached to him. I think I am invested in therapy for different reasons than attachment, though. I am invested because I have seen for myself how therapy helps me get to where I want to go, to take care of myself, and to learn about what I want for myself and my life. At the same time, if my T suddenly (or not so suddenly) terminated me, I'd be devastated and outraged. Maybe I'd just get another T and kvetch about him for months. Maybe I'd send him offensive and angry letters. But I would see that my investment in therapy (and in him, I guess) still drove the bus to a better place in my life, so I do think it is a healthy investment.

I don't know that it's different than any other relationship. If my marriage were to fall apart, I wouldn't be sorry that I fully invested in it and our family. I reaped the benefits of many years of this investment. To me, investing in relationships is an investment in myself. If it's a cost benefit analysis, I have definitely gained more than I have lost.

In past romantic relationships, I have also been pleased with having invested in them even when the person who I thought was the love of my life left me. I really needed to learn how to invest in relationships and stick around rather than running out the door the first time I became distressed. By doing that I learned that engaging in the investment process benefited me. So for me, investing is always healthy. But that's because I came from a background where I thought relationships were dangerous, nobody can ever really be trusted, and families (suck) (stink, if that word gets edited). Actually, I probably still think this is basically true, but I try to act as if I don't.

[Perna]

Therapy is hard, intense work; I don't think you can do it successfully at any other level or it's just "coaching" on life issues (like how to change jobs or get along at your work place or date/get married, make friends, etc.). You can't "change" unless you are intimately familiar with what it is you are changing in the first place (why you can't "get over" an issue you won't face). But just becoming familiar with what you "have"/are, what you think and feel now is only half the work, you then have to become familiar with where you want to go and the route there.

[Willowleaf]

I have psychotherapy that uses a lot of touch and I often wonder if this touch increases the attachment. I have read with interest other people's posts about mourning the lack of touch in childhood. I had next to none and and am beginning to let myself get a small amount in therapy,but am always drawing back as it really scares me. The thing I think I am scared about most is the reliance and trust in someone else. I would love not to be attached to view t as I do my GP but right from the beginning I found myself fighting an attachment I don't want. I have never been attached to another person like this before. I often read of people managing to stay emotionally detached but still be achieving their aims with envy. I suppose it depends what brings us to therapy. Maybe if attachment was good as a child you don't have to get so attached as an adult as you are comfortable with attachments (if this makes sense?)

[sittingatwatersedge]

to me, the fact that a relationship will end one day & there will be grief is just part of life. As for the pain & grief of the work & termination - the pain & grief of brokenness, I feel, is much worse.

Maybe, kind of like having surgery. Deep cuts yes; but controlled injury, not uncontrolled damage, and the probability of correct healing instead of haphazard scarring and adhesion (or worse, infection) in subcutaneous layers...

I don't know if this makes any sense.

my $0.02 about the need for attachment is a belief in the idea that damage (e.g., trauma) which happens in relationship must heal in relationship; so for those types of cases, yes attachment will be necessary.

I have a lot of investment in my t and in therapy.
However, i am that way with everything in my life.
Wth my job, my husband, my family, my friends, my kiddos, etc.
I am passionate about many things.
I am very attached to my t, yes. Also very attached to many other people in my life.
I think its all about balance. And being healthy all around.

[MonroeTree]

I find that if I don't fully invest in therapy that I get much less out of it. My worst sessions have been ones when I wasn't fully prepared to be there mentally & emotionally.

I have only been to one T so far and the thought of stopping or going to another T is very scary because of how invested I am with her. I feel really fortunate to have found someone I'm so comfortable with right from the start. I often wonder how invested I would be if I had a T I wasn't so fond of.

[Nobodyandnothing]

I think this may be one of the reasons I am not in therapy. I cannot imagine opening myself up to anyone like that. I will never be close to someone, and that includes my H and children. For me, any improvement in my conditions will come, if ever, with meds and time.

Actually, reading these boards I am continually amazed with the amount of therapy you are getting. When I did try it, my T only scheduled me every 3 weeks for an hour, and only that often when we scheduled many, many weeks out. My T was totally booked. Same with my pdoc. We try for every 6 weeks to 2 months but I am lucky if I see him three times a year.

Sorry to digress. Please do not think I am criticizing. I am not. I am just amazed that you all can see your Ts so often.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have seen two therapists for over 2 years. One I seem to have some odd thing with where when I quit, I get sad but otherwise she sort of sucks. I do not feel understood or heard by her, I don't have any clue about what she is ever talking about, she is never right about anything concerning me, I am extremely anxious before each appointment, I leave in a fog or frustrated rage each week, and the woman can't remember what either of us has said from minute to minute.
The second one is more understandable to me, understands what I say, is clear for me to understand, and does remember stuff. I am not as anxious at appointments. I don't ever think about the second at all and the idea of her being gone forever is not especially distressing to me.
So I think is is just odd. For some, the attachment seems useful and even pleasurable. For those such as myself, an unpleasant, confusing, horrible side effect.

I was just thinking what a unique skill to never be right about anything concerning you. But it's not too clear whether that's a quality I should look for if I want to be less attached to a therapist. I guess that having at least some of that skill would help.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by Nobodyandnothing

I think this may be one of the reasons I am not in therapy. I cannot imagine opening myself up to anyone like that. I will never be close to someone, and that includes my H and children. For me, any improvement in my conditions will come, if ever, with meds and time.

Actually, reading these boards I am continually amazed with the amount of therapy you are getting. When I did try it, my T only scheduled me every 3 weeks for an hour, and only that often when we scheduled many, many weeks out. My T was totally booked. Same with my pdoc. We try for every 6 weeks to 2 months but I am lucky if I see him three times a year.

Sorry to digress. Please do not think I am criticizing. I am not. I am just amazed that you all can see your Ts so often.

I once went to a t who was that booked because her agency was the only one that an insurance company for a large employer would accept.

Can you try finding a different t who is less booked?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by learning1

I was just thinking what a unique skill to never be right about anything concerning you. But it's not too clear whether that's a quality I should look for if I want to be less attached to a therapist.

Well, I don't recommend it as a plan for less attachment as it is the one who is never right who to seems to be the one to whom I have the odd bit of attachment.
On the other hand, the one who is right, clear, who listens, who hears me and so forth is not the one to whom I am attached.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Well, I don't recommend it as a plan for less attachment as it is the one who is never right who to seems to be the one to whom I have the odd bit of attachment.
On the other hand, the one who is right, clear, who listens, who hears me and so forth is not the one to whom I am attached.

Well, I thought the one I was attached to knew things, but he didn't listen or hear me.

[stopdog]

Odd how the attachment (if that is what it is) for some of us seems to be the ones who do not pay attention.

[learning1]

Yeah, that is weird.

[TheRealFDeal]

Asia, like you, I have recently suffered a traumatic termination with my T. Still in horrible pain, I am thinking that the T-client relationship is a really strange one. A totally one-sided relationship where you are supposed to reveal your deepest secrets and shameful self, and the T only shares mostly surface stuff with you. I don't understand how it works, how T stays objective and (largely) unaffected by the stories he hears all day. I don't understand how you can not get attached if he is kind, compassionate and provides the safe environment you need to share. If you do not get this from your T, I don't understand why you would stay.

But I did have a T in my late 20s/early 30s who I saw for 8 years. I was attached to her also. That relationship ended gradually as I came to a place where I thought I could handle life by myself. So I know there can be a non-traumatic ending to therapy.

I hope we feel better soon, because this is hell.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Odd how the attachment (if that is what it is) for some of us seems to be the ones who do not pay attention.

Maybe this is the only way it feels safe? Or it is replicating attachments we experienced in childhood?

[tinyrabbit]

I don't think it's fair to say they arent affected by our stories. I think they just don't make it about them instead of us.

[TheRealFDeal]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I don't think it's fair to say they arent affected by our stories. I think they just don't make it about them instead of us.

I want to know how they do this. How do they protect themselves from all the feelings and trauma that they hear and are witness to? What is the name of the class they learned this in?

[feralkittymom]

I don't think it's fair to say they arent affected by our stories. I think they just don't make it about them instead of us.

I agree with this. At least it's what I've experienced first hand.

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

I want to know how they do this. How do they protect themselves from all the feelings and trauma that they hear and are witness to? What is the name of the class they learned this in?

I think it's a kind of detached enlightenment. If the focus of concern is outside themselves, then they are freed to feel quite deeply and honestly, yet without a personal impingement. It doesn't mean that they never ruminate, doubt themselves, lose sleep. But those reactions tend to be reflective of being temporarily off track, rather than central to the work.

In a small way, I've found myself occasionally in this position with troubled students. I feel quite deeply at times, and I care about helping them, but the fact that their difficulties don't impinge on my life is what allows me the freedom to care, and to advise them in a way that can be most helpful to them.

There's also an issue of responsibility: I'm not responsible for their struggles, nor for their outcomes. This frees me to be supportive with the least corruption by my needs and goals.

I don't need my students, nor do I look to them for validation of my professional competence. This allows both of us to work to our potentials in the clearest way, and for the best mutual and individual benefits. I think this is true for Ts also.