How to bring things up in therapy? (tw physical stuff? idk)

So I don't really know how to say this but my mum used to get quite angry with me a lot and hit me a bit.
The other day my therapist kind of touched on it when I mentioned mum would get angry. T asked 'what would happen?' and I was kind of silent for a while and said 'she'd just be angry'. T asked what would happen again and I said 'I dunno I'd just be in trouble' and she didn't push it (which is good because she said she was going to slow the pace and that was her slowing I think).

Anyway something I kind of noticed was that my legs started to sting when she asked that question and I had the memories. But I kind of felt it but then didn't? ANYWAY since then (Thursday) I've had a couple of flashback type things only I don't actually know what flashbacks are. I'm at uni so at the moment have been living with flatmates for three years and have felt safe for a while. But the other day someone came running up the stairs behind me and I kind of freaked out and fell down protecting my head (and then it dawned on me I used to be chased up the stairs whilst my parents were trying to hit me yay fun times). Also this morning, I was half asleep and my flatmate opened her door quickly in the room next to mine, and I thought it was someone bursting into my room (I.e my mum, I forgot I wasn't at home). I sat up and was instantly wide awake and heart pounding and just couldn't relax.

ANYWAY there is actually a point to this rambling. I think kind of touching on my childhood is making me hypersensitive to anything now but i just don't know how to bring it up. I want to but I'm not really at the stage yet where I volunteer information unless its the result of direct questioning. Also I don't want to act like it was a big deal because it wasn't and plenty of parents smack their children, I don't want her to think I'm making a massive fuss over nothing.
I want to discuss this but I don't know how to even mention it? Anyone?!

(((thawing)))

So sorry all of that happened to you. From my own experience, bring up sensitive topics like that is very difficult.. so it's not just you. Your reaction is normal. For me it was easier to write them down and to give it to my T so she could read it. You can either read it to her, or she can read it out loud. I don't know about you but I find it much easier to communicate by writing things down. I am by no means an expert, maybe one of the others here has another suggestion for you. Best of luck to you.

((Thawing))

And not to contradict you, but I was pretty good at getting my parents NOT to hit me. I remember talking to my older brother about it - I told him to just sit on the couch when mother said sit, then she would leave you alone. I thought it was a brilliant solution. I did not like getting hit. My mother was scary. Took me a looooong time to be able to say that.

(((((Huge cuddles)))))

I can really relate to your post.

I found writing a story about any type of abuse to my T was really good and I gave it to her to read.

Also, I to did the 'brace for impact' reaction for years so I feel your words to my core.

Take care xxxx

Yeah the writing is always an option! I think that might be more difficult for me though.... waa I dunno but I find it hard to think about/put into words, at least talking, I don't need to use full sentences, I can just hope she understands me haha! It's more how to bring it ONTO the subject if that makes sense? I'd find it weird to just sit down and say it... if there was a way to bring it up somehow to have the opportunity to be able to say it...?

Also sorry hankster your message really pissed me off. (t would probably love you though because I swear she's been trying to get me angry for a long time) there was nothing I could have done to stop her hitting me. If she was in the mood, even if I obeyed every and she would find a reason. I'm not sure if you're trying to say I deserved it because I was disobedient or what?

It's the brace for impact thing that's really getting to me. I accidentally did it at home once HA that was a mistake. It's just... ugh for the most part I'm SAFE now but it's like bringing it up in therapy puts me back physically years... it probably makes sense but it's one thing to read about it and one thing to actually do it...

Thawing... I understand how odd it is to have something trigger you and somehow you are "instantenously transported back in time" as if you were still a little kid...

Its freaky how our minds/bodies work. One way to talk about it would be to just start out sharing your reactions to her questions.... and then move onto what happened in the past at your own pace.

I do find parts of childhood discipline difficult to talk about. To me it seems I am exaggerating or over reacting or hyper sensitive to the trivial usual discipline which I of course deserved. The therapists does keep going back to it however, and I have explained some bits I have not told anyone else. The thing I have to fight is both how I am uncertain if I am remembering things correctly and how silly it all sounds to me out of context.

thawing, first, what happened to you WAS a big deal. Even if other people may have been hit more or whatever, that does not diminish what happened to you. Here's my opinion, I let my T know there was a lot of abuse in my background. Before talking about it, he wanted to give me better coping and grounding skills so I can remind myself I'm safe, because talking about this in therapy will stir things up.

About the waking in panic thing, my T recommends I spend some time several hours before I go to bed reminding myself that I am safe. Nothing bad is happening to me. I am in my own house. I am safe. It helps (some) to have those reminders and I think helps get me back in my head and knowing I'm safe faster.

I feel for you on the part about not being able to avoid being struck. I think that was the experience for some of us. It didn't matter if we did everything we were told, if they were in the mood to hit, they were just going to. Several times it was just because of the look on my face.

So if you want my advice, just let your T know there is hitting involved and you need some help with coping skills and addressing the flashbacks before you get too far into dealing with it. I hope that helps.

It is a big deal. Clearly it's affecting you and that's understandable. Discipline is not meant to make you feel unsafe or scared. My friend's dad used to smack her and I don't think it was abusive because he was kind and loving and it wasn't scary or unfair. Whereas my dad scared me so much that, from what I've discovered in T, I used to dissociate. And he didn't hit me much but he was just really scary and used to kind of rage and sometimes broke things.

I have found writing stuff down very helpful. As to bringing it up, I have sometimes talked about film or TV characters as a way into tricky things.

I found this thread very useful as I suffered the same thing in childhood and lately it's been getting to the point where I don't want to go out as I hit the deck when I hear a sudden noise or someone rushes past me from behind. A bit embarrassing as people stop to apologise for knocking me over.
I've yet to bring it up in T but will endeavour to try.
Good luck with your attempt.

I'm sorry - I'm still trying to figure out what the old hag did to scare me so bad that I learned to "be good" at such a young age. I think I just dissocIated. I was TOO interested in the movie The Three Faces of Eve for such a little kid. Your t would not like me - I'm too afraid to get angry. My mother just couldn't be bothered to pay attention to me.

I'm not sure what my original point was. I think that, you stayed engaged with your parent and it cost you a lot. You also stayed in touch with your feelings. Just - don't discount them now. Don't say, other kids got hit too, so it must be okay. It's the meanness behind it that's wrong, isn't it?

I wasn't trying to compare, really. I'm still trying to figure out wtf my mother was thinking. Why did she think scaring me and neglecting me was "enough" parenting? Just because I didn't want to get hit? It scares me, because I see random kids on the street or wherever acting up and I think,"why don't their parents just smack them, that would shut them up" and I'm appalled at myself for even thinking that, but it's an immediate reaction, the first thing that comes into my head. No I've never had any kids, despIte beIng marrIed twIce. My mother truly scared me off the idea. Really bad boundaries between us. Like none.

So again, I am really sorry. I meant nothing negative towards you. You are brave to bring up a very painful topic. I guess I'm saying, no I didn't get hit much, but she scared me when I was very young - can I still join your group? It's okay if you say no, btw.

Thawing, I think we all face the moment in therapy when we first catch a glimmer of awareness that something bad really did happen to us. The thinking that we must be mistaken because if it were true surely we'd know it, is a legacy of a lifetime of denial. Denial gave us our strength to survive.

But now, through therapy, the denial develops cracks, and our understandable reaction is to grab for that denial again--only it isn't as foolproof as it was before. Maybe we have bad dreams, or cry for no known reason, or feel frightened by certain sights, sounds, or smells. Our bodies start sending us signals that make us uncomfortable.

Yet we tell ourselves, it couldn't have really been so bad because to believe otherwise seems to change the world as we've known it. And who wants to leap into the unknown? Who wants to feel like their present life isn't securely attached to a known past?

Your T can really help you through this, and as you experience her support, experience her empathy, experience not being alone, it will get better. You have nothing to feel ashamed of. All you need do is print off your OP and give it to her. Don't worry about what comes next. Just open the door.

((Thawing)), thank you for posting this. So much good advice here. I hope it helps you, its helped me to understand what its like to disassociate.

"Thawing, I think we all face the moment in therapy when we first catch a glimmer of awareness that something bad really did happen to us. The thinking that we must be mistaken because if it were true surely we'd know it, is a legacy of a lifetime of denial. Denial gave us our strength to survive." (Still haven't figured out how to quote especially on my phone)

This is EXACTLY what's happened to me recently. I sort of sleepwalked into therapy due to stress and anxiety. Had no idea how much bad stuff was about to spill out from childhood. And I wonder how I didn't know. I dissociated from my feelings so successfully that I didn't even know I had feelings to hide from myself.

I find that writing things down is the most effective way for me to approach a subject. And right now it's the only way I can communicate some things. I want to verbally say the words but for some reason it's hard to let the words roll off my tongue. The more general stuff like annoying coworkers and school I can ramble on and on about, but the harder deeper stuff about me, I can't do it.

T welcomes my journal entries and often asks if there is anything new I've written about. once T asked me a question I didn't want to answer out loud, so I asked if I could answer her question by writing my response. She handed me a pen and paper.

Maybe you could try the writing approach. If you journal, can you journal about your experience and tell T that you want her to read something you've recently wrote about? ((thawing))

IT'S SO WEIRD. And it sometimes happens in t as well - like I just feel really young and small things I don't even notice in day to day life suddenly made me panic. I had a session on monday and talking about how I feel about talking about it... actually helps at the moment. It's like it's paving the way. It's good.

Same same same same! Also I have two sisters who were disciplined too... but what is hard to work out is if I had it worse or if they're just stronger/not as pathetic about it as me? What I'm really worried about is that I might say something... and she might think I'm making it out to be really bad when actually she doesn't think it's a big deal? I don't want her to think I'm overreacting. I don't want her to think that I think I didn't deserve it or that I'm wrong in acting like it was a bad thing... like what if she thinks I'm bad and thinks I deserved it and then thinks I'm wrong for entertaining the possibility that I maybe didn't deserve it?

Thank you. I think letting her know that hitting was involved might be harder than actually going into specifics. Maybe it's just the biggest hurdle first or something. I just worry that she's NOT going to be able to cope or notice my reactions. I had a panic attack in her office a few weeks ago and she didn't notice, despite me telling her I couldn't breathe. She just started asking me the usual questions and expecting me to reply, even after I told her I couldn't concentrate because I was having to concentrate on breathing. I'm not very good at letting her know my physical reactions to things which is unfortunate because I get very light-headed/nauseous every time I think about this stuff. I just wish she could notice and know what to do to help when I'm not in the place to be able to handle it you know?

That's interesting. I think my mum actively encouraged me to, not exactly dissociate, but when she was angry 'turn off the thinking and just do as she said'. like she'd make me do everything she said but i wasn't allowed to think about it or question it or know why, i just had to do it. Which maybe was fair enough (I don't know what's 'normal' or not anymore) but it means now when I panic, I switch off and can't think, all I can do is follow orders or go through the motions if that makes sense?

I'm really sorry to hear that. Good luck to you too. If you find a way to bring it up, let me know? In a way I think it would be helpful if she did make a sudden movement or something like someone rushing up behind me happened in therapy, at least she could see it and then I wouldn't have to try and tell her about it.

Sorry, I must have completely misunderstood your first post! I totally understand what you're saying though and that sounds awful, I'm sorry If this is a group though it's a totally ****** one and I wish there were no members! What would the jackets say?!

This makes so much sense, especially about the denial thing. I totally totally relate to that. The bit I'm at at the moment is trying to work out what's denial and what's normal? I'm worried I'm going to apply a negative filter to everything that happened in the past. Or that it's like the opposite of denial, I knew the truth and now my mind is trying to convince me that it was bad. What I really want is someone to completely truthfully tell me whether or not I should be upset/whether or not it was bad. Pretty sure a t wouldn't do that, which is a shame! It's like I don't WANT my feelings to be validated if all I need is a good slap!

That sounds awful but also kind of helpful if you managed to get everything out?! Did it help?

I think it's just the thought of giving her something I've written that I find hard. I'd be so worried she'd think I was stupid or have a bad writing style or messy handwriting, and that's before I even think about the content! It's frustrating though how I HAVE the words but just can't get them up my throat. It often feels like there's something there physically blocking them.

I haven't got it all out yet, just getting started. But going to therapy was a good move as I feel like it's not just me and my bad memories eating me alive.

What I really want is someone to completely truthfully tell me whether or not I should be upset/whether or not it was bad. Pretty sure a t wouldn't do that, which is a shame! It's like I don't WANT my feelings to be validated if all I need is a good slap!

I could question the idea of some objective reality determining the validity of your feelings, but that isn't the point of therapy, and I don't think it would convince you anyway.

But I think as you talk about your perceptions of your childhood, your T probably will help you to gain perspective by using examples of "normal" child rearing behaviors.

"Needing a good slap" sounds like a voice from the past to me.

Once I was telling my T about my mother paddling me--I think I was about 6-7 years old--and I said I thought that all parents did that, and I shouldn't feel so upset by it. He asked if she made me take down my pants first. I said she did, and he said that parents who do that want to humiliate the child, not discipline the child. I didn't want to believe that, but I needed him to reframe my experiences according to what is "normal" in order to come to accept the realities and have my feelings make sense.

What I really want is someone to completely truthfully tell me whether or not I should be upset/whether or not it was bad. Pretty sure a t wouldn't do that, which is a shame!

I don't think a T can or should tell you how you should feel, but they can tell you that it was bad - in that they can help you recognise and acknowledge abuse. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what's normal and what's not, to let myself see what wasn't normal and to let myself see that it's okay to have feelings about it.

My T doesn't tell me how I should feel. But he does say things like: "That was violent. XYZ was violent." A few weeks ago, I said: "It was shoot wasn't it? I'm not making a fuss about nothing?" (Except for shoot, substitute a swear word.) And he said: "Yes. It was shoot, shoot, shoot." Then we talked about how I need to let myself have those opinions, but it helped to hear it from him. So I do think this is possible!

Tiny, the bolded words are thawing's, not mine.

Sorry, have edited.