How much authenticity do you want/expect from T? (Reactions)

There is a tension between the T being authentic and the T not dumping her own shite on the patient.

i think it kind of freaks me out if my T even reacts mildly to something i tell her

I expect authenticity however not in a demeaning manner or in a way that will hurt me. My T is amazing with empathy yet doesn't come across as condescending which can be tricky. I go through phases of trusting her and not but so far been able to say I disagree with her and ask her to do the same with me, which she has plenty. I do not deal well with receiving anger so even if she's angry, frustrated and wants to yell at me while shaking me like a little kid she has shown incredible restraint!

I try to treat her like a normal human but sometimes forget and yell at her in ways I would never do with a friend or family. So far she's welcomed me back so I'm hopeful she recognizes my behavior for what it is. In those instances I usually open the next session by being clear I want to take responsibility for my behavior then specifically what the act was, what my emotions were during and after then if I'm sincere I apologize for what I am sorry for not what I think I should be sorry for.

It's hard to feel I need to try to keep a lid on the feelings, in case she becomes frustrated or defensive again.

I can't know for sure, of course, but I'd doubt your therapist would be frustrated because you're expressing your feelings per se. Can you ask her where her frustration is coming from?

It's not that she doesn't care. But she gets frustrated and can't seem to understand why I 'don't trust' her or 'don't feel safe enough'...

As someone else said, I think most therapists really get this (trust, safety issues) and even expect it. Of course I can't say for sure if your therapist doesn't understand it, but I think it could be useful to tell her that this is at least your impression. How does the lack of trust and sense of safety manifest itself in your therapy?

It's still an issue for me, after four years, although has improved enormously from the beginning. I suspect it will always be an issue, always somewhere there in the background. But I know he can't make me fully trust him or make me feel safe; I need to internalize the times I have felt safe, the efforts he has made to make me feel safe, and check in with myself and/or him sometimes to see if what I'm perceiving lines up with what actually happened between us. It goes without saying that for many of us this is very difficult and needs to continually be worked on.

It's not that she doesn't care. But she gets frustrated and can't seem to understand why I 'don't trust' her or 'don't feel safe enough'...

This concerns me. It could reflect her viewing herself based upon your view of her (so if you express a lack of trust it means she's not trustworthy or doing her job well). That's a personal lapse and something that is often best worked out through supervision. If it's allowed to continue, and doesn't resolve, it can escalate in a way that leads to a rupture.

You can try to talk to her about it and see if she really is frustrated and is it with you or herself?

But if she's not amenable to such a discussion, or worse, reacts defensively and blames you, then you've got a tough choice to make: not work on those issues, or find a new T.

I had not thought this thread would speak to me, but it absolutely does (this is something I love about PC, btw...) thanks JSG for starting it, because it's going to help me next time I see T.

The idea that a T getting angry when client shows anger could be mirroring has absolutely floored me. It never occurred to me for a second.
The idea that it could be an indication of the T's caring for the client.
you people are amazing.

button 30 >> Well I personally would get even madder if my t raised her voice or showed any sort of anger.
not me, internally I panic (because of old memories)
I rely on t to be calm and emotionally stable when I am not.
same here!
If a t was to show any other emotion- tears, laughter I would see this as very positive but any negative behaviour would be detrement to me

So you feel like you do trust her, but she feels like you don't trust her (or, worse that you don't trust her "enough"?).

Trust isn't linear and it isn't constant. That's because it isn't 100% about the other person, it is about what's going on internally, and that changes.

I think my T has felt frustrated by my times of resistance. But that is a frustration of wanting something for me, and a frustration of us having a hard time identifying what the resistance is about. We attempt to figure it out, to see why is has come up, why now and what she said or what I thought that caused me to shut down. It is part of therapy, and something to explore - to learn what is discovered in that exploration to understand yourself better. My T doesn't get frustrated with me, as if in a judgmental way, as if I am not 'performing' or as if I'm failing at therapy (those are my own thoughts ).