[Miswimmy1]

Hey guys,

I know I haven't been around much. Sorry. things got really tough the last couple of months. Going off medication was not a good idea. I think I was kind of in denial about how bad things actually were. I just got more depressed, my OCD got way worse, I couldn't think about school, and everything just went downhill. It got to the point where I couldn't even go into my own house because of fear of contamination. I went through a range of emotions: Guilt, Denial, fear. I got so wrapped up in my OCD that even then I wanted to take the medication I couldn't. T had no idea what to do. That in itself is scary, because you look to your professional as your guide. The last couple months have been a lot of crying.

Things also got rly bad with the family. They just couldn't deal with that anymore. Last week I was told that I either go find somewhere else to live on go to a mental hospital. That triggered every abandonment and trust issue I ever had deep inside me. Worst of all, T supported that decision. I am currently waiting at a friends house.

The plan right now is that I go to Wisconsin, to a inpatient program Strickley for adolescents, on April 1.

[Victoria'smom]

As scary as it is I'm glad you're able to get the extra help.

Good luck Miswimmy. This is a new begining , let us know how it goes!

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, you really have been going through such a rough time!

I am glad that there's a program that may help you. You deserve some relief!

[Anne2.0]

I am sorry that things have been so tough lately, but I'm happy to hear that you will be able to get the help that you need to get back to a healthy state.

I can understand how it feels like abandonment to you, but as a parent I can see the other side. Just like I hired a nanny and babysitters for my son when I or his dad couldn't be with him, I would take my child to a hospital if I couldn't get him healthy at home, whether his issue was physical or mental. In my opinion, arranging care that you cannot provide for your child is not abandonment.

Sometimes in relationships, especially in power struggles between parents and children, ultimatums are inevitable. To some extent an ultimatum represents a "deal breaker" in a relationship, like someone in a marriage who might say, "if you don't stop drinking and seek help, I'm leaving." I could understand how your parents, who have tried to get you help as an outpatient, might deliver such an ultimatum to you. The other thing that they could have done was simply to have you committed involuntarily, and the sheriff could have shown up at your door and taken you to the hospital against your will. My feeling is that they gave you this ultimatum to spare you the ugly piece of involuntary hospitalization-- as others have likely told you. And your T agreed, because everything else they have tried has led nowhere.

Some day, your strong willed ways and passion for doing what you feel is best for yourself will really serve you well. When these traits are tempered with perspective and wisdom, young people can really flourish. I would encourage you to see this hospitalization as an opportunity for you to get healthy and build coping skills without the pressures of school and the reactions of your family. I would guess that maybe others on this board might feel like I do-- I wish I'd had the chance to seek therapy or hospitalization when I was your age, but my parents never would have permitted it because of the possibility of revealing family secrets. Families have to work at their own stuff when kids are hospitalized-- family therapy at the hospital, consultations with your doctors and therapists, where they may be challenged in ways that they do not like and where they will have to change before you can come home, dealing with what you reveal at the hospital as it reflects them and their parenting.

I think if you can take this opportunity as one of growth rather than abandonment, it can be a really positive one for you.

I read an essay/memoir piece by Lauren Slater (who has written lots of mental health oriented books), called "Three Spheres" in Lee Gutkind's edited collection called In Fact (I looked, and I can't find the entire essay online). She's a therapist, and the piece focuses on her looking back at her hospitalization in her teens as a "borderline" who was thought would never get well. Of course, she not only gets well, but goes on to get her Ph.D. and treat other people with similar problems, including someone who is hospitalized at the same institution that she was. I mention it because it is inspiring as a way to understand how the experience of institutionalization can be a catalyst for someone's life change, and a very profound one. There are other books and stories out there about teens who are hospitalized that reveal that even though there are lots of negative things about institutions and they are certainly not Disneyland, they do offer healing and support and a chance to learn about yourself and make positive changes in your life.