[franki_j]

I have always been an anxious person, but recently my anxiety has gotten so much worse, partly b/c of a new job I started. Anyways, I had been feeling really frustrated with my session two weeks ago because I felt like T didn't know how bad it gotten.

SO before this Tuesday's session I emailed T and told her I felt like I wanted to check into a mental hospital and she said my anxiety had gotten to the point where I needed medication, which is a huge point of contention with us. So we spent the entire session arguing; I told her I didn't have money to pay a p-doc, etc. So finally towards the end she kind of just snapped and was like "I have given you so many options, I have offered to reduce my fee for you, etc. etc." And I just stood up and said, "I'm sorry," and she said "Don't be sorry," and then I walked out. I felt like crap after I walked out, I wanted her to run after me or something. I also felt like she had gotten so angry and lost her patience and started yelling. We have also agreed to greatly limit my emailing her a while ago, so I felt like I couldn't even tell her how much she had hurt me. After I left I went to a bathroom and cut; I was so so so upset.

Anways, the next day I emailed her and told her how horrible I felt and that i had cut. I felt so awful like I couldn't concentrate on anything and the whole day I was in a daze. I felt like I was hurting so bad from our session the previous day, like I would explode from the hurt. When she didnt respond to my email I called her and left a message. Ten minutes later she called me back, and I could tell that she really cared.

She said she hadn't had a chance to respond to my email and said she wished I had called her instead of cutting. She said that what I experienced as anger was frustration at seeing me suffering and not being able to do anything about it. She said that she wanted to help me. Then she asked what I was going to do after I got off the phone with her and I said "Nothing," and I told her I was tired, and she told me to go to sleep, but the way she said it was so caring and gentle.

Anyways, I decided to see a p-doc, but I want it to be someone my T knows, which is hard because the only p-docs she knows are super-expensive and don't take insurance, so she is trying to get me into the Psychiatry Clinic at the school she teaches at, or see if her colleagues know anyone that takes my insurance. I can tell that she is really trying to get me to see someone that won't be super-expensive but also that she knows. I really appreciate this.

Frank that is awesome and remember , meds don't have to be forever.

[CantExplain]

Good luck!

Good luck to you! It's true meds don't have to be forever. My pdoc decreased mine awhile back from 100 MG to 75 MG, then a few months later I decreased it on my own to 50 MG and when I told him, and told him that it's been fine, he said I likely was not getting any benefit from 50 mg and I probably didn't need it anymore. I have not completely stopped them just yet though. It has helped me SOOOO much (I'm on Zoloft) I'm a little hesitant to just stop. Which he said was fine too. SO good luck with the meds. The zoloft really turned me around and made me able to function again after my depression. I didn't start therapy until I'd been on meds for a couple years. I sorta did it backwards. LOL

[Syra]

What a lovely feeling I feel hearing about your T's help in search for affordable options. Sometimes I like being competent, and sometimes I like being cared for. It's a nice balance to have. Hearing your story makes me smile as I remember times my T did this for me. Thanks

[franki_j]

Thanks for the support everyone.
Last session went a lot better; T let me go overtime and let me borrow an anxiety workbook, so I started reading it after session and photo-copied the worksheets and have started filling them out every day.

The really good news is that on Tuesday she filled out a referral form for the Psychiatric Residency clinic at the school she works at, and they called me on Friday and asked me some questions. My initial consultation isn't until April 9, b/c there's a waiting list, but it makes me feel good that they called me so quickly and the director of the program sounded really nice when I talked to her on the phone. She said that the initial consultation would take about two hours, and it's not a guarantee that they'll take me if they think I could be better helped elsewhere, but on the phone she said it sounded like I was really suffering and that she wished they could take me earlier, so I am hopeful. The best part, however, is that it's free. The only thing I have to pay for is the meds, but I am pretty sure my insurance will cover that. Even though it's a residency clinic, so they p-docs are still in training, it's an Ivy league school, and my T said the residents are much better than your average residents and even better than other p-docs on average. It makes me happy that I might be able to get some help, plus I am doing that workbook.

I left T a message yesterday letting her know the good news.