[MissCharlotte]

I recently had surgery and hadn't seen T for more than two weeks. I have been with T for a long time now, about 6 1/2 years, or a lifetime -- I'm not sure which. T was very caring surrounding my illness, called me to check in a couple of times and we had one phone session. Our relationship is at the most reciprocal it has been ever--meaning we are not fighting and haven't in a long time. This is a big change for us. the truth is I am much better psychologically, all these years of therapy have paid off. I'm also tired, and wanting so much to be in my life in a present, and meaningful way.

Since the surgery I've experienced a wide range of emotions as well as physical symptoms. But I am healing. When I went to see T this week I was so very happy to be in "our" space that the pain and fatigue I had been experiencing just melted away. I wound up late for session (wondering why). And when I left T's he said it was good to see me looking so well and smiling. I left happy. It wasn't until today that I realized I replicated (yet again) my relationship with my mother. I learned at a very young age to hide how I really feel and to not burden her with illness. If I had a sore throat she was usually at work. And when she came home she was always so tired that I didn't want to bother her with my problems. So my relationship with her was okay if I was okay and so I learned how to pretend I was okay so I could have her. That's what I did with T. I didn't want or know how to be sick in his presence, so I could only go to his office when I could put a smile on my face and sit in the chair comfortably. I wonder now about his part in this transaction because I couldn't do it all alone.
Does he also avoid the ugly? Hmmmm, wondering.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

1. When I went to see T this week I was so very happy to be in "our" space that the pain and fatigue I had been experiencing just melted away.

. . .

2. I left happy.

3. It wasn't until today that I realized I replicated (yet again) my relationship with my mother.

. . .

4. I wonder now about his part in this transaction because I couldn't do it all alone.

I don't understand why #1 and #2 are not true, and #3 is. You said (in #3) that you "realized" that you replicated your relationship, but I don't understand why you came to understand it was more true than what honestly makes more sense to me, which is that your happiness as described in #1 and #2 are authentic. Is it possible you have trouble accepting that you could authentically be happy in T? Or is there some reason why it might be difficult to accept that you are in fact doing your relationship with T differently, as that is a sign of growth and progress, and you feel uncomfortable with that?

Even if you did engage in this replication you describe in #3, it doesn't follow that your T is somehow colluding with you in this process. More likely, your T is being authentic in response to what he feels is your current state. He can't tell the difference between real "happiness" and you faking it out of a sense of replication of a former unhealthy dynamic. You were probably a good actor, given that you had to engage in this ruse with your Mom for a long time. So I'm not sure why you are eager to see him as part of something negative, rather than seeing this as something that you did to yourself. I don't think you're pointing fingers or blaming here-- and I don't think it's an issue of blame. But at some point, I think the only person responsible for the unhealthy behaviors we engage in is ourselves.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Anne2.0,
You pose interesting questions. I don't think my statements are black and white, either/or. Rather I think therapy and our experiences are multi-layered; so, yes I was glad to see T but at the same time I didn't let him see my pain so I was also engaging in a old behavior simultaneously. I think what I'm struggling with is not so much an acceptance of my different relationship with T (although that has been a very difficult thing to move through); but rather the understanding of the limitations of my relationship with my Mom because prior to T I didn't have a lot of memories of my childhood. I think that we can understand lots about our primary relationships by examining our relationship with T and others. I also think that in the transference/countertransference there is always room for two to tango.

" It wasn't until today that I realized I replicated (yet again) my relationship with my mother."

Just to clarify my understanding... do you mean that by not going to session until you felt well enough to go without being "sick" that is how you replicated?

I don't see think your T would have a part in that. I don't think a T would encourage a client not to come if they wanted but in turn they wouldn't encourage a client to come if they aren't feeling well enough too and that is why T offered phone session and check in calls.

It's good to be aware of our patterns..

[ECHOES]

(((((((((( MissCharlotte ))))))))) So good to see you!

I love the beauty of the relationship, how it has become for you, and how you experienced that feeling of T's being a safe place to be the whole you that you are. We are so fortunate for our T's, who know us well, and are so relieving just in their space and presence.

[MissCharlotte]

So nice to see you too Echoes. Yes, your sentiment is well said! I feel so fortunate.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

(((((((((( MissCharlotte ))))))))) So good to see you!

I love the beauty of the relationship, how it has become for you, and how you experienced that feeling of T's being a safe place to be the whole you that you are. We are so fortunate for our T's, who know us well, and are so relieving just in their space and presence.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Readytostop,

Perhaps using the word replicate is too specific. It is not unusual for me to notice something several days after a session. And I noticed that I was holding back on some ways of how I felt, like I had to do in order to have my Mom. It is not how I have to be with T, but unconsciously I projected the image I thought would serve me, rather than relax in the trust of and knowing of our relationship. Any time we live in the past we rob ourselves of the present.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I recently had surgery and hadn't seen T for more than two weeks. I have been with T for a long time now, about 6 1/2 years, or a lifetime -- I'm not sure which. T was very caring surrounding my illness, called me to check in a couple of times and we had one phone session. Our relationship is at the most reciprocal it has been ever--meaning we are not fighting and haven't in a long time. This is a big change for us. the truth is I am much better psychologically, all these years of therapy have paid off. I'm also tired, and wanting so much to be in my life in a present, and meaningful way.

Since the surgery I've experienced a wide range of emotions as well as physical symptoms. But I am healing. When I went to see T this week I was so very happy to be in "our" space that the pain and fatigue I had been experiencing just melted away. I wound up late for session (wondering why). And when I left T's he said it was good to see me looking so well and smiling. I left happy. It wasn't until today that I realized I replicated (yet again) my relationship with my mother. I learned at a very young age to hide how I really feel and to not burden her with illness. If I had a sore throat she was usually at work. And when she came home she was always so tired that I didn't want to bother her with my problems. So my relationship with her was okay if I was okay and so I learned how to pretend I was okay so I could have her. That's what I did with T. I didn't want or know how to be sick in his presence, so I could only go to his office when I could put a smile on my face and sit in the chair comfortably. I wonder now about his part in this transaction because I couldn't do it all alone.
Does he also avoid the ugly? Hmmmm, wondering.

It is SOOO good to hear from you again I hope you are feeling better now, and if you aren't, that you are taking good care of yourself.

It is really exciting to hear how well you are doing, and that your therapy has paid off. I am SO happy for you!

It is difficult to stop reenacting old patterns completely. It is good that you noticed what you did and what was going on. I am wondering if maybe it wasn't that your T wanted to avoid the ugly, as much as he really wanted you to be happy and well. So, if he detected any hint that you might not be well, between your acting coupled with his desire for you to be well, that he then was easily able to believe what he wanted to believe. That is my analysis, free of charge. You'll have to ask him next session, I will be eagerly awaiting the results!

Hope you stay around for awhile.

[MissCharlotte]

(Anti)

I like your analysis. You should charge 5 cents!

[tinyrabbit]

I think we always look for signs that we are replicating certain relationships. And I think your T would be interested to know that you experienced it that way, and I think it's important to discuss your experience. By bringing these patterns into therapy we can examine how they happen and learn how not to let them happen.

Whatever our Ts do or say, we are bound to pick out the things that remind us of other people. I don't think it's a case of robbing yourself of the present by living in the past. The past is here with us all the time and this kind of experience tells us that something isn't fixed, isn't sorted, isn't examined enough yet.

Don't feel bad about this projection, or transference. I would see it as a clue, a puzzle piece.

[archipelago]

I think I understand what you are getting at. I also have learned to "fake good" to protect others. Usually, I can be real with my therapist though, but every once in while it doesn't happen that way and leaves me wondering what I'm doing.

Once I had a conversation about this dynamic. My therapist had seemed too "light" in the previous session so I called him on it, not confrontationally, but really trying to see what was going on. He thought about it and realized that sometimes because he cares it is difficult to sit with lots of pain, but he was quick to point out that if I ever was feeling that pull in him to point it out right away and not feel hesitant. Since that conversation, he is self-correcting without my having to say anything. And he is more aware of times when I pull away from painful stuff toward other things and tries to gently turn me toward what I might be trying to cover over.

At first all of this dynamic was talked about in a self-conscious way. Now it is just worked into the relationship so it is just part of things and my tendency to "protect" him has gone away. There is a greater range of emotion too. I can talk about painful things and be light as well. I don't see it as contradiction any more. I guess I'm less "in" my feelings and able to see them a bit more distanced. Not all the time of course, nor would that be ideal anyway. But with something like PTSD emotions can carry you away so it is nice to feel that I can have emotions but not have them overwhelm me so much.

[MissCharlotte]

Thank you Iota. Your perspective is wise and I think describes well certain aspects of my relationship with T--in particular, the new experience of naming emotions without getting overwhelmed by then and maybe experiencing the wide range of emotions simultaneously. So what I experienced were a number of things at the same time -- protection of T, and joy in being with him and relief that the surgery was over. It's not all or nothing anymore, black and white have blended. Wow!