[Big Mama]

I am female. I have always had a female T. I have thought having a male T but just didn't feel comfortable w/ the idea. What prompted you to choose male or choose female? I have been hurt by men and don't know if I could handle a male T. Because of the hurt from men should I have a male T to work threw things differently. Any opinion on this.

[critterlady]

I think the gender of the therapist doesn't make as much difference as how well you connect with them.

I'd had a couple of female therapists before and never thought I'd see a male. When I started therapy a year ago, I didn't really have a choice which therapist I got (a university clinic). I got a male T and he was awesome. I was really nervous about it, but he was so easy to talk to. When he left the state, I tried another female T and was very unhappy with her, so I started seeing my current T, who is also male. He's the best one yet. Sometimes it makes things a bit more challenging to talk about, but he makes it all safe and I usually feel a little more confident when I've managed to tell him the awkward stuff.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I am female. I have always had a female T. I have thought having a male T but just didn't feel comfortable w/ the idea. What prompted you to choose male or choose female? I have been hurt by men and don't know if I could handle a male T. Because of the hurt from men should I have a male T to work threw things differently. Any opinion on this.

In the past I saw both female and male T's (2 of each) and they all helped me to a greater or lesser degree. But this time around I really wanted to work on my relationships with men, because I knew I had a problem there and that it probably had to do with my early r/s with my father. So I specifcally chose a male T. I thought maybe my relationship with T would shed some light on my r/s with men in RL, and maybe I could find out what I was doing wrong.

Sure 'nuf, transference kicked in big time and I AM finding out what the problems are, and working through them. Maybe if I had worked on this with a female T we would have eventually reached the same point - or maybe not. But it sure would have taken a whole lot longer.

I don't know what your main problems are, but if hurt from men is one of them, maybe a good, safe relationship with a male would help heal that. But if you have other issues and don't feel safe with men, then a female would probably be better, at least for now.

Hope this helps.

[Big Mama]

I was raped and am really paranoid around men. I fear myself in the depth of involvement with a man.

Big Mama,
I think it would be safer for you to see a female T until you can at least feel safe around men and talk through the rape with a female, for me I only feel safe around women because men have abused me in the past so for me personally I would only ever see females

[Perna]

I do not thing it is a "should". You can work things through with either gender, it is more important to be comfortable and able to relate to a therapist and have a rapport for conversation going than to be "anatomically correct"

[Emptty]

I'm a female and I've always felt intimidated around other women so I never really wanted a female.(thinking about giving one a try though)

Other than my negative feelings towards women, I've had a lot of problems in my relationships with males so I thought going to a male T would be beneficial. I knew a male T would give me the opportunity to be in a trusting relationship with a man and for a long time I got that from my male T. I learned to trust men, I learned they can be gentle and well now I might move onto a female but it's really whatever you're comfortable with.

[WikidPissah]

I'm female, and I have seen both gender. I am more relaxed with men around my age, but I am currently looking for a female.

[Big Mama]

Thank yall. I don't know about a man T. I don't know how I would conduct myself. Between being scared to death and lack of trust. I don't know how far we would get. I like the idea of talking the rape threw w/ a female T first. I was working on that before my T said it was not safe for me to go there yet. We had to halt and switch gears.

[geez]

(((bigmama))) I have only seen woman T's because I would be terrified to go to a male T and talk about the things I talk about. On some level I suppose it would be beneficial (T1 recommended a male T who specializes in sexual dysfunction etc... - NO WAY!) but I can't 'go there' as men have hurt me and I can't trust them around me.

[skycastle]

Have had poor success with female Ts and psychiatrists. Have had much better success with male ones. Not sure why. Have always bonded better with guys & general. I guess it's probably a personal thing.

[pbutton]

I picked a male T because I've always related better to men.

I have a background of CSA and rape, but have never had any luck with female T's. They treat me as fragile and broken and that just pisses me off and creeps me out. I've always preferred the directness and strength that my male T's have shown me in themselves and in myself.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I have a background of CSA and rape, but have never had any luck with female T's. They treat me as fragile and broken and that just pisses me off and creeps me out. I've always preferred the directness and strength that my male T's have shown me in themselves and in myself.

That's my experience, too, Farmergirl. The male T's I've seen have really focused on directness. I like that. They haven't let me get away with anything.

[Sunne]

I think for me, seeing a male T is healing. I was also assaulted by a few different men and have a real fear with men. I can't walk into a store with strange men or I'm vey triggered.

But T won't be a stranger forever. It's taken effort to trust him, but I find it's really helped me heal with relationships with men. Still a long way to go. But I think it's more the T he is then his gender that makes me feel safe. He's a good, caring person.

[stopdog]

I do better with women in general and have never had any of them treat me as fragile even with the csa. I tried out two men and hated them both for different reasons. I don't there there is a blanket right or wrong.

[trdleblue]

I have a history of csa with a female. I'm sure that played into me choosing a male T.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I chose an older female T because I was trying to work through CSA and attachment issues. However, my backup T(just saw him last week) is a male and I love him too. Both Ts are kind yet direct and I feel like I could work through any issue with either of them.

I tried working with a couple of female therapists. One was okay, but we didn't really connect and I absolutely refused to discuss the CSA with her. I only saw her for a couple of months. The other was an absolute disaster for me and very traumatizing. I realized at some point that my issues with other women went so deep and so wide that there was no way I was going to be able to work with a woman.

Some people have talked about needing to have a therapist of the sex that you have issues with in order to work on those issues. That has not been my experience. My relationships with other women have improved dramatically in the last year and a half.

[hamster-bamster]

Oh, I have been with so many different T's over the last twenty years.

The best: the current woman, who is an ... intern.

Second best: a man I saw very briefly and did not listen to him at all at that time, but the advice he gave me - to write - is actually golden. I started writing completely on my own, but once I saw the benefits, I remembered his advice and wrote a 5-star Yelp review of him, just for that.

Both the intern woman and the man are relatively young.

The most horrible: a woman with 30+ years of experience who ... I do not even want to begin.

The second most horrible: a man with decades of experience, who, when I came to see him saying that I intended to move to Mid-West (as far from California as possible - that was the plan) and never contact ex husband and the daughters because ex husband claimed that he would not be able to continue living in California in my presence... started talking to me about whether I should rent a U-Haul when moving to Mid-West. The idea itself did not in any way strike him as odd. Luckily, I had a new p-doc at that time, a most charming and warm Indian lady, who said that I should stay under her care and not move to another state without income, without friends or support or doctor there and without anything.

So, to sum up, it does not depend on the gender at all. Not in any way.

That's, in general. There might be exceptions specifically for rape cases.

[tinyrabbit]

I had a bad experience with a female once. She was massively insensitive and triggered me in the first session.

When I looked for the private T I'm seeing now, I knew I wanted a male. Initially because I didn't want to feel judged (which is totally my own issue) or compare myself. I didn't want to find myself envying my T or imagining what it was like to be her. I didn't want her to have smaller feet or better hair. And I was kind of looking for a father figure.

I've also realised I like knowing we are different. My T does not have the same body as me and cannot possibly know how certain experiences felt. Nor can he think: well I would do x in that situation (again, my own issue).

I have had many problems with men. To me, that means it's even more important to do therapy, and have corrective emotional experiences, with a male. And since the day I started ranting about my periods and he listened really sensitively, I'm confident he can handle stuff like that without embarrassing me.

Wow, old thread, but this topic comes up every few months or so.

Objectively, the gender of a therapist probably has nothing at all to do with their capabilities, so it is all a matter of personal preference.

Subjectively, I've never met a female therapist I felt comfortable with. You'd think I'd be more comfortable with a female considering my background with sexual abuse/rape, etc., but that just hasn't been the case for me.

I'm sure it has just been the luck (or bad luck) of the draw, but every single female therapist I have tried has just not worked well for me. They were either too coddling, leaving me feeling pitied or broken, or they had personal similar backgrounds as mine and divulged that information to me way too soon, or as women, I was left feeling inferior as they came across as so self-confident that I found myself comparing myself to them and coming up lacking, etc. I don't know; it just never worked for me.

I've only come across one male therapist I didn't care for: he was just kind of a cold fish and we just didn't mesh.

The 3 therapists I have worked with the longest were all men, all a bit older than me, all family men, all Christian, and now that I think about it, all teachers in some way, shape, or form (just realized that). Their style is what has appealed to me. They are no-nonsense, straight-forward, often pretty blunt in their approach, but at the same time they are very supportive, nurturing, caring, truly kind, gentle men, and great pillars of strength. Actually, when I look at the characteristics I just listed, I realize I've been described by other people very much the same way; must be why I feel comfortable with them. They "get" my personality because we share very similar personality traits.

[wotchermuggle]

This is probably going to sound completely backwards (even to me, it does sound backwards) but I've found male T's to be more understanding and less emotional.

That said, the female T's I've very briefly seen have been of completely different therapeutic orientations. That probably plays a huge role.

I don't know, I feel like a male t can contain things better for me.

[MissCharlotte]

I think you should choose a T who you are comfortable with. I also thought I couldn't have a male T but T and I have been working through it for a long time now. I chose him when I was in pretty bad shape and falling apart so I took the first recommendation I was given! My first T, long ago was a female and I loved her too but she was not as insightful as my T now.

[ready2makenice]

Me,I could also personally only see a female T. I'm not comfortable enough opening up to men because of my trust issues and pain they've caused. Plus I also feel as though they can't relate as much,but what works for me may not work for you.

To each their own

Good Luck!!