First time in therapy - overwhelming

Oh no, that's tough. I sometimes write things down - could you talk to your t and explain you really need her to read this?

Now I feel like not telling her anything if she doesn´t care. (silly child talking) But what good that will do me? None
I guess she feels this writing things down is part of my big issue of control and perfectionism and she doesn´t want to feed in to it. Which I should understand BUT the feelings overcome my brain on this one.

That's frustrating! I'm sorry. I understand her point, but sometimes I wish therapists knew just how hard it was to say some things. It's not that she doesn't care or doesn't want to hear it...she just feels it would be better for you to say it. Having done both (going into T with something written for her to read, and actually saying the words to her in session) I do think it's more healing to be able to say it. But that's really hard to do. Just know your T isn't rejection you or your story...she's trying to help you, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. I don't know how to put the "hug" smiley face in here, but if I could find it, I'd put it here...

I didn´t write for few days here and I asked one moderator to delete my oversharing post from the page 2 about my sexual encouters I didn´t feel comfortable having it online. But it was important for me to get some feedback so thank you for that.
I don´t feel well last few days and it is not something I´m used to. The therapy is starting to really get me down. My mind wont stop and what worst is that stuff is coming up from back of my memory that I can´t deal with. I can´t stop it. I was able not to think about it since I left home when I was 18 just blocked it out and done. I was f....ing happy why this is happening to me?! It feels like I´m getting back to that black hole. I don´t want to!! How do I stop it? I want to take all these f...ing memories and flush them down the toilet!!
I don´t know if I can deal with this I just want for it to stop and it will not happend if I do this therapy thing. I can´t sleep or eat I feel sick I nearly vomit in the public transport when yet another memory creeped into my brain. I just started this stuff I didn´t know it is that hard! I just can´t do it.

(((((((((((((((( solepa )))))))))))))) I hope you can keep reminding yourself, you are not alone in this work; you have chosen to work with a pro, yr T is an experienced guide who can help you. The things you are determined to work on are deep and serious, and yes will be heavy going at times; but T can titrate the exposure and make things easier for you.

see if you two can come up wiht some coping strategies, some self care strategies, to help you to not be overwhelmed. These are very important.

I really admire your courage. please go gently with yourself. come on back here whenever you want to; you will find someone here most any time.

Here's the other thing, if this T will not work with you in a way that is best for you, you can choose another T. I would probably still be stuck in therapy if my T refused to read the stories I've written or the articles I've wanted to share with him. You can check around and see if you can find someone who will read what you write.

Hello Solepa

Is it posssible to say all of the things you have said here with your therapist? - they are very important and part of the work you need to do - you very eloquently speak of your fears.

It's very normal to want a quick fix - because that would mean avoiding our feelings - and they are often painful. You are normal to want to avoid something painful - that's why you put the pain away, so much so that you can't get it out again - it feels you have no feelings. I am sorrry you had to do that - sorry you were so hurt you couldn't cope with the pain.

Unfortunately staying so numb now won't help you. It very much sounds that you have held something down, shut away, for a long time, and now it is knocking harder and harder to try to get you to listen? - and you have listened to something inside you and are now in therapy. That took great courage. But now the hard work starts, You have a choice and you don't have to stay, but if you do, although painful at times, good things can happen - it's about being set free and being fully alive - and that can only be done in a trusting relationship and needs time.

I know it costs alot - if it feels too much can you negociate something more manageable with your therapist? Can you look at it as an investment in your future and the most important work you will ever do?

I really do hear your are frightened - and that would be very normal - it's important that you can unpack your fears in therapy - and that will be part of your work, and while that is going on, you will be gaining trust in your therapist.

Moon

Thank you all very much for your support. I need it now you keep me going. I feel my world is upside down. Not a long time ago I was care free, happy, optimistic...things were great....and now I´m a wreck I want my old me and everything else back.

When I first started therapy I wanted the same thing. It's hard to look at your pain and face it head on. I wanted desperately to get back to being numb and "fine". I thought I was better off before I knew what was inside of me. Therapy makes things worse before it gets better. I'm in the "things are getting better" phase now, for the most part, and I'm so glad I stuck it out in the beginning when I felt like my world was falling apart. I've realized that I was just surviving before...I wasn't really happy or really care free. Life was actually very bad. But I couldn't see this side of it when I was first starting. Its worth it. Now I know what it feels like to really feel happiness. I have real relationships. My whole life is changing for the better in a way I never thought possible. But I have been through hell and back to get to this point. I still have a long way to go, but I can tell you that I understand how hard it is to start to face your demons. I wanted to go back to my old self more than anything. But now, I wouldn't go back for the world. You will get through this part and things will get better. Reach out for support as much as you need to. We all get it here. I'm glad you are posting, and I hope you know that you are welcome here.

Hello everyone! I just got back from very interesting session! Haha a talked about me not being ok and T asked me about my memories so I told her and made her quite emotional there and I was just smiling and laughing the whole time! She asked me if I ever talk about it with more appropriate reaction like maybe cry??? Wow no way lady!!!
She said she didn´t hear about parent that had such methods and systems to abuse their child like mine had...well good to know....or maybe not. Like a little soldier she said .....well that is why I´m in police training I guess feels like home. That is just so funny. Have a great day everybody! I feel kind of high now.

Hi so just after another session. It was good one for sorting stuff out not so deep like last time.
After the session two weeks ago I was feeling guilty about my T about making her sad also about making her stay late when it was sunny outside and just thinking about her needs a lot. So we talked about that today. About my guilt and where it came from.

I´m getting frustrated with the fact she doesn´t want to read anything I write down but I didn´t have time to talk about it today, so I have to in next week session.
I started to write in "Survivors of abuse - Dealing with the memories" and I wrote something there I really would like her to read (my day dream 6th post) but I don´t know if she ever will. And I don´t feel like talking about it in person. Why my T can´t just read it like others do? But I don´t want to change T she is so good in all the other things ... and also I´m pretty sure she reads stuff from other clients so this is just me! Grrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated by your T not reading what you write. It sounds like you're making good progress though. From what you've written, I wonder if your T thinks writing things down is a way to continue being in control and avoiding your feelings? I know that's what I'm doing when I write stuff down, and when my T reads it, it doesn't really achieve anything because I'm not processing it or feeling it. He says it's also not relational as he's not there with me if he's reading. What if you offered to read it aloud to your T, would that work?

I really feel for you saying that therapy is making you feel worse, but I wonder if it's really true that you were fine and happy before? Or were you just in denial and hiding things away? Therapy IS hard, it hurts, it's difficult, and I wish it didn't have to be - but it will get better as you go through the process, I honestly believe that. It does sound like your T has a lot of understanding. Unfortunately what you want isn't necessarily what you need and it's a T's job sometimes to make unpopular choices that will benefit you in the long run. But don't be afraid to talk to your T about how you feel - it's good that you're doing that. Ultimately only you can decide if you're seeing the right person, but I think it's worth hanging in there for a bit. Talking about how you feel about her not reading stuff seems like it could be really important in allowing you to have feelings.

(((Hugs)))

I would like to thank all the people here that are so supportive and kind and are making this site alive and helpful in many ways. I do appriciate it and it helped me a lot in the last few weeks I have been in therapy.

I´m having quite thoughtful few days and big things are happening for me right now in my mind. It is kind of difficult to explain.

This process that took place yesterday made me go thru some of my issues and one of them was very very scary for me. It made me feel like horrible maybe even evil person and I thought I was born somehow sick and perverted in the head. It created HUGE guilt and shame in me, years and years of it. Yesterday I find out that this is probably not something I was born with but rather reaction to something that happened and it is not evil it is actualy quite common in certain trauma and many people deal with it in similar or same way.
I don´t know if anybody can relate but I still can´t really believe it. That means I don´t have to live with this huge shame anymore and take it with me to my grave I can let it go it is not mine to carry around. The relieve I feel is unbelievable.

I would love to talk about this with my T but I still don´t feel ok with going into this subject. It makes me sad not be able to share this with her because it is a BIG DEAL .I feel it is still too much of a chaos to talk about. I still need to think about it much more before telling her I guess. I dunno it is like all too newly discovered to talk about in person. But I hope I will be able soon.

So actualy even I did not feel this way few days ago I´m happy I started therapy it is doing "miracles" now. It just has ups and downs. So guys keep up the good and hard work and I wish you all the best. Take care!!!