Therapist reacted badly to criticism

This is really good advice. I'm going to think a lot about your point here:

"What we may perceive as defensive or accusatory may not be at all what the T intended to convey. At that point, it may be helpful to clarify with your T what she actually meant vs. how you heard it. It can be as simple as saying "when I brought up my concern last week, I felt like it brought out a defensive response in you. Was that accurate?"

I think I'm going to rephrase my discussion with our T in just that way, Ask her if what I felt last week, i.e. that it brought out a defensive response response in you, was accurate or not.

I had one who was horrible at it. I was shocked. I knew more about I-messages and owning feelings than she did.

The other one is just beautiful.

I wouldn't be surprised if there are more bad ones than good ones, but I have experienced good ones.

Just a follow up everyone to how the session went today. I always hate it when someone posts for advice on one of these forums, like relationship advice, car advice, etc., but doesn't follow up with an update.

I read the letter, and her response was mostly positive, but not entirely.

She was apologetic that she had handled the discussion in such a way as to cause me to feel that I wasn't heard, that my feelings weren't validated, that I feel she didn't use Active Listening or reply with empathy.

She also commented that she was glad that I felt safe enough with her that I was able to write such a letter and share my feelings with her.

And she's correct. I did feel safe enough with her.

The negative part of it was she was stubborn in not specifically acknowledging that she didn't use active listening; that she, instead, sometimes did what my wife and I do with each other when we were learning Active Listening: that she ran me over by defending herself, providing excuses, and then an accusation.

She labeled it transference, and I acknowledged that there's probably some truth in there, but in reality she's deflecting the criticism herself.

However, I explained that it's easy to model Active Listening, as she does in our sessions for us, when the concern is not directed at you. When you're discussing about a 3rd party's concern, it's easy. When someone is directing the concern at you, it's hard; and the two times I've directed the concern at her, she didn't use the technique.

However, transference or not, I got her to admit that she'll try to use it next time.

All in all, I'm glad I wrote and read the letter. I had a bit of anxiety in doing it, but at least she knows what I'm feeling and where I'm coming from.

I wish she would have outright acknowledged that she should have used active listening, but I gladly accepted her apology that she was sorry that she discussed it in a way that hurt my feelings.