therapists and caring

1stepatatime · May 05, 2013, 10:01 PM

For me---it does matter if my therapist cares--.or not. Fortunately I do believe my therapist genuinely cares for me and it helps me to feel secure and safe...even though I pay her for her services...she is dedicated....so that encourages me.

So hopeful · May 05, 2013, 11:47 PM

For me, caring is essential. I wouldn't have said that a few years ago. At that time I was seeing another therapist who, while certainly not hostile or even particularly unfriendly, was pretty cool and removed. I assumed that was normal. I stayed with her for about a year, not knowing any better, until I realized I wasn't progressing in any noticeable way.

The first time I walked through my current therapist’s door, I felt something quite different. He’s not chatty and forward as some people have described their therapists, but his warmth, humanity and profound and genuine caring filled the room. I was really moved and had the sudden, blossoming thought, “Oh, yes! I can work with this person.”

It didn’t take me long to realize that the lack of a relationship in my previous therapy was not only not normal but was a major factor in my not benefitting from the sessions. This past year working with my current psychologist I’ve benefitted so much from his warmth and caring. I feel supported and hopeful, which inspires me to work harder on the collaborative project of therapy.

It’s not the only quality that works for me, though. When I was shopping around for a therapist I saw a few others, for a few sessions each, who were very kind and caring but who I frankly didn’t feel were smart enough, or who didn’t seem to have enough of life wisdom and experience. But it is an essential ingredient in the mix. That first therapist was smart enough: I appreciated the quality of her insights, on the rare occasion she shared them. But I’ve come around to thinking that you can’t be truly intelligent if you aren’t also emotionally intelligent (or at least working towards it), and an emotionally mature person is necessarily caring. My current therapist is well read, insightful and wise, as well as compassionate and interested in my well-being. It makes for a very potent therapy.

sunrise · May 06, 2013, 12:49 AM

Quote:

Does belief a therapist cares enter into your thoughts about therapy

I chose "other" because I don't really think about it. I do not stress about or wonder about whether my T cares about me. I don't spend time on it. I just have a certain knowledge that he cares so it doesn't enter my thoughts. About the only time I think about it is when I read a thread on PC on this topic.

Solepa · May 06, 2013, 02:40 AM

I don´t get how you know if your T cares about you. I had only 6 sessions so that is maybe why I´m still not confident in this. My T is very nice to me she is kind she listens and all that but it is her job. Does she care to help me as professional?...Probably yes. Does she care about me as person? I have no idea and I don´t see how I would ever get to know that.

southpole · May 06, 2013, 04:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Solepa

I don´t get how you know if your T cares about you. I had only 6 sessions so that is maybe why I´m still not confident in this. My T is very nice to me she is kind she listens and all that but it is her job. Does she care to help me as professional?...Probably yes. Does she care about me as person? I have no idea and I don´t see how I would ever get to know that.

I think you will know when it happens ... it might take longer, I definitely thought she didn't care (or was paid to care) for ages (I've been seeing her almost a year). Only in the past few weeks have I realized that she DOES care and it's made a massive difference to how I feel in therapy.

I think it was tinyrabbit's post re "what feeling is this??" which made me really realize what it feels like to have a T care, especially if you haven't really been cared for before in your life, or you have had to care for yourself for so long that it almost seems wrong to have someone else care. So the feeling when I realized she cares was that powerful yet elusively hard to define "therapy love" feeling where I felt suddenly so protected and safe and happy too. It was weird because it wasn't what I expected and it certainly wasn't something I thought I'd ever feel from her because I was convinced she was "in it for the money" and that I was not someone who anyone would WANT to care for.

Yeah so the point of this ramble is that you may just have this realization one day that she does care - and she might not even say it. But I will expect it will take longer than a few sessions. Will be interested to hear whether you experience this at some point! I think it definitely is representative of the quality of the T relationship - I have seen three other Ts who I couldn't care less about and I'm sure they didn't care about me either. So I think it also happens when you care too.

I was also really happy to read the article that lemons80 (I think) posted a few days ago re what we pay for in therapy is not for them to care, but for them not to bring their own stuff into the T room. The article basically said that you can't pay them to care, they either do or they don't. Reading that helped me a lot re my feelings of being suspicious about T. I'll try find the thread and the link unless someone else has it handy?

Of course that's probably not true for all Ts, but I have a feeling (a hope?) that it's the case with mine

WikidPissah · May 06, 2013, 05:41 AM

I need t to NOT care. If she cares than I won't want to say what I need to say. I need a non-partial bystander, I have enough people who care about me.

Oh, and ACK ACK ACK.

tinyrabbit · May 06, 2013, 06:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by southpole

I think you will know when it happens ... it might take longer, I definitely thought she didn't care (or was paid to care) for ages (I've been seeing her almost a year). Only in the past few weeks have I realized that she DOES care and it's made a massive difference to how I feel in therapy.

I think it was tinyrabbit's post re "what feeling is this??" which made me really realize what it feels like to have a T care, especially if you haven't really been cared for before in your life, or you have had to care for yourself for so long that it almost seems wrong to have someone else care. So the feeling when I realized she cares was that powerful yet elusively hard to define "therapy love" feeling where I felt suddenly so protected and safe and happy too. It was weird because it wasn't what I expected and it certainly wasn't something I thought I'd ever feel from her because I was convinced she was "in it for the money" and that I was not someone who anyone would WANT to care for.

Yeah so the point of this ramble is that you may just have this realization one day that she does care - and she might not even say it. But I will expect it will take longer than a few sessions. Will be interested to hear whether you experience this at some point! I think it definitely is representative of the quality of the T relationship - I have seen three other Ts who I couldn't care less about and I'm sure they didn't care about me either. So I think it also happens when you care too.

I was also really happy to read the article that lemons80 (I think) posted a few days ago re what we pay for in therapy is not for them to care, but for them not to bring their own stuff into the T room. The article basically said that you can't pay them to care, they either do or they don't. Reading that helped me a lot re my feelings of being suspicious about T. I'll try find the thread and the link unless someone else has it handy?

Of course that's probably not true for all Ts, but I have a feeling (a hope?) that it's the case with mine

I think it was this link: What You Pay For Â« what a shrink thinks

The way I see it, I pay my therapist for his time, his presence and his expertise, and the caring is free. How do I know he cares about me? I have major trust issues, so for me it's been a case of actually building up a case in my head for believing that he cares about me.

When I started that thread about 'what feeling is this?' I had experienced a feeling I had just never known before. My T was talking about how it's a tragedy not of my or his making that I keep freaking out and convincing myself I can't trust him. At one point he said: "I hold your hand such a lot in here, inside my mind," and he looked at me with such caring and compassion in his eyes.

I'm not used to being cared for by authority figures, so it's all a bit of a learning process. For me personally, a big part of it is the fact that my T is willing to go round in circles working on trust repair again and again, and is willing to repeat things and answer the same questions to help me feel safe and reassured. I am such a drama queen sometimes and I said I wouldn't blame him if he took me up on the offer to terminate whenever I get in a strop. I thanked him for not getting rid of me when he had the opportunity, thinking he might say: "That's okay." But he didn't. He said: "You need to matter more to yourself. You should expect more than that."

Either he really cares, or he's a terrifically good actor, basically!

Solepa · May 06, 2013, 09:29 AM

Yeah this link to the blog that lemon80s send was originally from me so I know this blog very well I read everything there. I know the theory and I wish my T would care about me one day but I don´t know if she will or not. And as you said the genuine care can´t be bought so she eaither will or she won´t. I just don´t know If I will ever believe it is real as she can pretend to care if she thinks I need it to get better.
And because I have problems with trust I think this feeling that she cares is very important to me and to my ability to let her get closer to me.

stopdog · May 06, 2013, 09:49 AM

I don't think the actual therapist or whether they actually care or no has anything to do with it. I think it is the belief of the client that is the crux.

May 06, 2013, 06:23 PM

I care that my therapist cares. Especially with the thpe of trauma work we do, which can be horrible sometimes. If i didnt believe she didnt care deeply then i wouldnt be able to get thru it. It helps a lot that especiall6 after a tough session t will say something like, i love you, you sre important to me, i will stick with you thru this.

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