fears about therapy today

Maybe I need a few pocketriders today. I need some moral support or guardian angels or something.

I am going to therapy today and will talk about a problem I'm having with T. I am feeling wronged by him--betrayed, even stomped on--by a series of several incidents. I'm upset and angry. I am not usually angry about anything with anyone so this is super hard for me. If we don't have this out, I know the feelings would be too strong for me to continue to sit across from him in the future and try to do therapy. So I feel it's either resolve this or end. I'm scared I won't be able to express the problem and my feelings to T. I'm scared I'll just sit there. Maybe I'll even start crying, which is not what I want to do. I want to be able to tell him I'm upset/angry and why, not cry. I'm also scared I might lose the therapy relationship if we can't resolve this.

I'm not trying to be dramatic or make a mountain out of a molehill. This is very serious to me. I'm sorry I can't give more details and don't mean to be cryptic. I'm just so apprehensive about going today. Scared. Worried.

Thanks for reading. Please come along.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I hope confronting it, things work out.

Count me in. I understand that fear. Good luck.

Coming with you Sunny! also sending prayers for your peace.

I'm in your pocket, Sunrise.

If it helps, I felt like this recently. I couldn't say it, so I wrote it all down. And I'm glad I did, as we worked through a lot of difficult stuff.

Maybe you need to get angry with someone? You say you never get angry. Maybe it's in there somewhere, and this is a safe way for it to come out. I know I could never get angry with the people who've hurt me in the way I get angry with my T.

You can do this. I'm super skilled at telling people I am angry (even when I am something OTHER than angry.), so I will be an interesting addition to your pocket.

I'm there. Maybe make a list of the several incidents and start with a discussion of them rather than what you are currently feeling; you have decided you want to discuss the problems and your feelings have helped you decide that; that's what they're for; you don't necessarily have to relay the current feelings (they'll change and/or could betray you in doing so, having the anxiety over talking to him take center stage over the anger, etc.)

Can you use a little humor to make it not so intense for yourself, "Hi, I have a bone to pick with you today about these 5 incidents!" Euphemisms aren't necessarily good/bad ("A euphemism is a generally innocuous word or expression used in place of one that may be found offensive or suggest something unpleasant.") they can be quite useful sometimes.

Thank you. This touched my funny bone. So glad you will be in my pocket.

Thanks. Yes I definitely don't want to lead with "I'm feeling scared to talk about this" or "I'm so anxious I can't even talk right now." If I said those, I know I would just start crying. I am going to make a list so I can refer to it if I get flustered and forget what I want to talk about. I don't think I can use humor... It's very serious to me.

I just want to say that you're brave to even consider doing this. I think when you have a strong attachment to your T, it is really difficult to be confrontative-- however much you know you need to and however much you know he will probably (secretly) applaud you for raising your issues.

I think it's brave because many people never get to the point where they are willing to speak up about what is bothering them, in T or elsewhere. I've known lots of people who quit therapy rather than raise these issues in therapy. Maybe this is part of your history in intimate relationships (I know it is for mine), where its difficult to speak up and tell people how you really feel. At least for me, the problem is that the self-imposed silencing has all kinds of negative ripples in interpersonal relationships and it costs me something as a person as well. I think the thing to keep in mind is that T is one of the safest places to practice this ability to speak up, because he is invested in you and your relationship. It's his job to help you do this. You are not alone in it, even though you have to take the first brave step to raise it.

Good luck. I'm not a pocket rider, but I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

Yes, but how will you feel when the problems are resolved (you do believe you all can work it out don't you? It's a problem, not a catastrophe); probably relieved and smiling and good.

My motto, "Laugh first if you can, cry only if you have to." It can be serious to you but you do not have to be that serious; confidence! You and he can do it!

I'm in, sunrise. I'm sorry you're in this position. I hope that it goes well.

I survived. We both did. I am feeling really tired after all of this and am going to go take a nap. Will add more later.

The session today will definitely be a memorable one. I was able to be tell T I was angry at him and be angry at him in the moment too. I did cry, which I had worried about. It's hard being so vulnerable. I expressed frustration at this and T told me I am crying because anger covers hurt and my tears show how hurt I am by this. That made me feel better, as I was thinking it just made me seem weak. It's kind of a watershed moment for me to be able to tell someone directly how hurt and angry I am. T felt pretty bad about the whole thing and that his actions had caused me so much pain. He must have apologized 100 times. Even though we talked at length and really hashed it out, I was still feeling so upset by it all that I was honest and told him I wondered if I could ever sit opposite him and do therapy again. That even though I understood what he had told me and had heard his apologies, I still was feeling wronged and hurt. He said it takes a while for our heart and feelings to catch up to our intellect and I felt reassured by that, because I have experienced that before. So I think everything's going to be OK. I just need some time for all this to spread throughout my brain and become truly understood on all levels.

At one point, he said he wanted to give me a hug and immediately followed that with, "but I won't because I want to give you your space." We have never hugged in the middle of a session (only at the end on my way out). As he said that, I was thinking, "hey, I do want a hug," but I also liked what he said about giving me space so I just sat and said nothing. I thought what he said was very considerate, like he was not trying to force himself on me when I might be feeling too angry to want a hug. But as I was sitting silently, T said he wanted to be closer to me so he came and sat down on my couch just inches away and made (another) very heartfelt apology while staring directly into my eyes. I am not used to being so close to him. His eyes were gigantic, and very blue. I started crying again then because his being so nice made me feel bad because my ex-husband never once was so nice to me when we were married. He never apologized to me for anything, even trivial matters. I told T this and that it hurt a lot to have a professional be nicer and care more than a husband. (This is not the first time this theme has come up in therapy. It makes me feel like I have a pathetic existence because I am closer to my T than I ever was to my former husband.) T understood. So I had some tears of grief over the marriage in addition to the earlier tears of anger/hurt. At the end of the session, I told him I wanted to hug so we did. When I went to take out my checkbook, he waved it away and said he would not accept payment for today. And unlike all of our sessions, we did not schedule our next appointment. I really liked that too, as I felt it was another way of giving me space. I know he will be there when I want to schedule another appointment. I don't feel in a rush. I have a lot to deal with the next couple of months and was thinking of putting therapy on hold anyway, until after I finish up a number of obligations in mid June and get more space in my schedule and less stress in my life.

A couple of hours after the session, I began to feel "lighter," maybe due to the "weight" of the anger and tension being gone. Then I felt exhausted and slept for a couple of hours. I feel fine now. It went well and I'm proud I was able to be so direct and express my feelings. I told T that I allowed myself to be so angry with him because of the great respect I have for our relationship. He told me it was "normal" for people to tell each other when something in the relationship was bothering them and try to set it right. (I haven't experienced that.) He said, "that's why you're here, to learn what normal is."