[Freewilled]

I am wondering if others here can relate to abandonment getting in the way of establishing a secure attachment with your T. This is a huge problem for me right now because I realized tonight that trusting my T only helps me part way - I trust my T that he is competent, compassionate, genuine, etc. based on what he has shown me ...the other part I don't know how to remedy.

Once I see he is trustworthy - then I am overcome by terrifying feelings that he cannot stay. Which we all know Ts cannot do long-term anyway. It just seems to be striking a nerve here. I notice that i start to doubt my T for no reason at all. I think I might be kind of making up reasons to sabotage the therapy in my mind to create distance. I'm not sure though....

Can anyone relate? And if so, if you are further along in the process of therapy (I've been in it about 8 weeks) were you able to work through this? How?

[Asiablue]

Yes, i've found this a problem in therapy. And you're right, therapists can't and won't be in out lives long term. But the ideal therapeutic relationship is that they stay with you as long as you need them. My new T described it as a bell curve of need/attachment which peaks in level of need and eventually becomes less and less the more work that is done. Eventually you won't need them in your life anymore and leaving them won't be the harrowing experience you think it will be, because by then you'll hopefully be a more healed and self- contained individual.

The trick is finding a decent therapist willing to take that long journey with you and see it to the end. THe perfect ending being you leaving, happy and confident in yourself.

[EllieBear]

I have struggled with this same thing. I started therapy about 7 years ago, and saw that T for just over a year. I spent the whole year fighting with this same thing...why would I connect to someone who was SUPPOSED to leave me in the end?? I kept such a wall up that I really wasted the whole year. I wouldn't tell her anything and stayed very numb because I couldn't get past this. She ended up having to quit for family reasons after that year, and looking back at the end of that year, I realized I had lost a great opportunity for healing because I left that fear of "the end" take over the whole process. I ended up deciding to find another T (which took a lot of work), and we talked about this fear a lot. I sat there many many times telling her I felt so stupid letting myself connect to her when she was supposed to leave, that was THE POINT, the goal of therapy. I told her that I felt like I was setting myself up to get hurt. She said something that stuck with me and I've gone back to whenever this fear rears it's ugly head...she looked at me with fake surprise on her face and said "oh? I didn't realize the goal of all this was for me to leave you. I thought it was for you to heal." She makes comments that make me roll my eyes all the time, and she totally got an eye roll for that one. But we continued talking and she's right. The goal of therapy is healing, and I can spend all my focus and energy worrying about how it will end, but that's not healing, and I could easily let myself spend all my time with her worrying and lose this great chance I have to work with her. Or, I can keep in mind that the ideal situation for ending is that I get to a point where I'm really ok without seeing her. She reminds me that I'm the one in control of that, baring some unforseen circumstance. There are no guarantees in life, any relationship can end at any time. She could die tomorrow. But so could anyone in my life. So do I want to live as a hermit, so I don't get hurt like that (because that's the only way to ensure that no one leaves me), or do I want to get what I can out of every day and learn and enjoy my relationships while I have them? I wasted the year I had with my other good therapist over "the end". I don't want to waste the time I have with this T too. And you know what, I've been seeing her for 5 years now, and when I could finally focus on the here and now and not worry about the future with her, I have been able to make HUGE strides. My life is so different than I ever thought possible. I don't worry so much about the end with her, or with anyone. Yes it could happen any time, but keeping everyone away so I don't get hurt is a really lonely way to live. When I was starting therapy, I couldn't see this at all. I just had to make a decision to either take the plunge and jump into therapy, or lose my opportunity to get the great help from my T that could heal my life. I am SO glad I jumped in!

[tinyrabbit]

Who says Ts can't stay long term if you need them? My T says I can go for therapy for as long as I like, so long as he is alive. They aren't the ones who leave - we are. We are supposed to leave them.

The way to deal with this is to talk about it!

[critterlady]

My previous T moved about 4 months after I met him. My friend's T just announced she's retiring at the end of the year. So, yeah, I have trouble trusting that my T will be there for me long term. The bright spot for me is that his daughter is only 13, so he'll be working for quite a while yet to pay tuition.

He's told me that he doesn't intend to retire until he can no longer physically do it. So, unless some disastrous thing happens, I think he's going to be there, but it's hard to completely trust that.

[feralkittymom]

This is all very interesting. I must say that in 11 years of therapy with the same T I never thought about abandonment or "his leaving me" until his health crisis--and then my fear was that he would die. Not that my therapy would end, or what would I do without him, but that his life would end.

I don't know if it was how he conducted the therapy--he was extremely consistent and reliable and the frame very secure--or that I just wasn't beset with abandonment issues. But the thought never crossed my mind.

I do think there's confusion around this topic between a perspective ruled by need and the power of a protector sort of transference in the present, and an inability to believe in or recognize the reality of change in the future.

If all goes well, by the time you are ready to leave therapy, you are no longer needy, and any transference has been resolved. You see your T and yourself in a much more realistic light. Many times, you go your separate ways because it's what you want to do.

But it's not so uncommon for former clients to maintain a connection with their T post therapy. This only happens if both are comfortable with such an arrangement, and, generally, the client initiates the contact. But it's not something that should even be on your radar to consider while engaged in therapy because then it reflects transference, not reality. It's just not something to worry about as a reality--it should be talked about, but it probably reflects other issues, rather than the realistic worry about living without your T.