[seattleskies88]

This past week, I've been wrestling with the idea of sharing my journal with my T so he can better understand the things I'm thinking and going through. We've been struggling lately with depth... it's VERY difficult for me to open up in front of him.
I decided today that I am going to just hand over my journal and let it all loose. I'm really quite nervous about this, because my journal contains some of the most deep and personal thoughts I have.
I am afraid that the things he'll read will concern him enough to call 911, which would be terrible, considering that my place of employment happens to be the Emergency Department.
But I have to do this. I just know I do. I have to get through this.

[SummerTime12]

Good luck, and you are very brave for doing that. I hope it all goes well for you!

[Anne2.0]

In my first year or so of therapy, I gave my T my journal each week. It was usually between 10 and 20 single spaced type written pages. I stopped because I wanted to see if it would be easier to talk about some things if I didn't write them down. It was. But I did like knowing that he had read my journal and occasionally he referenced something in it.

I don't think he would call 911 on you after reading your journal. Well, unless you clearly describe a diabolical plot to kill your loved one in there with 2 pages of "I'm really going to do it" in large caps. You're no more a danger to yourself after he reads your journal than you were sitting in his office, and if he didn't have a reason to call then, he doesn't now.

I guess from my experience, I would say be prepared that he may want to raise issues from your journal in session, but he also may NOT. My T is very non-directive and many are the same, in that they believe that an important part of therapy is that clients raise the issues they want to discuss.

[seattleskies88]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

In my first year or so of therapy, I gave my T my journal each week. It was usually between 10 and 20 single spaced type written pages. I stopped because I wanted to see if it would be easier to talk about some things if I didn't write them down. It was. But I did like knowing that he had read my journal and occasionally he referenced something in it.

I guess from my experience, I would say be prepared that he may want to raise issues from your journal in session, but he also may NOT. My T is very non-directive and many are the same, in that they believe that an important part of therapy is that clients raise the issues they want to discuss.

What sorts of things did you keep in your journal? For me, it's easier to write. It helps me sort my thoughts and compose myself when I feel like I'm spiraling down. If I don't write, I can't talk about anything at all.

My T is very directive. Especially if I have nothing to talk about myself. I think I'm okay with him bringing stuff up from my journal. I was actually thinking of letting him keep the typed copy I made so he can reread it if he wants.

The thing I was worried about sharing with him is that lately, I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts (no plan or intention, just thoughts). This is something new-- it wasn't there in the beginning of therapy so it feels like I'm backsliding. That's why I'm worried my T will want to take some action.

[HealingTimes]

Hey seattleskies- i did exactly the same thing a few months ago, and i really have never regretted it.
I found it so hard to verbalise thoughts and feelings in a session, but would go home after a session and write about things at length.
So i bought it with me to a session and gave it to my T to take away and read.

I was TERRIFIED! Like you, i write all of my deepest darkest stuff in my journal, and it was full of all sorts of stuff (including things like "i hate my T, she makes me so angry") that i was worried about her seeing.

but i can honestly say that i feel she "gets me" a lot more now, and it has really benefited my therapy.

Good luck, and i hope it works out as well for you as it did for me

[Paige008]

I just recently turned my journals over to my therapist. Like you, I write all of the things I can't say in there. I use quotes and poems or song lyrics from other people and I write poems myself. They say more than I could ever say in person.

I am absolutely terrified that she has them. There are so much a part of me and it is incredibly scary to give that up to someone else.

I think my T realizes this though, so she has decided not to read them, but to bring them to each session. Then, I go through them and pick out a poem or quote or something and that's what we discuss during that session. She didn't want me to feel like I had given up myself to her and to still maintain some control. Maybe this is something that you and your T could discuss doing?

I know that sharing my journals will do nothing but help me and act as a voice when I don't have one. I trust that my T and I can work through the issues that are in there and I trust that she will not judge me for what is written. I do worry that she will still, but I am trying not to because I understand how beneficial this could be. I also don't want to be carrying around my secrets forever. They are weighing me down and pulling me under. To be rid of them is to take their power away and I hope that in some way I'm doing that.

It is unbelievably scary to share such a big part of yourself, such a secret, hidden, part. I do truly think that it will be very much so worth it in the end though.

I hope we BOTH are able to be helped by this disclosure.

[catsrhelm]

Back when I had better access to a therapist, I shared stuff out of my journal, and she never once judged me. Also therapists are supposed to keep stuff confidential unless it involves hurting yourself or others.

[seattleskies88]

I just wanted to update on what happened today, in case anyone is interested.

I very reluctantly shared with my T some entries from my journal from this past week. It went SO WELL and I felt so loved and cared for by his response that I'm actually planning on handing him my whole journal in it's entirety so he can look over it for the next few days.

I am just in awe with how well this session went. I can't believe I was able to do such a thing, able to act so bravely. And it has paid off! I am so happy right now. I just want to encourage the rest of you guys to let your T's IN and let them know down to the core what's going on, because nothing is more exhilarating and freeing! And this is coming from someone who has some deep dark issues. If I can do it, so can you!

[HealingTimes]

Oh i am SO happy for you right now, seattleskies! Thats so awesome!
Well done for being so brave, i know how scary it can be. It sounds like your T is wonderful

[sittingatwatersedge]

happy for your good news!!

Originally Posted by seattleskies88

I just want to encourage the rest of you guys to let your T's IN and let them know down to the core what's going on, because nothing is more exhilarating and freeing!

thank you for this, I needed to hear it because I am feeling like pulling away, and it never pays........

[Paige008]

That's great news!

It's very encouraging for the rest of us too! Thank you for the update!

[seattleskies88]

One more update-- and this time, it's kind of a bummer.

I e-mailed my T and told him I'd like to share my journal in it's entirety because the first round of sharing a few entries went really well. I told him that I'm finding this longing within myself to share with him my whole self-- not just fragments.
He took forever to e-mail me back. And all he said was, "Let's talk about that at our next session. Maybe you should review it and see what the common themes are and we can talk about those."

I felt devastated. I felt like I had just offered him the best of me and he turned me down. It made me feel like I really am too much... I was reminded of how, when I was young, my own father would never come to see me play softball or perform in a school musical. I felt like my father didn't care about me and that I was asking too much of him to come see me. He didn't have time for me or energy for me or even concern. He wasn't proud of me... only inconvenienced.
And now I feel like my T is the exact same way. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening, guys.

[HealingTimes]

I am so sorry to hear that you didn't get the response that you were hoping for. I really think it would be beneficial for you to go and tell him exactly what you have typed here, the feelings of being "too much" (oh i can relate to that one soooo much) for him.
I can't imagine that he would intentionally try and make you feel that way, so i really think you should discuss it with him.

Sending you hugs (if thats OK with you), and strength.