Building trust and opening up

I don't know why I find trusting and opening up to T so hard. She is doing everything in her power to show me she is trustworthy but I still struggle with it. And every time I try to get closer to her I suddenly panic that I have done the wrong thing and try to retreat.

For example: yesterday she sent me an email, unsolicited. It was basically just her saying that she was proud of me for opening up about certain things that had been hard for me to talk about. I was really happy that she had sent me the email and that she thought of me out of session, so I sent back a very heartfelt reply today.

Now I'm freaking out. WHYYYY did I send that email? Why didn't I write something with less of myself in it, less heartfelt? I feel like I've exposed too much of myself, and given too much. Now I'm worried that she will think I am really needy and pathetic. (Of course I am using my brilliant mind reading skills here )

I'm now trying to work out whether sending that reply in itself was me saying that I trust her on an unconscious level and that maybe in that case it was the right thing to do. Argh. I want to open up so badly but I am so scared of doing so but I don't fully understand why. I'm going to keep telling myself I did the right thing because if I did the wrong thing there is no way I can undo it...

Don't mind me thinking out loud ... always happy to hear your comments/ideas!

PS can I also note that I am trying not to let all this detract from the fact that the email she sent was SO NICE. It made me feel cared for. So I don't know why I am ruining that feeling by getting all panicky about this. Argh! My stupid brain!

Mine sent me an unsolicited email once. I got angry, deleted it and didn't respond. Totally opposite reaction... one which did me no good either.

I understand the torment.

*hugs southpole*

I know EXACTLY what you mean. It's so hard when we start opening up to someone (especially if we have problems with trust and openness in general) and then we get caught in this weird loop of "I want to tell them everything!!" and "Oh my gosh, I said too much!! I can never talk to them again!!"

I think it's nice that she sent you a really positive, unsolicited email. I know when my T has done it (only a few times) it has really made me feel good. Sometimes it is just nice to know someone is thinking about us

I know this sounds like a cliche answer, but I don't think there *is* a right or wrong thing in this scenario. I think you did what you felt the need/desire to do at the time, and that is what is important. I have done exactly the same thing, where I send a very open and honest email to my T, and then freak out the next day! The best thing I have found to do is to tell my T when I see her next that I got really nervous after sending the email, and talk to her about it. Usually she just reassures me that she was glad I sent it and that it is really helpful to her when I can be open and honest, and that tends to calm my anxiety. Do you think you can bring it up to your T when you see her next?

I think it's a really scary thing to start feeling comfortable enough to trust someone, and I think most therapists know that. I'm pretty sure they are very prepared for the "push and pull" that comes with that process. It seems like you are really aware of how that is happening within yourself, and I think that is really great. It might be good just to let your T know that you are noticing this pattern, even if you don't mention the email example specifically. This is part of the therapy process, and it is hard and confusing and kinda scary, but you are not alone in it!

An unsolicited email about me would irritate me. I would feel checked up on and trapped. One time the woman suggested she call me once a day to ask about something. It was horrible just in theory and I told her that it would be awful for her to do such a thing. Even recounting it here makes me feel somewhat panicky. She has sent emails about appointments that did not bother me.

It sounds to me like this is all an important part of the work you're doing with your T as you're touching on things you need to work on. It's just not possible to instantly trust someone, anyway, in my opinion.

Trust is not an all-or-nothing thing, like opening a clam It has an ebb and flo like other feelings, is much more complicated than just trusting or not trusting; depends on the person, your past history, your past history with that person, that person's past history (their response is based on their info, not necessarily anything you say or do), etc.

I think you did well in the moment, feeling good about your T, responding "in kind". I think your angst now is more about it having been an e-mail so you can't see or be sure of the feelings, they're only words on a screen and your own heart and head are getting in there and going overtime and you can't check to see if you read your T "right", if she was just being "friendly" or gauge her commitment at the moment so you could better see how you might want to respond. In other words, you are lacking some information because of the media AND you are alone so able to throw in a lot more of your own head stuff, wholly made up because you can't affirm/deny it with her (so you start making assumptions about how she thinks/feels and she is not there to "check" you).

Relationships/trust takes two people working together, in person. If you are afraid of heights, that you trust a person "with your life" does not mean you are going to go skydiving with impunity, does it

It's like you've been listening in on some of my most recent sessions.

I'm going to steal a page from my T's playbook and ask you: what do you think will happen? Play it out. What bad things will happen if you give up too much? It doesn't have to make sense.

And then, what in your past makes you think that will happen? Where are those ideas coming from?

For me, at least part of the answer is, I'm always afraid to tell someone too much about myself because I'm afraid that if they really knew me, they wouldn't like me. I imagine this particular thing has a lot to do with the disparity between how other adults, like relatives and teachers and friends' parents, seemed to see me as a kid, and how my mom seemed to see me. I was very popular with adults because I was polite, attentive, did my schoolwork, and didn't cause trouble. But to my mom, it felt like I was barely tolerable. The implication was always that my teachers wouldn't like me so much if they had had the horrible misfortune of being my parent (I don't remember my mom actually saying this, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did).

So I definitely get the push-and-pull... on one hand, I SO want for someone to really know me AND to really like me. But I'm so afraid that they won't that the risk seems unbearable.

Baby steps, southpole. This is a baby step in the right direction... when you survive incidents like this one (and possibly even benefit from them ), you'll start to grow more confident in your relationship with your T.

I understand your turmoil too. I think that your first impulse, to send a heartfelt reply, was a good one. It seems okay to trust your instinct that your T is at least trustworthy enough to know that she means something to you. (I know that's not necessarily a small thing.)

Thank you. it helps to know I am not alone. yup I feel very aware of the whole trust thing now (or lack of) and it's quite interesting to realize that maybe this is something of note, I mean something I should bring up in session,

heh ok yes, it's true. It's not trust, all or nothing! I'm kinda closer to one or the other depending on the day. Am taking this whole email thing as one step closer, argh!

I hope so!!!!

You guys are great. I've been worrying all day but I've come home to read this and it's helped. Of course she hasn't answered yet (she's not in the office til Friday, argh) but reading these responses is making me calm down somewhat. I've actually been thinking through this today and as much as part of me is like "what the f*** did you do?" the other part is kind of thankful. Like maybe what I could say in email is what I couldn't say or express in person. I'm still kind of anxious to see her though. Because she hasn't responded I'm in auto-reject mode (ie, she doesn't respond, so I don't care (((I do!!))). I'd like to talk to her about this. Ugh. I've been talking to her about SO MUCH difficult stuff at the moment that it feels like my brain will explode, as will my sense of pride. What the hell, maybe I should just go with it and talk more. I don't know. Maybe not yet. We'll see what the response is, if I get one ...

Ok, so she replied, PHEW! It was brief but nice. She basically said that she was glad that she could help me and would look forward to seeing me next session. I don't know what response I was looking for, esp because in my head the whole thing has become so monumental that I feel like she has heard all my weird panicked thoughts about it. So I guess I was kind of expecting her to say, "I'm so glad you revealed all this stuff" or something, but I know she is not caught up in my internal struggle of "should I have revealed all that stuff???"

I am going to try to talk to T about this next Tuesday when I see her next. Sigh ... so much talking about the relationship at the moment. I feel like I'm being a bit weird talking about her (well, my responses to her) all the time. Kinda going through a difficult patch in terms of struggling with the T relationship/transference yadda yadda. Should probably just accept that and keep working through it.

Can see some obvious parallels with RL at the moment though - I realized I so rarely talk to people about things that are bothering me and when I do, I feel soooo guilty and ashamed. I want to take those things back. So it makes sense that it is playing out in T.