[SilverGlitter]

****trigger warning, talking of sui*****

So, I had a T that I saw for two and a half years. She had to leave really suddenly about a month and a half ago. She'll be back in a few months and will let me know when. I've always had thoughts of sui and have periods of SH but not at the moment, but she did a good job of keeping it all contained. She passed me on to a new T while she's away, but I inherently don't trust people and I can't talk to her about any of this yet.

My old T did a really good job of ensuring that I wouldn't be able to do anything to end my life, at least for the next few months until she's back again.
Unfortunately, my thoughts are very constant now - they're there pretty much all day everyday. And at the moment, I can keep myself safe and probably could continue to, but I'm so tired and having trouble keeping up my sole responsibility to keep myself safe.
I really feel like I just need to get away for a few days, hand over the responsibility to someone else to keep me safe. Where I won't have to continue to fight the possible attempts that I could take because that option is taken from me?

Would a hospital admit you for this? That I want to not be alive anymore, but am not necessarily planning on acting on it, even though I have methods in mind. That I'm just struggling the maintain the responsibility to be safe by myself and want someone else to take over for a few days? The only thing stopping me from trying to end of my life is that my old T managed to work her way in to it, and almost guilt tripped me in to staying safe because she knew it would work. So if I'm not actually going to kill myself, but am having trouble keeping up the responsibility by myself to stay safe, could you be admitted?

And if anyone has had any experiences in hospitals, please share them if you're able to - what happens, whether it actually helps? Any sort of feedback would be helpful, thank you

[tigerlily84]

I don't see why they wouldn't admit you. As I have not been inpatient before I could not tell you. You say that you have methods in mind. Tell them that. Tell them how desperate you are feeling. How you feel can change from one moment to the next. So perhaps you felt more stable when she left but right now you don't. It's better to be proactive.

I am sorry my post is not more helpful. Hopefully someone here will be able to give you a definitive answer. Lots of hugs to you.. and do whatever you need to in order to stay safe. I don't think your T will think any less of you for doing just that.

[benzenering]

I think that it differs, state to state.

Here in NC, you can be hospitalized by having suicidal thoughts. You can be involuntarily committed to the hospital for making plans or attempting suicide. But a voluntary commitment, in which you can leave the hospital when you are good and ready, only requires that you have serious thoughts.

I was in the hospital in 2010, for actually trying to commit suicide, and everyone else there had been driven there by a loved one for having the thoughts themselves, not actually acting on them. Suicidal thoughts can be debilitating of themselves, and very exhausting. By the way, once I was on lithium for awhile the thoughts vanished.

Hope this helps, hugs!

[Willowleaf]

I would have thought that was possible and very sensible. It is exhausting having thoughts like that and spending all your time concentrating on keeping safe. I hope you manage to get what you need. I know how hard it is to live with it constantly in your head regardless of whether you have plans or not and my heart goes out to you.

[SilverGlitter]

Thank you for your responses, they were very helpful

Thanks tigerliky - you're right. I don't feel very stable right now and I probably need to mention what you said. But I didn't think anyone would believe me because I seem so happy on the outside, which is a very exhausting charade itself to keep up.

Thanks Benzenering, that was very helpful to read I'm actually in a different country, but one that's similar to the US so it may be the same here too. I always though you had to be trying to actually commit it to be admitted to hospital, not that they would accept people who just had serious thoughts. So thank you for your feedback! Is it okay if I ask what it's like in hospital? What your day looks like, what happens? The idea of this scares me to pieces and I really want to know what exactly happens...

And willowleaf, thank you that's exactly the reason I'm considering it, because it's just too hard to maintain this all the time. Everywhere I turn, there's a possible way to attempt it and it's so hard resisting the urge all the time.

I know that I'm not a very important person on these boards, and I struggle to post so I don't deserve many responses, but if anyone has had experience about what it's like for a few days in hospital - do they give you meds (although I'm already on a million different ones), do you have to talk to a T - the thing stopping me is that I don't know what it's actually like in hospital or if it helps at all...

SilverGlitter,

I don't think that anyone is any more important here than anyone else or that not posting often means you deserve less responses than anyone else, so for starters, wipe those thoughts away

From what you've written, I feel that you really need to be in hospital for your own safety and mental health.

I think that hospital experiences differ depending on where you live and then which specific hospital you're admitted to. I spent several months in a private psychiatric hospital and found the experience to be very positive.

Yes - my meds were increased, but there was a lot of help available also. We had 3 group therapy sessions/day and could choose from several sessions for each one. We saw our Pdoc 6 days/week, a T several times a week and a nurse would be allocated to several of us at a time for each of their shifts. There was plenty of food to choose from at breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and supper times. The category that you were given determined how much freedom you had to leave the hospital to go to the shop, for a walk etc. Naturally, patients at high risk of harm to themselves weren't allowed to leave the hospital.

Please take care and get help now.

Bluey

[karebear1]

Are you working with a Pdoc Silverglitter? If so, please tell him about your thoughts- you may need your meds tweaked.

[Willowleaf]

You are as important as anyone else on here. Just keep posting if you want help. You can do this

[southpole]

I was in a similar place to you when I went inpatient. To be honest as much as it was full on realizing I had to "commit" myself, it was a really good decision and ultimately pulled me through a terrible time. Life in a private psych ward ain't that bad either.

Hope you are doing ok and whatever you decide to do, that you have support. Don't be afraid of admitting you need help. And keep posting here, talking to the PC peeps always helps

[sugahorse1]

Yes, I've been inpatient for this. It allows you to breathe and get some energy back

[SilverGlitter]

Thank you all for responding.

Bluey, thank you I was very relieved to read your post. One of the reasons that I'm very hesitant to do this (besides the fact that I'm not even entirely sure how to go about it) is that everywhere you look on the internet, everyone has bad stories of being inpatient. Being restrained, not paid attention to, losing all freedom and dignity etc. And I think that would make me worse. So it's a relief to read about your experiences and to know that there are actually good places out there!

Karebear, I am working with a pdoc - the problem is, is that I inherently don't trust males and so I have huge problems opening up to him. And even if I could manage to tell him about these thoughts, he's been tweaking my meds so much already and nothing has helped. Last week, he actually suggested I try four sessions of psychotherapy with him and I freaked out when I got home. I just do not want to talk to him about anything going on inside my head. (It also felt like he was implying my T hadn't done a good enough job but that's another story) So there's a slight problem there, in that I can't actually open up to him. And no medications seem to help me yet either....

Southpole and sugahorse, I'm really glad that it helped you two as well. I really didn't think that it would help me while I'm in a mindframe like this, so I'm glad to hear that it can.
And thank you southpole

Thank you again for all your feedback - I have no clue what I'm going to do right now or what the right thing to do is, I'm in a bit of a daze and it all feels surreal that I'm considering this, but all of your responses have made me realise that it might help me....

[ThisWayOut]

I know I'm coming on this a bit late, but I just wanted to say I have checked myself in for that before. I went to the emergency room and told them how I was feeling unsafe, that I did not think I would necessarily do anything, but I did not feel 100% sure on my energy to be able to keep up the resolve. They admitted me for a few days.
Being admitted voluntarily vs. involuntarily is very different, especially in how you are treated once there. Involuntarily, you tend to have more eyes on you and less freedoms. With a voluntary admission (depending on the hospital), you get more "chat" time with staff that actually take you as a rational person that can have an intelligent conversation... Also, state hospitals in the US tend to be less helpful than private places. They tend to be more over-crowded and the staff tend to be more burnt out. In my experience, private places also tend to have more helpful groups and are less geared towards seriously debilitated patients. Most of the hospitals I went to had pretty poor scheduling (both private and state-run) in terms of groups, but I was told that it was a result of insurance standards changing. I did however go to 2 private hospitals that had the same insurance regulations and they managed to have quality, helpful groups and therpeutic contacts. All my hospitalizations involved daily contact with nursing staff, pdocs, and support staff, though clinicians were only available m-f (very frustrating when you are only admitted over a weekend).
I recently thought about admitting myself again for just being overwhelmed and tired of fighting the thoughts of harming myself... I did not end up doing it, but may still if things get bad again. I think it can be helpful at times to take a break and re-charge in a way... Good luck!

[redbandit]

Originally Posted by SilverGlitter

****trigger warning, talking of sui*****

So, I had a T that I saw for two and a half years. She had to leave really suddenly about a month and a half ago. She'll be back in a few months and will let me know when. I've always had thoughts of sui and have periods of SH but not at the moment, but she did a good job of keeping it all contained. She passed me on to a new T while she's away, but I inherently don't trust people and I can't talk to her about any of this yet.

My old T did a really good job of ensuring that I wouldn't be able to do anything to end my life, at least for the next few months until she's back again.
Unfortunately, my thoughts are very constant now - they're there pretty much all day everyday. And at the moment, I can keep myself safe and probably could continue to, but I'm so tired and having trouble keeping up my sole responsibility to keep myself safe.
I really feel like I just need to get away for a few days, hand over the responsibility to someone else to keep me safe. Where I won't have to continue to fight the possible attempts that I could take because that option is taken from me?

Would a hospital admit you for this? That I want to not be alive anymore, but am not necessarily planning on acting on it, even though I have methods in mind. That I'm just struggling the maintain the responsibility to be safe by myself and want someone else to take over for a few days? The only thing stopping me from trying to end of my life is that my old T managed to work her way in to it, and almost guilt tripped me in to staying safe because she knew it would work. So if I'm not actually going to kill myself, but am having trouble keeping up the responsibility by myself to stay safe, could you be admitted?

And if anyone has had any experiences in hospitals, please share them if you're able to - what happens, whether it actually helps? Any sort of feedback would be helpful, thank you

Yes, hospitals would admit u for this. Last summer I was admitted for similar reasons. I didnt feel I could keep myself.
Have u talked to the therapist ur seeing now for advice on this?
Hope ur feeling better soon

[SilverGlitter]

MdngtRain, thank you for responding to this you gave me a lot of good information to think about - like the fact that it would be better for me to do it voluntarily now rather than wait until it gets very severe and I'm admitted involuntarily. And the public vs private thing. Still all feels surreal that I'm considering this, but I'm glad for your post.

Thank you too rebandit I'm still so awfully anxious and panicked around this new T (tomorrow will only be the second time I see her by myself) and I really just cannot talk freely to her at the monent. The only person I could talk to about this is my old T, which is obviously not an option right now....I'm thinking of trying a counselling hotline tomorrow, to get a professional opinion since I'm too terrified to ask my new T...

[sugahorse1]

I sure hope you can talk to a professional soon. Trust yourself here. You are asking the question if you can be hospitalized - maybe that's a sign that the time is right