Self-sebotage in therapy

I think if you were to start a "ridiculous" journal you would find that you are "catching" yourself right away now instead of going through the drama for a couple weeks and emailing back and forth, etc.? We have to become aware we have a problem and THEN the work begins with catching ourselves and very slowing learning to do the, "Oh, that again" thing and, eventually, we just think "Oh" and move on right away. In a million years, we don't even get the blink of the thought the problem's gone/resolved.

It sounds like you were doing it right, trying to describe your emotion. You were feeling your emotions as you describe, yet it sounds like she had her own idea of what you should do. I am sorry that happened. Its hard enough feeling and trying to put it into words only to then be told you are doing it wrong. Ugh.

So the session went really well and I feel much better. My T said it's a tragedy not of my or his making that I'm currently doomed to keep having these experiences. He asked if I know where my impression of him as a good-enough therapist goes at these times. I said I don't know, I want to believe he's a good-enough therapist but sometimes I start thinking he's conned me and I can't trust him. He said I don't have a template for that because I haven't had a good-enough anything. My husband is more than good-enough, but that's new. My parents were... not.

I said I'm sorry I'm such a pain and I wouldn't blame him if he took the first opportunity to get rid of me. He said that upset him to hear. That I need to matter more to myself and I should expect to matter to him. And we both agreed that, right now, this drama basically is the therapy. That it's better to tell him how I feel and work through it. I told him it really upsets me because I know he's a good-enough therapist and then this fog descends and I can't see it any more. He said he knows that - that I need somebody to trust, but I don't know how to trust him. He was so lovely and I just cried and cried. Next time I'm really mad at him, I'll have to reread this thread...

Awwwww, Tiny Rabbit. I am so glad your session went so well. I understand myself how hard it is to hold the good therapist in mind. It sounds like your therapy is going so well, and that you are making so much progress, even if it doesn't seem that way. I love the way your therapist interacts with you.

Thank you for your post. I love the way he interacts with me as well. I'm going to keep trying to hold onto the image of the good-enough therapist, I've written a note in my journal saying: "Dear self, you do have a good therapist, it's not a con, and he probably isn't angry with you!"

My T said it was very difficult to keep a straight face when I was pulling my cat-ears hat down over my face! I don't know why he sticks with me but I'm glad he does.

I always have drama it feels in therapy so you are not the only one! Sometimes I wonder if it is reality or purely just in my head because I feel like the only one of us having a meltdown over it all! I understand this confusion of wondering where the 'good enough' therapist has gone and simply forgetting everything and getting really angry about that. It is a good idea to work through it if that feel right for you but it is very tough to have problems with the one person you talk about your problems too! It is a cruel irony! I'm glad you were able to go back to your therapist and figure this out, or at least you are both on the path to figuring it out!

I've been doing something like this the last couple weeks. I don't know why either. It's weird but all of a sudden I feel this need to keep seeking reassurance from t that I am not being a pain in the butt. I've heard myself say it over and over "I'm sorry I bothered you by asking for this extra appt" or "I'm sorry to be a pain" or stuff like that and noticing that it doesn't matter how much I say it she always reassures me that I'm not bothering her. Why I suddenly need all this reassurance I don't understand!!

I've caused my share of drama in t, stomping around and throwing things etc. Don't feel alone there either!