T Apologized

So about 3 weeks ago I posted here how my T blind sided me with my "attachment issues" well I went back to T and she did something I thought showed her character as a person....she apologized to me. She realized that she was out of character and explained to me what was going on when she went off on me. I told her how angry I was and that I didn't trust her anymore,that I felt like she abandoned me and realized that I was projecting my feelings about something else onto her as well.

I've only been back that one time and I'm hesitant to go anymore,she wants us to work through it and her apology seemed sincere. I forgive her but I'm going out on a limb trusting again. I have serious trust issues,I'm scared it'll happen again.

So I guess I was wondering if I'll ever be able to trust her again?Should I even consider it?or let it go?Has anyone been through this or similar? What did you do?

Any feedback is welcomed

People screw up sometimes. All of them. Even ones you trust. If your t has helped you in the past, and this was just a one time thing, then give her a second chance. If it's a constant cycle of her screwing up and then asking for forgiveness I would move on though.

R2MN... this can be, if you make it so, an opportunity to work through the trust issues you say you have (not doubting you, just pointing out that you already know you have them)

You were hurt by T whom you trusted; T has understood and has apologized, and that is much. It would be so much harder to forgive and go on, when there is no understanding, no apology, only your need for the work.

I hope you can give it a try.

At some point in life you have to learn to forgive and to trust or it is a very lonely existence. People just won't be perfect for you, no matter how much you demand that of them. People are just fallable. If you make a mistake, do you hope or even perhaps expect to be forgiven and for your error to not be the end of a relationship? Try to remember to expect perfection of someone is setting yourself up for a great deal of disappointment. Trusting opens up opportunities for true relationship.

I suspect "it" will happen again. She may not "blindside" you again in the exact same way, but she will do something that upsets or angers you. You've already done the hard work of speaking up about it, and you got a really positive result. But just like everyone else, T's will occasionally (or often, if you have the experience of some posters here) get "it" wrong in some way. But you know that you can speak up and you know that you can generally survive the whole thing, and the positive benefit of this process is that when it happens in real life, you'll have stronger and better interpersonal skills that will improve your relationships with other people.

I'm really good about speaking up about what bothers me (in most ways), but I tend to do it in ways that are over the top, and so I'm working on being more gentle in my confrontation. Working through this kinds of upsets in therapy has been perfect for that, and I notice that my communication around disagreements is so much better than it used to be.

I think it is a good sign the therapist apologized, but it does not mean it won't happen again. If you basically don't mind working with this one, could you go back and deal with her but be more circumspect in the area where she is deficient? Certainly one would not, in my opinion, be as immediately trusting after such a thing even with an apology. Perhaps at this point, trust only as much as you are willing to lose and see where it goes from there.

People will screw up. They will let you down. They will make mistakes. Better to stick with someone who seems sincere and is willing to fix it - that's when some of the best work gets done.

You won't find a T who won't ever break your trust, not while Captain Transference is out there. But one who is willing to repair your trust? That's worth hanging onto!

This made me giggle 'captain transference' so true, so true!

I really like Captain Transference too, although I haven't met him.

Captain Transference is a mischievous meddler!

I've been going through something similar with my T. He did something that he thought would help me, and it ended up being very painful. I was hurt and angry.

I think people important to us are always going to make mistakes that will be painful; it's inevitable with humans. What matters most, maybe, is how a person handles it. I know my T is going to express regret about hurting me when I next see him, and we're going to discuss what he can do differently in the future. I think it can be very powerful to experience not just hurt and anger with our Ts, but also the rebuilding of trust--it's new to me.

Thank You everyone for the feedback!!
I'm the type of person,once you hurt me,thats it!! I will forgive you but will never put myself in a position like that again,so I remove you from my life. (I know a bit extreme)

My trust issues are serious and it takes awhile for me to regain trust with the people I do keep in my life.

I know that people aren't perfect and I kind of have this "I need to be perfect" I can't mess up thing going on inside of me constantly.

My T sincerely apologized,even after,when she realized I was hesitant to talk to her,she promised that she would behave and that I caught her on a bad day.

So why am I still so skeptical?Am I looking for a reason not to go back? Can this be fixed?

I'm trying to create distance between us and now I feel like I'm back at square one with trust in therapy. Its like my guard is back up and the walls are concreted and sealed

I know that people aren't perfect and I kind of have this "I need to be perfect" I can't mess up thing going on inside of me constantly.

Perhaps you are projecting this need onto your T? If so, it would undermine any attempt to build trust again.

Often needing to be perfect is a response/defense to feeling out of control. It gives the illusion of control and may make us feel safer. But applying that standard to other people eventually pushes them away. I think you're right that you are creating distance in order to feel control. But control of what? What do you gain if you isolate yourself?

If you really want to work on trust issues, the way to do it is under the safe pressure of diminished trust. Perhaps it would be worth going through the motions of rebuilding trust to see where the fear arises.

It's great that you have this insight into yourself and your feelings, and it's understandable that you feel this way.

But this is a behavior that you can change, if you want to. You can consciously and intentionally make whatever size step you can towards lowering your defenses and taking down your walls.

Wow you're right!! T has already told me that I shouldn't expect so much from her,that I shouldn't put her on a pedestal because my expectations of myself are impossible to fulfill.

Yesss I constantly feel out of control,the fact that I have an ED would be that reason I guess.idk. I feel like if I distance myself then I nobody can hurt me and that somehow I won't damage anyone with the way I am.....if that makes sense?

Hmmm this sounds very logical,that I should try to work through these issues,instead of constantly running...is that it?



Thank Youu,I just don't know where to start because I'm such an extremist,it's like an all or nothing thing for me!!! and then I get frustrated and angry or throw a temper tantrum when I feel some sort of engulfment

Getting an apology from a T is BIG. If you have one that will own up to their mistakes, they're a keeper, in my book. Do look at this as an opportunity to work through some trust issues. It's OK to be wary, but don't quit. Work through it.

"I feel like if I distance myself then I nobody can hurt me and that somehow I won't damage anyone with the way I am.....if that makes sense? "

Couldn't help but notice: the combination of "nobody can hurt me" and "I can hurt me."
Freudian slip? Seems telling to me. EDs are all about control and perfection as a defense against fears from what I've read.

I think it was big of your T to apologize but personally, I don't know why it should be such a big deal for them to own up to their mistakes. Mine has made mistakes which we both "let go" without any apologies. If my T apologized (sincerely) then it would have meant he saw me as someone worthy of holding onto. It would have shown me that he had respect for me as a human being and respect for our relationship. I think T's should be setting the example for all of us to own what we do and say (at least while their in the T chair). We need to feel comfortable in apologizing and forgiving and perhaps moving on to trust again in the relationship. I do think forgiveness and rebuilding trust is dependent on how eggregious the offense was. This is also part of any relationship where we need to be responsible for what we do. I'm not good with forgiveness myself, wonder why?

I've had the same experience with a therapist blindsiding me. I recently talked to him about it but he tried denying it. When I confronted him about it he got very defensive and acused me of trying to avoid responsibility rather than admitting that he had made a mistake. Eventually he got around to offering a half hearted apology but immediately followed that up by denying it again. I finally stopped going because I didn't trust him anymore.

Agree... but ... this is SO. HARD.

Thanks for all the post,my T and I have agreed that some time away may be helpful for me. I thought that I was the type of person to forgive easily but I guess I don't. Even though I say I forgive her,I still think about how she hurt me and not wanting that to happen again.

I feel like she gets frustrated with me and I told her,feels like we're back at square 1 with trust seeing as how it took me a few months to really open up. Its almost like I'm locked away in a castle and she can't get in,nobody can.

I feel like if you've done something wrong to someone,hurt someone,you should apologize (respect). My trust issues are severe and I'm not sure how to move forward with her. I've decided to take a month off for now,I'm not sure how to start on rebuilding this trust

Any suggestions?

Well, as she's apologized, I don't think there's any more she can do. This may be a case where it's necessary for you to rebuild in small steps by engaging with her--not by staying away. I don't think isolating and waiting for feelings to change without confirming actions is very effective.

I realize that and I feel like the "relationship" or whatever it is we have is worth saving,at least I want to try and fix it. But maybe I'm still a bit hurt by it,by her and I know there is nothing left to be done...maybe time?

Engaging with her in what ways?
Hmmmm what do you suggest?

It is great that your T apologized. However, I still hear your doubt, and I think that you should trust your instinct. I think what your T said indicates how she really feels, even though she may not want to feel that way. When she told you that you should be mindful of others, that others have issues too, I am guessing she was talking about herself? ??

I am coming from a place of experience, and I didn't leave, and I regret it. I took a vacation and when I got back, things got worse. My T was trained in CBT and his gut reaction to my dependency, in my experience, wasn't acceptance, and sometimes it was outright rejection. He felt the same way about my neediness that I did, we both hated/hate it. I don't endorse breaking boundaries, and I don't know where I did if I did even with xT. But xT was unable to deal with that part of me, and he defensively set up his boundaries, hence my issues with them. My current T has boundaries and I haven't crossed them, I have questioned them and talked to him about them, and some he has held, and with others he is more flexible. It is so much easier when you have a therapist who accepts you for who you are. Boundaries are so much easier to deal with this way, even though some are still painful. I wish you the best whatever you choose.

I just think that if you withdraw, that leaves you alone with your hurt feelings. In that isolation, the feelings may very well grow because there's no imput that would diminish them. I don't think you need to do anything special, just continue in session. You may want to address less difficult issues for a bit and see how it feels. I guess I don't believe we regain trust without the repetitive experiences of trust in small ways over time--but that requires engagement as well as time.