Is my Therapist trying to fire me? Please Read!

I have been seeing this therapist for almost a year now. I noticed when I first saw him, he was very complimentary of me, saying stuff like "I look forward to our appointments" or "Your very interesting" "I like your hair, it looks nice" basically just always looking to compliment me, that was at first. He did help me through my depression, offering advice, support, and a different perspective. It did help a lot.

Let me say too, that I am a 19 yr old, female, and I have extreme, crude humor. Also my therapist is 37. I felt like my therapist was a friend, so I would tell him jokes or tell him stuff that I did, and he would always hysterically laugh, and he would even say to me "I swear, you are destined to be a comedian" He always said, I am funny, and that he gets along with me very well. So, when I started to show that, I noticed he started to talk to me like a friend, instead of the professional therapist talk, which I didn't care. I thought it was cool. He though would even say cruder things than me. Like, I was having a problem with a guy, and this girl was jealous, and she was accusing me of dating this guy, when I didn't, and my therapist said, "Just tell her, he has the hugest D i c k in the world, and that she can't have it" Which was hilarious to me, but in the same breath, it was kinda unprofessional.

But, then I noticed he was getting me in my appointments late, instead of on time. He started to arrive late to our appointments, and he would still push me out at 50 minutes, even though HE was late. I also noticed every problem I talked about, he would say "You have to change" He really wouldn't give advice, or help me on the issues I was having. It was really frustrating. Also, I noticed he would get kinda disgusted, or snappy with me. There were times though he would get kinda pervy with me, in a sense that he (when I wasn't looking) would look at me up and down, or he would look at my chest.

When I talked about guys, he would always get kinda weird about it, and say "You'll get over this crush, don't worry" And that sort of thing, again, not really helping.

Ok, just recently, I went to him, and I have been seeing him 2 times a week these past 4 months. He was really getting on me about going to college, which I know I have to do. I do want to go to college, but he doesn't understand that even if I am in college I still won't be happy cause I have major low self esteem, and I will feel worthless around smart, educated college students. He thinks college is the solver to all of my problems, but I keep on telling him it's ME that's the problem, cause no matter where I go, I, ME will find a problem, cause of my horrible self esteem issues.

He told me that I have to work on my self esteem issues, which I said to myself ok, why am I going to you? If I have to work on my self esteem issues? So, to me it seems like he doesn't want to help me.
He is acting so weird. He seems to be disinterested in me, and seems to be late all the time, and he doesn't compliment me anymore, he seems just kinda not the guy that I was first seeing. However, he still keeps a good demeanor, like he is not mean to me, but I can tell he is disinterested in me or something.

Anyways, He said to me this recent session, that I have to go to college, and I have to change, because if I don't change I will have a life I don't want. Ok...understandable, but, Like I said, I know I have to change, but I want to work on my self esteem issues cause even if I change, I will still find a problem, cause I hate myself, and I think I am worthless, but he doesn't seem to get it. Then he said, "I have to do something Monday, can we do next Thursday at 2?"

Ok, sorry you have to read all of that, but I am confused, and don't know what to do, I think he is trying to make me quit him instead of him firing me. I think his method is "I will act different, and I will not help her, so she will just leave" I am so upset, cause I don't understand, I think he is trying to make me quit him, or maybe it's gonna lead up to him firing me. Please tell your thoughts! I am emotionally distraught, and don't understand this change, cause I really like him, and trusted him, but I think he's trying to get rid of me. Thanks for answering, I do appreciate it!

Only going from what you wrote it almost sounds like you have both been wasting a lot of time in the early stages of therapy and now he may be trying to rush you through the motions of a quick fix. Again, this is just based on what you wrote. Also, do you have a crush on this guy? Have you maybe been more interested in the attention from him than the therapy work? (No offense, just asking if this may feel more like a rejection on that level).

He is the one who is supposed to help you increase your self esteem. Just telling you to change is not going to help you. You seriously need to get a new therapist.

It sounds as if he has crossed some boundaries and has been unethical at times. Red flag. You will need to decide if you are wasting your time and if the relationship is bringing you pain when it ought to be healing. If his hot and cold behavior becomes a pattern, that is surely a path of pain.

Could you talk to him about this? I am not sure that this approach is even a good idea - good therapy doesn't, shouldn't, make one's mind spin about the intentions of the "therapist". Sometimes red flags are there for you to protect yourself. But if you continue to see him, this might be a necessary discussion. I have been there and understand the confusion and feeling distraught. I am so sorry.

You decide what you want to do with your life. You choose or not choose college - but know you are following your own inner voice. It would be helpful to have a good therapist to help with this. But I will say it is ok to try out things to help you learn more about yourself, to build upon positive things in your life/inside of you - whatever they may be.
Best wishes.

Thanks for answering! I do have a crush on him, I never spoke with him about it, but yes, I have been crushin on him for about 4 months now. I think your right on the whole rejection thing, and me just wanting more attention out of the therapy. I do have bad problems though, that need to be addressed, so I don't think the attention was the 100% reason why I was there, but I do think it's 50/50. I am emotionally distraught because I feel like I trusted this person, and trust+emotions are involved, and I feel abandoned, and I am always abandoned by people. So, I think I am more upset about it cause I put 100% trust in this person, and I feel like he's abandoning me, or just doesn't want anything to do with me. I am really depressed about it, and I don't know what to do. Please write back when you get the chance! Thanks!

Thank you so much! I am too embarrassed to bring this up to him. I guess I just have to leave him, but like I said it's the point that I am always abandoned by people, and I treat everyone with respect. It took me a couple of months for me to trust him, and I finally trusted him, and now he's wants to get rid of me. It's hard for me, but I guess I have to do what I gotta do. Thanks for your answer, and kind words! Best wishes to you as well!

I think most shrinks have a supervisor, right? His supervisor may have advised him to pull back from his overly casual stance with you, maybe he was even warned that he was dangerously close to crossing the line. He may be attracted to you and is frustrated by the professional limits. Sounds like HE has countertransference stuff to work on. If it doesn't get better you may want to find a more experienced counselor.

It sounds like he crossed boundaries as Jungatheart mentioned, but now he's trying to reestablish those boundaries and reform the professional relationship between the two of you.

I would definitely talk to him about the working relationship, the boundaries, and your feelings of confusion. See what he has to say, but keep open the possibility that you may need to find a new T.

"...but I keep on telling him it's ME that's the problem, cause no matter where I go, I, ME will find a problem, cause of my horrible self esteem issues."

I completely get this I actually said just about the same thing to my T today. I also understand the abandonment feelings as I have this problem and find that when I finally put my trust in someone, they seem to immediately leave or there is a breaking of the trust in some way....ugh. You know what I mean? I think it might help to ask your T why he has changed his approach. But if you think he has been inappropriate, then maybe it wouldn't hurt to seek a second opinion (?) I don't know what would help for sure - but just know that I can relate

He has his own business. He doesn't have anyone supervising him, so I guess he is free to do what he wants. it's funny that you said that cause my friend said the exact same thing, that he might be the one having "counter transference" She was saying that maybe that's reason why he is pushing me to go to college, because then he'll think I will have little time to see him, and then that might let him heal. I don't know what is going on, but thank you so much!

The college thing kept striking me this way--he wants you to be his equal and a higher education makes you more like him, a more attractive partner? Just my gut reaction.

I thought that in the US all therapists have to have a senior therapist to consult with, that includes individual practitioners. I'll ask my T if he has to check in w/anyone. I do know that HE sees many junior therapists for consulting, even full on therapy.

Supervision isn't mandatory in the US I don't think.

I think you should fire this T. He sounds awful.

I'd terminate him too. Obviously there's some countertransference going on and though he's trying to deal with it, it doesn't sound like he's managing. The comment was too much and him checking you out? I'd be out of there in a second. So not how a T should act...
Here a T must be supervised for 10 yrs. to become a certified T and then it's up to him whether he pays for a supervisor or not. Needless to say most Ts won't

What are you doing to work on your self esteem? He cannot make you feel better or think better of yourself, you have to do things that you want to do, that make you feel good about yourself.

He's thinking college will help with that, and it probably will, but you are not even registering and giving that a try though you say you know you "need" to. It sounds like you keep asking for Plan B because you are afraid to try Plan A but Plan B is no better (get a job/skill/experience doing something you would like to do).

You have to see your own worth, someone else telling you over and over that you are worthwhile is not going to cut it. Just telling yourself over and over is not going to do it either; no amount of therapy can give you self worth.

Do you pay for your therapy yourself? That should make you feel good about taking care of yourself. I had to buy braces for my teeth when I was 30 for myself and still (at 62) feel good about that.

If you start school, you cannot start already educated; everyone has to start at the beginning. Presumably you go to school because you want to learn a particular subject, get a certain job, or become more educated. Pay attention to what you want for yourself, not what everyone else is doing/being.

I did not read anything that made me think he was trying to get your to quit but if you are not trying anything for yourself, are not working on what you want to work on, what can he do? I would get a self esteem workbook or something and start working on it and take it to your next session to discuss, etc. I am sure it will have more "suggestions" of things to try and discussing them with your T, which ones could help you better than others, might engage you both more equally.

1. Whether supervision is required in the US depends on the type of license/license status/laws of the state/rules of the insurer. There's no one answer.

2. Getting a "crush" on a therapist and then feeling rejected by them is a really common transference issue in therapy. Ideally it would be good to work it through with the therapist. BUT - and it's a big but - you don't want to be exploring those issues with an incompetent therapist. It's hard to say for sure from what you've described, but it sounds like there are both boundary and competency issues with this guy.

3. I'm skeptical of the whole "but I gotta fix myself in therapy before i take on this challenge." Therapy doesn't work very well in a vacuum. It just works a whole lot better when you're pushing yourself and dealing with the issues/feelings that arise in therapy -with the therapist - as you push ahead. And you can't build your self-esteem without challenging yourself no matter how good a therapist you have.

But if going to college is too overwhelming, nothing's stopping you from challenging yourself in smaller ways - like taking an easy course at a community college first, and dealing with the issues that arise there in therapy. Or I'm sure you can think of other ways to challenge yourself.