******Possible trigger*******

If I was to bullet point my life It wouldn't seem real. I'll cut to one memory. This came up today because I mentioned to T something that bothers me. Like, on the news a boy has been arrested for throwing acid at a girls face.

Immediately I begin to fear it is going to happen to one of my daughters. I have to switch news off & try take my mind off it.

T asked me what I fear about it? I suddenly without thinking blurt out "she will tell me". T repeats this & says "tell you what?" I say "her distress, fear". I then stare off into space remembering one of my tormentors that locked me in an abandoned car laughing saying he was going to set it on fire.

T asked where I'd gone? I forced myself to speak telling her of the memory, but also how it was flashing from me being in the car to it being my daughter, and how its feels worse when I picture my daughter but easier when it comes back to me.

T said that I do not feel the impact of what that felt like happening to me, so it attaches itself to something happening to my daughter where I have no control.

I felt relived to have an understanding of why I'm always afraid of things I hear randomly happening to my daughter. I was scared I had unconscious rage toward her & I was a terrible mother dreading hearing her distress. But I understand how it all fits now. But also shocked that after all these yrs of therapy, I am still unable to reach some of the trauma.

[Perna]

What a great/freeing realization! I had something like that happen when I was in the hospital and realized that people I know/love/hear about being hurt/dying feels worse to me than it probably does to the person actually going through whatever; "watching" has all our own emotions in there, identifying like your flash and the identifying can be hard on us whereas living through actual pain, one is just in "pain" and not really feeling, emotionally, or unconscious/dying, etc. but we're still alive thinking about what life will be like without them or whatever.

Perna, yeah it's just like that.

[ultramar]

I'm glad you had this realization and such a good therapist to help you get there. In some ways I hope it's a relief that your sometimes feelings towards your daughter have not been quite what you thought, it sounds like thinking that must have been very painful.

As adults, I think past trauma can rear its ugly head in all kinds of surprising ways and it can be hard to make the connection -but a relief in some ways when we do.

[CantExplain]

((Mouse))