[CantExplain]

BBC News Story: BBC News - Is it ever right for a therapist to cry?

[Raging Quiet]

Thank you for sharing.

My T has never cried in my sessions that I can remember; but she does get very angry whereas I don't x

[tinyrabbit]

It would actually mean a lot to me if my T cried. I'm used to thinking I don't matter and nothing in my past is that bad or worth complaining about. So having my T react and validate me has been really profound.

Actually I have this fantasy where he does cry. It's never actually happened. He does look pretty upset sometimes though.

[Lamplighter]

It's horses for courses isn't it? Personally it's helped me when a T has teared up (as they're describing in the article) because that's validated my experience more than any amount of words.

But it would freak me out if a T openly cried (that's loss of control in my eyes and I'd lose all confidence in their ability to contain MY feelings and I'd start to feel like I had to look out for theirs.)

Equally I had a T who didn't openly weep but teared up all the time at just about everything I said and it really irked me, it was as if she teared up on cue, it being part of her technique, rather than spontaneously, and I just resented her for it.

[moonlitsky]

Thank you for sharing that news story CantExplain. It feels very unbalanced and negative somehow to me. If a therapist was to be crying for themselves, because they can't manage the pain, then that would be unhelpful. But to cry in an empathic way can be helpful. One of the most profound things my therapist ever does is to cry for me; to really allow her ability to cry to empathise with me. Yet she still remains strong and safe and I know I don't have to hold her up. She will often cry now - when my tears are being pushed away - or she will tell me she feels tearful.

As a therapist I am firstly a human being - and I am not afraid to show I am human - and that means I will tear up sometimes - in my experience it has allowed for an outpouring of the client's feelings. I think I would only do it if I intuitively knew it would help but it's not a conscious decision. It's about attunement and empathy.

Moon

[EllieBear]

My T has cried several times, and for me its been deeply healing. The first time I was a little taken back. I had not cried myself since I was very young as I was taught crying was a bad thing. When my T cried as I shared some of my feelings and experiences, it showed me that crying was an appropriate response to my trauma and allowed me to connect with my own sadness about the experiences. Her tears made it safe for me to show my tears. Since then we have cried together a few times. It is validating to feel like she understands and sees my pain. It's connecting. I would much rather have a T who shows real emotion than a one who keeps that all hidden. And, being able to witness her having an emotional reaction to something but still being able to take care of herself and not putting it on me to help her through it has translated into other relationships...I don't feel like I am responsible for other people's feelings as much anymore. I've learned that people can react emotionally and I don't have to take that on or fix it.

[Solepa]

I would have mixed feelings about it. On one hand I would be glad she cares enough and is involved but on the other hand I would feel very guilty about it. And next time I would feel I have to take care of her needs too and try not to make her sad. Which for sure would not do me good.
My T got upset two times already but she didn´cry. I could see when she control herself she has to stop looking at me and I can see she is pulling herself together for couple minutes.

My T has never cried. But has shown feeling. I find that more beneficial.

[Zora]

Interesting story.. My T hasn't cried but she has got angry or came close to crying.
Thanks for posting this.

x

[Sistah]

My T has teared up. She has said on a couple of occasions, "I'm going to cry." At first I thought to myself, "Oh brother." And then my feelings changed because she has told me how much she is fond of me and how she cares about me. I understand how she could feel so much for me that she would cry. I feel that it's okay.

My T has teared up, but not openly cried (that would be a bit much I think.) It was the session the day before my sister died. I was distraught with grief, knowing her death was imminent, and I realized T was wiping away tears.

[ECHOES]

I have had different reactions to my therapist tearing up, "glistening" as one person in the article called it. (I like that - she listens and glistens ). After the 1st time, which kind of alarmed me because I thought it was 'my fault', I began to see it as being truly present with me and that made me feel very good. I also like that another person in the article says that she couldn't do it intentionally, she wouldn't know how. That puts words to how I feel about it when my therapist listens & glistens - it's real and very present.

What are your thoughts about therapists crying (or, as most pointed out 'tearing up), CE?

[trdleblue]

Mine has teared up on a couple of occasions, and it is something that I try to ignore. If I focus on it I would start to feel bad for causing someone else to get upset.

[nessaea]

Almost all of my Ts have cried with me. How I feel about it depends on the reason they are crying, and how they act about it. From my experience, there are essentially four things that can happen:
T cries because of something going on for them, but stays in control.
T cries because of something going on for them, but loses control.
T cries because of something going on for me, but stays in control.
T cries because of something going on for me, but loses control.

Ts are human too, and most of my Ts have been pretty open about their personal lives. And sometimes things are rough for them, and they cry in a session as a way for them to get something out. I know this is not "professional" but, for me, I don't mind as long as they stay in control, and don't need me to put them back together. I like listening to people, and I don't mind if my T needs to vent a bit about their life.

Sometimes Ts cry because of something that is going on for me - out of empathy. Again, I don't mind this (and sometimes find it as a good connection moment) as long as they stay in control and don't get so upset that I have to console them. (I often do try to do it anyway, but the difference is whether I do it because I want to, or because they are so distraught that I have to) As much as I like caring for and helping others, it tends to strain the therapy relationship when there is a role reversal like that.

So, in summary, I really don't mind when a T cries in a session, whether it has something to do with me or them, as long as they stay in control and don't *need* me to support them.

[skeksi]

A couple of times when I have been experiencing very painful emotions, T has looked like maybe he was feeling them, too, to the point of tearing up. I couldn't tell exactly, but it felt good to me. Connected. Like Sistah says, I understand why he might feel so much for me. He cares and I like that.

[stopdog]

I hope the one I see has not felt like crying and, even more, that she never actually does do it. I fully recognize her mortality without it.

[velcro003]

I would be so freaked out if my T teared up, but i am not too worried abt it because i have nothing traumatic to talk about. I also dont experience a huge range of emotions and rarely cry-only if something is really upsetting, like when my grandfather died. I saw my T the day after i found out, but it took me 40 min to tell her, and even then i couldnt say the words. She must have felt something because that is the one and only time in 5 1/2 yrs she has asked to hug me. I said yes, but was mostly uncomfortable and kept thinking "Man, this hug sure is lasting a long time." I rarely look at my T, so to me she is pretty emotionless.

I think it is "right" to cry if your emotions and empathy are real for your patient. I think it would only validate the patients feelings even more when sharing something so traumatic. Hopefully, no one would ever bring on phony tears to pretend to share in a client's grief. Being phony and faking empathy may work for a moment but a patient will eventually realize the truth (that won't be a good thing). Never has a T cried with me (maybe a glisten?). However, when I'm crying myself I can't even see, so I may not know?

As with everything, I think it depends on the context. I think if my T weren't to have control over her emotions, my therapy would be in danger of becoming about her. There was, however, one time I think she teared up - or was very close to it - but it was very reassuring to me, that she was invested in the relationship.. a human moment that helped to convince me she cared. I don't believe she 'did it on purpose' - how manipulative would that feel?! - but rather seemed to try to hide it (prolonged hug, wouldn't let me see her face..)

[Anne2.0]

I don't really share the cultural belief that tears, or crying, are unprofessional or evidence a lack of control or a person who is irreparably wounded. I think tears are just a normal part of human interaction and they just happen sometimes, and you can't necessarily know the meaning or the reason for why someone is crying. Some people cry when they are sad, some people cry when they are angry, some people cry at bittersweet happy moment, some people cry at other people's tears, and I am sure there are other reasons that I can't think of right now or I haven't experienced.

All of the T's I have seen have teared up multiple times. My current T has, and he had a moment where his voice broke and I thought he might burst into tears when he was telling me something about his childhood and the lack of validation therein. It startled me, and he caught himself. I was okay with it, and I would like to think I would have been okay with it no matter what happened. I am working on accepting other people's emotional expressions, and recognizing that they don't have much to do with me.

People cry a lot when I work with them (I work exclusively with very traumatized people, I don't think they cry because of me). Usually they apologize and I tell them that their tears are not a burden or an upset or any harm to me. I try to give them space to cry without making it seem like it's all about the crying. But tears and other strong emotions are all in a day's work for me, and I'm trying to get to that place in my personal life where that's the case too.

Old t cried a little bit, two or three times in 7years. Once her cat had just died and i knew she wasnt in a good space herself, so i think it made her more sensitive to my feelings.

My current t, we have cried together a few times. We have been through the ringer together in the past few years. She is open about showing her feelings (whether its mad or sad or happy). That has helped me a lot and made me feel better when she does those things. It has made me realize that if she is a strong person and can cry, i can cry too and still be a strong person- that crying isnt weak ( thats what i was taught growing up.) Her showing her range of feelings (especially tears and anger) has helped me learn to be more expressive and see that its ok- i dont have to remain closed up all the time. Seeing her express her feelings has been one of the most healing aspects of therapy for me.

I think it's very interesting that the article is about research done in the US, about American therapists - my first thought when seeing the link to the BBC article was that it was probably based on British therapists. While people in all countries are individuals, there are culturally based notions around tears, and my perspective as an outsider in both countries is that tears are less accepted in many contexts in Britain than they are in many contexts in the US.

Originally Posted by moonlitsky

Thank you for sharing that news story CantExplain. It feels very unbalanced and negative somehow to me.

Interesting! I read it as being basically very positive to the idea although with some natural caveats. What I missed in the article was any real information about the study. We got percentages but no raw figures at all, so we don't know whether it was based on 5 or 50 or 500 people....

Anyway, I cannot really imagine my (British-born) T - or any T I've seen in the past - reacting with visible sadness, or by being upset in any way about anything I might say, so I don't know how it would feel. I don't think it would feel good, but maybe it would seem as if he genuinely cared? I simply don't know.

[krisakira]

My old T from before I moved 3 years ago once told me "My goal in therapy is to get to the point where I can cry with you." I don't truly understand the point other than perhaps getting that connection a T and client should have in order to help the client as best as possible. He did cry once, toward the end before I moved.

I have had a few tear up, and one did have a few tears, but it's not like he was indulging in his own sobbing. I find it to be a highly empathetic reaction in a therapist who is comfortable showing his or her feelings, and I see it as a positive.

Thanks for the article!

[Perna]

I asked a friend here with me and they said a therapist should be "clinical" or "professional" and I argued that I want a relationship, a genuine relationship and tears might happen :-) If I could not ever witness the experience of having what I said move someone else, who would I be? Some things hurt! I want that mirrored so I know it's not "just me"?