[growlycat]

I had a bit of a rupture in therapy last week but I thought we were finally moving in the right direction. He had apologized for not recognizing where I was at and he self-disclosed some helpful things to know. Today's session sucked. It's like we never repaired anything. Any warmth and caring that was there was gone gone gone. He gets so cerebral it's infuriating.

Maybe by using a flat tone of voice he thinks that makes him impartial. It just covers up the BS that he is judging me. I feel so low.

growly cat, can you talk to him about this?

[stopdog]

I am sorry it did not go well. It is very frustrating I think.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by growlycat

He gets so cerebral it's infuriating.... Maybe by using a flat tone of voice he thinks that makes him impartial. It just covers up the BS that he is judging me. I feel so low.

Can you bring to his attention that he has been using a flat tone of voice with you and ask why? He may not know he has been doing that. Bringing it to his attention may lead to some insight from him into his unconscious motivation, and hopefully that knowledge would help him improve therapy. If it was a deliberate behavioral choice on his part, then he could explain why he is doing it. Maybe his intent is not to make you feel low and infuriated. Maybe he actually had a different intent and learning how you feel can help him see his behavior did not help in the way he thought it would.

[Anne2.0]

I do not understand why you think he is judging you. And I also don't think you can know what he thinks about using a "flat" voice tone. Sunrise makes a good point that just pointing out the voice tone to him and asking him about it is a good way of understanding it from his point of view. But until you do that, I think that you are overinterpreting a behavior that may have other meanings, and in general, telling other people what they think or what their motivations are is a pretty destructive way to communicate. Operating as if you know these things without attempting to figure out if you're correct is kind of like being a bull in a china shop. I think checking out your perceptions and moving carefully is a good plan.

There is something about your description of the flat voice tone that makes me think "gentle." Is is possible that he was trying to be gentle in what he said?

[growlycat]

Thanks everyone!
My kids---yes, the conversation continues. At least he was ok with contacting me during the week. I know in a normal mind that would be evidence of caring
Stopdog-thanks for the support--sorry my post probably doesn't have enough info..i'll try to work on that i'm realizing
hi sunrise--I've brought it up and will probably keep pointing it out. Again, I may have left out important parts of the story
Anne 2-- i can appreciate what you are saying..i didn't give a lot of info on the judging part did I? It isn't the tone of voice alone though. Over the past few sessions he is relentless about "taking responsibility" for what I'm not sure, probably what I bring to the interaction? That I always see the other person as at fault? seems so harsh and kind of an exaggeration of a small truth.

[learning1]

I am all for finding nicer therapists, and that kind of talk does not fit the bill

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by growlycat

i didn't give a lot of info on the judging part did I? It isn't the tone of voice alone though. Over the past few sessions he is relentless about "taking responsibility" for what I'm not sure, probably what I bring to the interaction? That I always see the other person as at fault? seems so harsh and kind of an exaggeration of a small truth.

I don't see that as a judgment, I see that as an observation. An observation is "It seems to me that you are seeing the other person as the problem here" is different from a judgment that is about "you are bad" for engaging in said behavior. An observation is like feedback, which I find incredibly valuable and on the rare side in therapy and in life, because many people are unwilling to share their observations, and instead just sidestep the issues.

But it's a great thing to raise with him, that you think he's exaggerating, or that you're not exactly clear about what he thinks you should take responsibility for, or your feelings of being judged, or whatever.

The larger issue to me is whether this is a problem for you in your life, or in your relationships. If your T has gotten it all wrong, then perhaps going down this road isn't productive. But I think if you are deflecting the issue by complaining about the "judgment" and the "exaggeration" and you know that you'd be better off addressing the real stuff here, then I'd encourage you to go for it directly. Blaming others is a negative dynamic in relationships and getting rid of this kind of pattern would likely really benefit you, if this is a problem. If you want healthier, more satisfying, more intimate relationships. So instead of pointing the finger at your T (which is pretty much an illustration of what he's bringing up in the first place), finding a place where you can change this pattern is likely to pay off.