[Yobeth]

My T rarely talks about herself. She is very professional. The only thing she mentions is when her kids are sick because then she cancels her appointments as she doesn't have a baby sitter. If I ask her a question like where are you going on your 6 week long vacation, she will tell me. Most times, I need to ask her the question and then she replies but she never gives me any information without me asking her.

I read an interesting article on PC that most graduate schools will require the student T to have their own therapy. The article was about an APA survey of Ts, and I think it was 87% said they seen a T.

I remember clearly stating in one of my sessions last year how hard it is to sit on this side of the sofa and how she (my T) can't understand what I'm going through. She never responded to that. She never said, no your wrong because I did go through my own T.

This is the 2nd time that I am aware that I said something wrong, that she didn't speak up. The other time, I was explaining to her how a certain Jewish holiday is observed and then later found out she was Jewish and she never said to me that she knows about the holiday because she is Jewish.

I confronted her about the Jewish holiday issue and asked her why she didn't tell me and all she said was "I don't know".

So do I confront her again and ask her why she didn't tell me she had therapy when I mentioned it before or do I just let it go. I do want to ask her how she knew her T understood how she was feeling because I always feel she doesn't understand what I'm going through and how I feel. I would also be interested to know what was the most difficult part of therapy for her but not sure if she will answer this. Her answers to my questions will make me feel she is more "human". Thanks for your input.

[Sometimes psychotic]

I don't think that your T is required to tell you every pertinent detail. Therapy is supposed to focus on you not her. I would not confront her however if it will help you feel free to ask her why she chose not to reveal this information.

[tinyrabbit]

I imagine she didn't say she was Jewish as she would have been taking over the conversation and making it about her. When I said I play guitar my T didn't say he did too - it came up another time. I remember once I was telling my T something and he said he knew what I meant (it was something most people don't know about) and I felt kind of irritated as I had actually wanted to explain it my way.

My T says he needs to be careful not to overwhelm me with too much info when I asked a question about his own T, namely if they'd been male or female.

As to what you said about how your T couldn't understand what you were going through, she couldn't even if she had done therapy for decades as she is not you. You were telling her you felt she couldn't understand you and if she disagreed that would be invalidating. The conversation was about you not her. Similarly if you're talking about how you celebrate a Jewish festival do you want her taking over with talk of her own practices?

All just worth considering.

[ECHOES]

She is keeping your therapy about you.
She may not have had therapy - she may be in the 13% who didn't/don't. I don't think that means she can't understand what you are going through. That's what her education, training, and experience is about - understanding and empathizing.
I can understand the pain of divorce, even though I have not been married or divorced.

But you might talk to her about how you feel when she doesn't respond. Because that is about you, and how you feel, and what you want or need.

[wotchermuggle]

I just want to reiterate what others have said in that your T is trying to keep your therapy about YOU. I'm sure that with every client there are several times a session that they could pipe in with related content from their own life - but that's not the point of therapy. The point of therapy is to talk about YOU. Sometimes, T's might add something in, but the more they add of THEM into a session, the less it is about YOU.

[Yobeth]

But I feel she should correct me if I'm wrong. If I say you can't understand, she should say yes I can.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by Yobeth

But I feel she should correct me if I'm wrong. If I say you can't understand, she should say yes I can.

Most of them will not disclose too much personal information. You're asking her to disclose in exactly the way she would treat a friend. It helps not to think of them as friend but as a unique relationship that is unparalleled in life.

Good luck and if it still bothers you by all means tell her that it does. Some therapists disclose more than others depending on their treatment style.

[stopdog]

I see no reason why a person could not talk to the therapist about these things if they are concerning you.

[manymiles]

Originally Posted by Yobeth

I always feel she doesn't understand what I'm going through and how I feel. I would also be interested to know what was the most difficult part of therapy for her but not sure if she will answer this. Her answers to my questions will make me feel she is more "human". Thanks for your input.

If it was me I would tell my T just what you said above "I always feel you don't understand what I'm going through and I would like for you to feel more human to me".

In terms of T saying that they understand I think if you tell her how you feel as exemplified above it gives you both opportunities to explore these. Also it could allow for her to show you that she understands in the future - not that it would necessarily mean telling you her personal experiences.

[Anne2.0]

It seems to me that you're assuming that she has been in therapy. Just because 87% of therapists have been doesn't mean that she has. And, to me, just because I've been in therapy doesn't mean that I understand how hard it is to sit on the couch. I don't find therapy itself hard; I find it difficult to speak about some of the things I raise. But she may not be able to relate to what you were saying about therapy, because not everyone experiences therapy the same way.

On the Jewish holiday issue-- and I am Jewish-- Jews really differ in their awareness about the holidays. I've known Jews that have celebrated Christmas as a secular holiday and couldn't tell you what the whole point of Chanukah is. I recently asked my almost 12 year old why we eat dairy foods on Shavuos and he didn't know (neither did my H), and they are both very observant and go to services on most saturdays and every holiday. So I guess I would say that just because someone is Jewish, it doesn't mean that they know anything at all about the holidays or that they have the same knowledge that you do.

I think it is perfectly fine to "confront" your T about how you feel about these things, but you might want to consider that your assumptions and beliefs might be wrong, and maybe that's the real issue to discuss. In my experience, making assumptions and having specific beliefs about people that don't have a basis doesn't usually bode well for a relationship. I think it's better to be curious than to be confrontational. As in, "hey T, I was thinking about what I said to you once about how hard therapy is for me, and then the other day I saw a statistic that most T's have been in therapy themselves, and I was just wondering, was your experience like mine?"

I also think that people don't have to have "been there" to be able to understand what an experience is like for someone else. It feels to me that sometimes when people say, "you can't understand because you haven't been there", what they really mean is "if you are disagreeing with me, then it's because you haven't been there."

[iGottaBme]

It might be better received if you had conversation with your T rather that to "confront" her. After all, to confront is confrontational. I imagine that your T has a good reason for not offering information about herself. My former T was a true blank slate T and didn't tell me a single thing about himself whether I asked or not. He said that the therapy is about me and only me.

[EllieBear]

I would definitely talk about it, but "confronting" to me is not the mindset I would go into it with. Your T isn't doing anything wrong or inappropriate...I agree with the other posters that she is staying focused on you in therapy as she should be. The important thing is your feelings about it, and those I would definitely share with her. If it were me, I would focus more on just sharing my reaction to what she is doing and seeing what I could learn about myself from that, and less on thinking she is doing something that needs to change. She may or may not be willing to share more with you, but either way you can look at why it's bothering you that she doesn't...because like other posters have said, what she is doing in letting you explain things she already knows, etc...some people would prefer that. Maybe talking more about how it's affecting you and how it makes you feel would be helpful...I don't know. For me it is.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Yobeth

But I feel she should correct me if I'm wrong. If I say you can't understand, she should say yes I can.

This is so interesting. You want her to correct you if she thinks you're wrong? What if you two disagree? How can she have - what is it - optimal positive regard for you and be judging you at the same time?

What may be more important to her, is to try and figure out what is behind your feeling that she is unable to understand you. Do you feel no one understands you? when did this start? More than trying to "correct" your current thought. That just puts a bandaid on it.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by Yobeth

But I feel she should correct me if I'm wrong. If I say you can't understand, she should say yes I can.

But everyone's different. I would feel invalidated and angry if my T "corrected" me like this.

[content30]

To me, your T's behavior sounds very normal and good. A good T makes therapy about the client. I saw my T for well over a year before she ever told me that she went to therapy. She did not go to therapy as a result if being forced to by grad school. She went for her own issues, was greatly helped, and that made her want to be a T. She only disclosed this because I told her that I wanted to be a T but was worried about not being perfect and having had my own issues. My T rarely discloses.

As far as religion is concerned, unless you were specifically seeking out Jewish therapy, I do not see why your T would comment about her personal religion at all. The first two Ts I saw never did. My current T is a Christian counselor, and I specifically went to her because of this. So, we talk about God, the Bible, etc. in therapy but only be ause I see her for that component as well. However, if she was not in a Christian counseling group, I would never expect her to mention it. I don't find it odd that your T said nothing about being Jewish.

To me, neither of these things would be cause for confrontation, but if you want to discuss it with her, then I don't think there is anything bad about that. She will probably just respond with something to the effect of therapy being about you and not her.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Yobeth

My T rarely talks about herself. She is very professional. The only thing she mentions is when her kids are sick because then she cancels her appointments as she doesn't have a baby sitter. If I ask her a question like where are you going on your 6 week long vacation, she will tell me. Most times, I need to ask her the question and then she replies but she never gives me any information without me asking her.

((Yobeth))

This is the classic "Blank Slate" technique. The idea is that the less you know about your T, the easier it is to project feelings onto her.

Frankly, I hate this and I have doubts about the theoretical justification. But if your T believes in it, she won't budge.

Your options are (a) to accept that T won't open up, or (b) to find one that will. Either way, you've got some grieving ahead of you. Sorry!

[JustWannaDisappear]

My first therapist wouldn't give me info on herself except once she told me had an ED as a teenager. Otherwise she never corrected me or gave info even if I asked.

Personally I felt nervous the entire session and couldn't open up.

With my current T we do a conversation at the beginning and catch up, she will tell me if she has any exciting news (new grandchild, weddings) I enjoy it because it relaxes me and I am able to open up and work on things. She has asked several times if I feel okay with that and if it's therapeutic for me.

She hasn't ever given me info on being in therapy, but isn't that what a supervisor is for a therapist??? I know she has dealt with a few things herself and was in treatment many years ago. We don't get into it tho.

[tinyrabbit]

That's not what a supervisor is, no - you wouldn't normally combine the two like on In Treatment (I asked my T and he said this is not advised).

A supervisor is there to discuss current cases, so someone is overseeing the T's work (without knowing who the clients are, I don't think). It's not the same as personal therapy for their own issues.

[elliemay]

Therapy can also be quite private. Perhaps she doesn't want to share. All professional boundaries aside, this situation could also be viewed as a personal boundary as well.

My motto is that if people want me to know something, they'll tell me. I'm just not sure that all things are fair game in our therapy.

Also, I certainly agree with others about the confrontation mindset. It's a discussion for sure, but confrontations rarely end well. It might just have been a word choice though.

[sidony]

I personally would have trouble connecting with a T who never shared anything about himself. My therapist has mentioned his own therapy, his own family problems, even his favorite pastimes in the course of our many conversations. It helps me to know him a bit better and to feel like I can relate. I wouldn't do well with a mysterious therapist who kept me at arm's length about his private life.