Experiment: trying SE at home for rage against my T

I know the rage isn't about my T. It's not her fault I have my issues. However, yesterday, I was feeling angry with her and my whole therapy situation, so I fantasized about taking a huge can of black paint and covering her painting with it. I like the painting; it's on her office wall, but that's irrelevant. What's relevant is that SHE painted it, so destroying it would be hurting her, and that's what I felt like doing.

I thought I'd try SE with myself. T would say to imagine taking the brush and painting over the painting, VERY SLOWLY, over and over. So I have nothing to lose, and tried that. I raised up my arm, imagining it holding a big paint brush, filled with black, and I moved my arm back and forth, covering every inch of her painting. I moved very slowly, as my T would say to do.

Surprise of surprises. After about 5 minutes, my arm got tired but I felt better inside. The rage went away. When you do a movement using somatic experiencing, it's supposed to done slowly. There's a reason for that, but I don't know what it is. My T is going to lend me a book about SE soon.

I don't really want to ruin my T's painting. I'm just angry because she's just another in a long line of Ts who disappoint me. I'm going to trust her about the SE. I don't have anything to lose. It's not invasive, and maybe it will help. I've got to work with her more. Not that I haven't wanted to do it, but my sessions get sidetracked with other stuff I bring up. I always think the talking is what will help. But I probably repeat myself over and over--same theme, in different ways. She hurts me, unintentially, I get angry, hurt, and feel hopeless. Velcro, you're right. I need to let myself try this other method. Thanks.

You're doing pretty good. I would have gotten some paper and whatever she used to create it (watercolors, etc...something similar) and done a mimic of it and then gotten some (washable, lest you get it all over) black paint, pinned it to the wall and gone at it, very slowly as you suggest here. And then torn it to bits.
So the fact you just went through this calming exercise in your mind might mean that....you are not as angry as I am, ha. I think you handled it quite well, and that it was a healthy exercise, and well done on thinking of the best way to handle your feelings in a constructive manner. We all fantasize about ways to get all sorts of feelings out. So kudos to you for handling it so well!

Rainbow,
Thanks for sharing this. That is really interesting, I don't really know anything about SE, but I like that you were able to express your rage somatically, and that it helped. Just guessing here, when we store our memories somatically like rage at a certain trigger, maybe acting out the rage in the way you did somewhat releases the memory, or expresses it? I don't know. I am impressed with your progress. When you get the book, I hope you post more about why it helps and such. Thanks! Sending you tons of hugs!

but my sessions get sidetracked with other stuff I bring up. I always think the talking is what will help.

This is a good point. I'm doing somatic experiencing too and actually when i go in i don't tell T what's going on for me in the present, we don't really talk much about the past either, not on any deep level. I don't know why i don't feel it's relevant to talk about things that have maybe bothered me during the week. And i have no great need to talk about the past. Come to think of it.. i'm not sure what we talk about LOL but the hour goes by just as quickly. I pretty much go in and let her talk for the 1st few minutes, i'm giving her the control of the sessions ie where she thinks it needs to go, she's the expert in S.E afterall.

Do you think you could try not talking so much and let her lead the session to where it needs to go? The problem with talking so much is you're accessing a part of your brain that doesn't need the help so much, it's the part of the brain that stores trauma that S.E is working with. A lot of your rage is coming from that part and is unable to be controlled by just talking/thinking it out.

Thanks, Asia. You understand it better than I do. I didn't realize why the talking doesn't help, though often it does, or seems to, but it's not lasting. My anger/rage is really coming out now, so I'm going to try very hard to let my T lead the way. She's good at doing the SE, when I let her. I emailed her this: "Please make me do SE for the whole 90 minutes". I tend to think "it's not helping" but I saw for myself twice that it does help. It's so hard to say where in my body I feel stuff, though. I know you don't like that question either. I say what I feel, but she wants physical places, not emotional.

SE is based on Dr. Peter Levine's research on animals in the wild and how they recover from trauma. His first book is Waking the Tiger. My T says another book by him is better, though. There's stuff online about SE, and even a youtube by Dr. Levine. I don't know if I watched it all, though. Maybe it has the answer about why do it slow.

Also, if your trauma pre-dates the age where you were able to talk, ie when you were a little baby then there are no words for the trauma, you probably won't have any memories of it either but it is stored in your body, your body remembers the trauma and it is stored in a very basic part of the brain which is responsible for automatic responses, where the flight, fight or freeze response is, our survival part of the brain essentially. When operating from this part all other non essential parts of your body close down, blood rushes only to essential organs (which is why your hands and feet sometimes go cold when you're in a scary situation ). This enables your body to be in survival mode. You have NO control over this response, there is no thinking going on because it's not an essential part of survival- and is why talking with your T isn't helping long-term. That's why it's important to work thru the trauma using somatic experiencing- to calm down the parasympathetic nervous system, you need to train your body to calm itself and realise there is no life and death situation.

Seems to me doing things slowly is a good way to learn and break things down, generally. To do things consciously and with control. I think of tai chi, and how relaxing that is. I think of various moving meditations, which as far as I have seen are always slow. To be able to slow something down brings both peace and a chance to notice automatic reactions and urges against the slow background, to tune in to what's happening with oneself. It's the opposite of getting riled up, reactive, or triggered. From what little I've read of the technique, it makes sense to me it would be slow.

It is funny that you say this, because I almost mentioned something I read about a horse that was somehow traumatized (I don't remember how). From what I remember, it started shaking and then got up and continued to run and was fine. I think the point was that animals know how to somatically release their trauma, whereas humans use their intellect and it gets stuck somewhere in the body. Interesting.

Awwwww, Rainbow. I loved this!