[likelife]

I received an email from exT today, saying that she had mailed a termination letter yesterday, and would I let her know when I received it?

I haven't received the letter yet, and imagine it will arrive tomorrow. I'm feeling rather petulant at the moment, like I don't want to have any contact with her ever again. She had directed me, in our last session, to process the letter with my new T, so I'm obviously not welcome to actually comment to her on the letter.

The mature thing to do would just be to let her know I got it, obviously. But I'm not feeling particularly mature at the moment. I thought I'd try to crowd source this decision. What do y'all think?

[jkbob]

Do you need to sign it? I would let her know you received it by signing it and mailing it right back.

Or just write "return to sender" on it

[CantExplain]

I try to stay on civil terms even with Ts I hate.

I suggest:
1. Email her when you get it. "I got your letter. Thanks."
2. Don't read it yet. Sit on it for a month or two and then process it with your new T.

Madame T gave me a referral letter but I'm not going to show it to Mr T until I've finished grieving and he knows me better. I'm hoping he'll say, "Madame T is crazy. You're not like that at all." And in the meantime I can enjoy that fantasy.

[pbutton]

I wouldn't respond to her. But I'm not feeling particularly mature today either.

[Jungatheart]

I think you should do whatever your gut says. You are not responsible to reply, nor do you owe her anything. I don't know your whole story, but perhaps in a way she is covering her butt - there is specific protocol a therapist is supposed to follow when terminating. Maybe not. If you reply, could you email it? It might be smart to have documentation of it if you choose to do so. And for the record, I don't think it's necessarily "mature" to respond.....maybe the mature thing to do is to protect yourself from her. Just my two cents.

Feel good in whatever choice you make.

[nessaea]

I think your feelings and are your feelings, and you should do what you are comfortable with. I don't know everything that happened with you and your exT, but I think you have to do what is best for you.

If it were me, when I got the letter, I would respond to her email with "Received the letter today. Thanks." or something like that, and nothing more. If you don't want to be in contact with her, then I wouldn't, but I know that personally, I would probably feel the need to just do ask she asked and get closure in that.

But you need to do what is best for you, and only you know that!

Good luck!

[wotchermuggle]

If it was me, I wouldn't reply. In my mind, replying lets the T off the hook and I'd want to keep them on the hook, mentally.

RATIONALLY.....I know that from a difficult ending with a T, that you really have to let go of the hurt to be able to move forward...so in that sense, I'd just be the bigger person and tell her you've received it and nothing else. Let them go and get on with your life.

[NWgirl2013]

Yes, you need to do the mature thing. Answer via email if possible. A quick, "received letter," with your signature will do.

[Anne2.0]

I think it's hard to make a predetermined response before you read the contents of the letter and check in with how you feel. I would say that you should feel free to choose (not just "respond" from some wounded place, but be mindful about it) any response you want.

I think that someone can ask you to let them know if you received a letter, but you are not obligated to do that. If she really wanted to ensure that she knew when or that you'd received it, she could have spent $.50 to get delivery confirmation or slightly more for a registered letter. Just because she's too cheap to use these post office services, doesn't mean that you have to let her know.

On the other side of this, it "costs" you nothing to let her know that you've received the letter. This might be a time when you want to take the high road and be willing to accommodate her request; however, there is nothing wrong in the alternative and you do not owe her a response.

I would generally advise against a hostile response, if you choose to respond at all, because I'm just generally of the mind that putting more negative stuff out there in the universe, even when it is justified, just isn't the right thing. For myself, being mean or hostile does not make me feel good perhaps one second after the response. In the long run, it kind of eats away at me and I regret that I put out bad stuff to join the multitudes of negative energy.

[ECHOES]

She's making a request, which you can agree to or not. It's your choice.
If she wanted to know if you received it, she could have sent it registered mail, or whatever it is called where the person receiving the mail has to sign for it and a copy of that goes to the sender.

I think it is entirely up to you and there is no right or wrong to it.

[mixedup_emotions]

I would send her an email saying F U.....But that's me in my less than mature state that's surfacing lately.

I like the suggestion of reading it first and seeing how you feel - and sharing it with your new T only if and when you're ready and want to.

I would also vote for not responding until after you read it. I certainly would not add "thanks" to any response I did send. But, that's me. Not telling you what to do.

[stopdog]

I would not reply until I had seen it either. And definitely no "thank you" from me to the woman.

It's up to you but it sounds to me like she is remorseful and TRYING to be nice and also covering her A R S E.
I would find it hard to be polite and to reply but she reached out so, If it were me I would respond and say yes, I got it. Nothing more.

She's not asking for a reply, only an acknowledgement that you received the letter. A quick response saing "received" is all she's asking for. I don't see why a one word response should be a problem.

[WikidPissah]

Respond or not...it's up to you. If your not feeling very charitable then don't. Seriously, it's kind of a lame request anyways. Most letters do not get lost in the mail anymore. I think she should have said "let me know if you DON'T get it". But that's just me.

[tinyrabbit]

I would have to wait until I had seen it. I think it's interesting she contacted you about it and didn't just send it and wait to see if you responded.

[unaluna]

Wtf? I have never gotten any kind of letter from any t. I guess it was always me that left, technically. There was someone on here last year or so who got terminated, then kept getting contacted by the t. It was very upsetting. An email about a letter?? I agree with anne, she could have registered it. It sounds like she is worried if you're okay, did she do the right thing. Telling you to process the lletter with your next t? Controlling much? I would not answer her. She needs to procesz her actions with her own t. If she contacts you again, I would ask her to stop and warn her I'm gonna call the cops. I know I sound a little cranky but I think she is out of line and she is NOT covering her butt, she is giving into her feelings at your expense and that is bad bad bad.

I actually got a letter like this from a therapist. I was having to discontinue therapy for financial reasons and the therapist felt it was an ill-advised move. In his professional opinion, he believed I needed to continue in therapy for my own well being and safety. He sent a letter to that vein; it was clearly a move he made in case I did indeed end up getting worse and/or hurting myself. He needed documentation that he had advised me against discontinuing therapy. I actually ended up finding a way to work out the finances and returned to therapy, very much in part to that letter.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I try to stay on civil terms even with Ts I hate.

I suggest:
1. Email her when you get it. "I got your letter. Thanks."
2. Don't read it yet. Sit on it for a month or two and then process it with your new T.

Madame T gave me a referral letter but I'm not going to show it to Mr T until I've finished grieving and he knows me better. I'm hoping he'll say, "Madame T is crazy. You're not like that at all." And in the meantime I can enjoy that fantasy.

There's no way I could wait a month or two to read it!

Have you read the referral letter that Madame T wrote?

[likelife]

Originally Posted by Jungatheart

I think you should do whatever your gut says. You are not responsible to reply, nor do you owe her anything. I don't know your whole story, but perhaps in a way she is covering her butt - there is specific protocol a therapist is supposed to follow when terminating. Maybe not. If you reply, could you email it? It might be smart to have documentation of it if you choose to do so. And for the record, I don't think it's necessarily "mature" to respond.....maybe the mature thing to do is to protect yourself from her. Just my two cents.

Feel good in whatever choice you make.

Thanks for your alternate take on what the "mature" course is here. I hadn't thought of it that way previously.

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

If it was me, I wouldn't reply. In my mind, replying lets the T off the hook and I'd want to keep them on the hook, mentally.

RATIONALLY.....I know that from a difficult ending with a T, that you really have to let go of the hurt to be able to move forward...so in that sense, I'd just be the bigger person and tell her you've received it and nothing else. Let them go and get on with your life.

I think my impulse not to respond comes from the same place you describe - I don't want to let her off the hook. I don't want her to feel as if she can just sort of wash her hands of me. But, I also realize that whether I respond or not doesn't really have any bearing on her. Maybe she'll wonder for a bit, but ultimately, she'll forget about it and I'll be left on the hook.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I think it's hard to make a predetermined response before you read the contents of the letter and check in with how you feel. I would say that you should feel free to choose (not just "respond" from some wounded place, but be mindful about it) any response you want.

I think that someone can ask you to let them know if you received a letter, but you are not obligated to do that. If she really wanted to ensure that she knew when or that you'd received it, she could have spent $.50 to get delivery confirmation or slightly more for a registered letter. Just because she's too cheap to use these post office services, doesn't mean that you have to let her know.

On the other side of this, it "costs" you nothing to let her know that you've received the letter. This might be a time when you want to take the high road and be willing to accommodate her request; however, there is nothing wrong in the alternative and you do not owe her a response.

I would generally advise against a hostile response, if you choose to respond at all, because I'm just generally of the mind that putting more negative stuff out there in the universe, even when it is justified, just isn't the right thing. For myself, being mean or hostile does not make me feel good perhaps one second after the response. In the long run, it kind of eats away at me and I regret that I put out bad stuff to join the multitudes of negative energy.

Thank you for the reminder to "respond" from a mindful, not a wounded place. And you're right, I can't really make the determination about what I want to do until I actually read the letter.

I agree with avoiding a hostile response. Tempting as it might be in the moment, I know it won't make me feel any better.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I would also vote for not responding until after you read it. I certainly would not add "thanks" to any response I did send. But, that's me. Not telling you what to do.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I would not reply until I had seen it either. And definitely no "thank you" from me to the woman.

I don't foresee adding "thanks" to anything I might write back, unless it was "thanks for screwing me over." But that kind of negates the whole avoiding hostility thing.

Originally Posted by hankster

Wtf? I have never gotten any kind of letter from any t. I guess it was always me that left, technically. There was someone on here last year or so who got terminated, then kept getting contacted by the t. It was very upsetting. An email about a letter?? I agree with anne, she could have registered it. It sounds like she is worried if you're okay, did she do the right thing. Telling you to process the lletter with your next t? Controlling much? I would not answer her. She needs to procesz her actions with her own t. If she contacts you again, I would ask her to stop and warn her I'm gonna call the cops. I know I sound a little cranky but I think she is out of line and she is NOT covering her butt, she is giving into her feelings at your expense and that is bad bad bad.

I do think that there's a part of her email that is about trying to reassure herself. If she's had a change of heart (highly doubtful), I would prefer her to just say that, rather than going at things in a weird, roundabout way. It does feel controlling too. The registered mail aspect didn't occur to me, but yes, obviously, if she really needed to know I received it to cover her butt, she could have done that.

[likelife]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I actually got a letter like this from a therapist. I was having to discontinue therapy for financial reasons and the therapist felt it was an ill-advised move. In his professional opinion, he believed I needed to continue in therapy for my own well being and safety. He sent a letter to that vein; it was clearly a move he made in case I did indeed end up getting worse and/or hurting myself. He needed documentation that he had advised me against discontinuing therapy. I actually ended up finding a way to work out the finances and returned to therapy, very much in part to that letter.

I'm glad the letter helped you to return to therapy.

[likelife]

Ugh. I got the letter. I skimmed it, but can't bring myself to read it again. My first impression was a confirmation that she really didn't understand me at all. Like we were speaking different languages all along

And her request for me to let her know I got it - it's just making me angry right now. I guess the feeling is mutual: I don't understand her either.

[content30]

If she needed to know, then I'm not sure why she wouldn't send it certified mail, return receipt requested. Then, you'd have to sign for it. Either way, in my mind, the right thing to do is to let her know when you receive the letter. You don't have to read it or do anything else. However, I'd suggest replying and stating: "I am in receipt of your aforementioned letter." <-sounding super business like is kind of my way of getting back at people like...I'm not acting like I care at all...I'm being super formal. Of course, do what you want. If you don't respond to her, then she may send a second letter via certified mail.

My ex-T that dumped me out of nowhere wrote me one once my next T asked for it, and of course I got a copy from him, but nothing in it was a shock. Just very straightforward. And 5 pages long.
Read it, see how you feel about letting her know (or not), but you don't owe her jack****. And definitely not a thank you. Ugh.
Addendum: Missed you got it and read it. Based on what you said, let it settle and I wouldn't respond right now. Read it again if you feel ready to do so.