Trauma and Terrified in T

Haven't seen my T in about a month now,so I'm low key freaking out After my SUI attempt earlier in the week I was hoping to see her (not suicidal now) but yesterdays session got rescheduled to next week same time but for some reason I have the urge to cancel again for next week.

I'm not sure if this is the right form to talk about this but here goes....so because of family issues I decided to give my younger sibling my session to go in for my time slot but now I kind of want my session back because I feel like right now I need it more. I told my T I wanted to start working on trauma,I previously wrote how I wanted to work on the trauma of the 13 year old girl who got bullied&neglected in her own house for years,well now the 5 year old who got molested is started to come out and she's competing with the 13 year old. Its like they're trying to see who can out hurt each other

Making me feel even more worthless and hopeless that either one of them will ever get fixed. I feel pathetic,like I'm wasting both my T and my own time. I'm terrified and anxious to be that vulnerable to let those little girls out and have their own voice.

What if when I get there I can't talk? What if none of the little girls can be found?

Should I even go?I want to work on it but what if I get there and its too traumatic?

I'm starting to push my T away again and she keeps telling me that she's still here,so why do I keep doing this? I keep going back and forth

I don't know what I'm looking for here,any and all responses are welcomed!!

I'm so stuck!!

I am sorry you're having a hard time with t. I can relate to the stuck feeling, as this is an ongoing theme in my therapy. Also the fear of wasting my T's time. I don't understand where the wasting time fear comes from for me, so not sure how to help you there...just know I understand how frustrating and depressing it can feel

I don't cancel my sessions, but I did show up a little late tonight /: I am trying not to cancel because, for me, the idea of not going makes me feel more afraid of my life than going...if that makes any sense at all. It sounds like you need some care and going to see your T might be a good thing right now...I'm glad you chose to reach out here for support

Sounds like you share a T with your sibling? Any way you can both have separate T's? It just sounds unusual. My cousin and I share a T but I saw him first, so T asked my permission. I said ok, and no problems so far.

However, sharing with my sisters? Oh I would feel so jealous.

Be honest as you can with T--call, send a message--really important that they know you are sui...

This was a last big part of healing for me. Similar ages (5 &14) as you've stated. We used photos of those ages. I gathered portraits from the ages of 3 to 17. I could reach out to love, and show compassion for all the other ages, except ages 5 & 14. They were down right stubborn, and I hated those parts of me. We were making progress, but slower than I wanted, and they left me empty after the sessions, with nothing but - pain, pain, pain.
I finally brought the pictures to psychodrama as my individual therapist suggested, and voila - RELIEF! Then a 2-4 more psychotherapy, and I learned how to love all of me. This in turn, lead to where I am now; termination phase.

I wish you well, and am sending positive thoughts your way.

Thanks for your understanding and compassion. I know for me the feeling of wasting time has always been there,because I always felt like I was too much for people,that I was talking but I never said anything and nobody had the time to listen.

You're tough!!I wish I never started cancelling because now I'm at a point where I'm constantly cancelling and quitting and lately I've been late the last 3-4 times,not intentionally. She prob thinks I'm not taking this serious or trying hard enough. I feel like I need her as well but I hate to feel "needy"

I don't share her,but I've let her borrow mine. I actually recommended it. My younger sister wanted me to be in the room with her for her session but I'm not sure if its just temp while she's dealing with her issues. When I think of it,I'm kinda feeling like I don't want to share her anymore,that she's mine and I shouldn't have to. Does that make me bad or wrong for wanting to be selfish and no share my T?idk

I try reaching out,sometimes,sometimes its unbearable to let someone else see or hear me be that weak

Wow and you got through it all?That takes courage!!
awww I hope it all works out for you and thank you


I'm freaking out because I'm not sure I'll make it through the week without having a meltdown and/or panic attack

You aren't weak, facing your problems is brave.

If you talk to your sis and T about sharing, maybe T can help her find a great match of her own. As long as she is getting counseling too, then you are still helping her.

I couldn't get thru my sessions without both me and my t holding stuffed dolls. He holds the doll that I swear looks like me, and I also swear she shows emotion. She looks serious, she looks concerned, she doesn't believe him, etc etc. Sometimes she's happy.

I think I feel the same way about being "too much" for people, but I am still trying to understand where that originated from...I have a feeling it probably started early on for me.

Thank you but I don't feel particularly tough lol...I think that I just don't want to pay a cancellation fee. Or even if I were to cancel more than 24 hours in advance and avoid the fee, I would still have to call my T! Leaving a message wouldn't be so bad, but knowing my luck he would answer So no, I'm not all that courageous...I just have a fear of changing anything up and whatnot. Usually I barely make it on time to my appts., but I was late to our last session...

I told my T once that I felt I should be farther along than I am and I feel guilty about coming every week and not making enough progress. You know what he said? He told me how he has been viewing our sessions and that he sees progress - progress I am missing, I think. So that was really helpful to me.

I also struggle w/neediness. I HATE feeling needy and told my T so. I told him I didn't like it when I miss him and it seems incredibly illogical to me that I would miss him when I barely know him/just met him. He told me it sounded like I was mad at him for being important to me and at myself, for letting him become important.

Blah.

Therapy is not easy, huh? Hang in there! I know it's hard

Thank You I don't know how brave I am when I keep running away from T and my T

Agreed,I like that idea, I really I don't want to share my T (she's miiine) *5 year old voice*

@hankster awww that sounds like a great way to get through it,congrats on finding something that helpp,wish I could


Wow!! I remember saying the same thing to my T and her response being the same as well....

I think most people do,most people never want to feel dependent on another person,especially when you barely know them.

Its def. not,I will try!!

The longer I go w/o seeing my T,the more the little girls inside retreat back into there cacoon. They are terrified and they want someone to hug them,to tell them it'll be alright. But the present me knows she'll be okay,she always is,she doesn't need anyone but the 5 year old especially wants someone and he 13 year old just wants to be heard. I've been struggling really bad for the past 2 days!!! I just want her,my T....I sound like such a baby,like a little girl wanting her mommy (the 5 year old is coming out)
Gosh I'm pathetic!!