[Wren_]

needs!

They aren't going to be met in therapy
Talking about them makes them bigger and feel more urgent

So what do I do with them?

(edited to add: i am the problem, not my T)

I wish I had the answer too.

[~EnlightenMe~]

(((((((((((((((((Tiger)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Try a new therapist with a different approach. Have you ever considered this?

[Wren_]

Most of the people around here increasingly offer CBT which from experience of it, I don't think is going to help other than increase the guilt I have for having needs in the first place

((((((((anti))))))))

[rainbow8]

Oh, tigergirl! I'm sorry. It's hard to have needs and wish our Ts could meet them, but they can't!!! I agree that it's horrible!!!

But sometimes talking about them with a T helps us see a way out, a way to work on getting those needs met. Does that ever happen with you? If not, maybe Antimatter is right. Maybe there is a T out there with a different approach that will work better for you.

I know you've been struggling for a long time. I would so much like to see you happier. Does your T know your feelings? What does he or she suggest?

What do you do with the needs? Maybe try to approximate them in other ways. I'm not sure what needs you're talking about. Need for connection can be met by volunteering, for example, or participating in a group. Needs to love and be loved, by doing something with kids. Just some ideas because I don't know exactly what your situation is.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

needs!

They aren't going to be met in therapy
Talking about them makes them bigger and feel more urgent

So what do I do with them?

I'm wondering the same thing I mean, a therapist and therapy can only provide us so much.

[Miswimmy1]

sounds like what im going through right now. how bout a different therapist?

[stopdog]

I never found cbt useful.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Most of the people around here increasingly offer CBT which from experience of it, I don't think is going to help other than increase the guilt I have for having needs in the first place

((((((((anti))))))))

I do think some needs can be met in therapy, like having your emotions validated instead of someone trying to get you to think your way out of it. For me, this IS the answer. T has been gone three weeks, and I am so much better able to deal with all of my inner world emotions. Your T is doing you harm by increasing the guilt and shame, which may make you dissociate it more, which means when it emerges, it will be very powerful. I've done CBT and a trauma T, and this T has worked wonders for me in regards to my needs. I feel like a broken record, but this works! I wish you could find a therapist who could help you like this. ((((tiger))))

[ultramar]

I think regardless of the modality it's not possible for a therapist to meet all of a person's needs (though I guess this depends on how you define 'needs'), and this can hurt like heck. It comes up so much on this forum, I'm beginning to think that an important part of therapy is processing this, healing these types of wounds that are (re?)opened in the therapy itself; I don't think that feeling these wounds is necessarily an indication of a poor therapist, or therapy gone wrong, maybe it depends on how it's handled/approached/negotiated.

A therapist certainly shouldn't be making you feel ashamed for your needs, but often, regardless of this, we end up feeling ashamed anyway. How many people here's therapists tell them to feel free to contact them, to ask for help, yet still feel ashamed when they do. It can be such a poison -but maybe the best place to heal these wounds (re)activated in therapy is -in therapy. Maybe starting by talking about the feelings that are brought up from needs that can't be met. And this might lead to processing other things, including needs that weren't met when we were children, that we now need to mourn.

I can see how talking about what feels like is missing in therapy can end up making the pain worse. What if you try to talk about the needs that can and *are* being met in therapy? Or maybe journaling about this?

Can you think of things your therapist does with you and for you that help you, that make you feel good? Times when you feel comforted, heard and understood? It can be hard to hold on to those things when we're feeling really bad, but it helps a lot to try and keep them close to your heart, especially when you're feeling bad.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by ultramar

I think regardless of the modality it's not possible for a therapist to meet all of a person's needs (though I guess this depends on how you define 'needs'), and this can hurt like heck. It comes up so much on this forum, I'm beginning to think that an important part of therapy is processing this, healing these types of wounds that are (re?)opened in the therapy itself; I don't think that feeling these wounds is necessarily an indication of a poor therapist, or therapy gone wrong, maybe it depends on how it's handled/approached/negotiated.

A therapist certainly shouldn't be making you feel ashamed for your needs, but often, regardless of this, we end up feeling ashamed anyway. How many people here's therapists tell them to feel free to contact them, to ask for help, yet still feel ashamed when they do. It can be such a poison -but maybe the best place to heal these wounds (re)activated in therapy is -in therapy. Maybe starting by talking about the feelings that are brought up from needs that can't be met. And this might lead to processing other things, including needs that weren't met when we were children, that we now need to mourn.

I can see how talking about what feels like is missing in therapy can end up making the pain worse. What if you try to talk about the needs that can and *are* being met in therapy? Or maybe journaling about this?

Can you think of things your therapist does with you and for you that help you, that make you feel good? Times when you feel comforted, heard and understood? It can be hard to hold on to those things when we're feeling really bad, but it helps a lot to try and keep them close to your heart, especially when you're feeling bad.

This is exactly what I meant. Sometimes it seems like therapy is a bit of a tease too, in that no one is ever going to put us first like a therapist does. That isn't a real relationship in the world.

[Pisces3484]

Therapy and Therapists can be tricky. I would maybe find a different therapist or form of therapy. I personally, had been through a few different people before I found someone that worked for me. I like feedback and learning different ways to cope with my issues and my current therapist has been really helpful with both.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by ultramar

Can you think of things your therapist does with you and for you that help you, that make you feel good? Times when you feel comforted, heard and understood?

Do people feel these things about therapy? I have not had these type experiences with the therapist.

Originally Posted by stopdog

Do people feel these things about therapy? I have not had these type experiences with the therapist.

Yes, quite regularly actually. It is a major reason I go back. Having that time dedicated to voicing what I am experiencing and truly being heard is invaluable.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I never found cbt useful.

Can I get an Amen??

[learning1]

I don't know but I wish I knew too. Now that I go to a therapist in the evenings when there are sometimes social things I could be doing, there has been a pretty clear conflict between what to spend time on. Neither option seems likely to meet my needs in the foreseeable future, but both seem like essential things I should do to move toward a vague chance of meeting them someday.

[Wren_]

Thanks everyone, processing what you've said still (slow - sorry)

I need to say that the current T i have has never tried to make me feel guilty about having needs; a previous cbt T did but it's also been a big part of my life always as well (that guilt). Current T acknowledges, validates and has been helping me to talk about needs; the problem I'm having is I know he can't really meet them

Huge AMEN on the CBT sucking!
My Ts have been psychodynamic and have been very helpful to me.

[Wren_]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Oh, tigergirl! I'm sorry. It's hard to have needs and wish our Ts could meet them, but they can't!!! I agree that it's horrible!!!

But sometimes talking about them with a T helps us see a way out, a way to work on getting those needs met. Does that ever happen with you? If not, maybe Antimatter is right. Maybe there is a T out there with a different approach that will work better for you.

I know you've been struggling for a long time. I would so much like to see you happier. Does your T know your feelings? What does he or she suggest?

What do you do with the needs? Maybe try to approximate them in other ways. I'm not sure what needs you're talking about. Need for connection can be met by volunteering, for example, or participating in a group. Needs to love and be loved, by doing something with kids. Just some ideas because I don't know exactly what your situation is.

thanks rain at the moment I can't think of a way to get them met in any way it's more a problem with me than anything else. I'm already doing several of your suggestions and yes my T knows about the feelings and we've talked about them a lot.

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

I'm wondering the same thing I mean, a therapist and therapy can only provide us so much.

Exactly

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

sounds like what im going through right now. how bout a different therapist?

My therapist isn't the problem, I am. Thanks Swimmy

Originally Posted by stopdog

I never found cbt useful.

It helped me with some things, and made others worse

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I do think some needs can be met in therapy, like having your emotions validated instead of someone trying to get you to think your way out of it. For me, this IS the answer. T has been gone three weeks, and I am so much better able to deal with all of my inner world emotions. Your T is doing you harm by increasing the guilt and shame, which may make you dissociate it more, which means when it emerges, it will be very powerful. I've done CBT and a trauma T, and this T has worked wonders for me in regards to my needs. I feel like a broken record, but this works! I wish you could find a therapist who could help you like this. ((((tiger))))

(((anti))) i'm just so glad you have this T now and that things are working for you now

Originally Posted by ultramar

I think regardless of the modality it's not possible for a therapist to meet all of a person's needs (though I guess this depends on how you define 'needs'), and this can hurt like heck. It comes up so much on this forum, I'm beginning to think that an important part of therapy is processing this, healing these types of wounds that are (re?)opened in the therapy itself; I don't think that feeling these wounds is necessarily an indication of a poor therapist, or therapy gone wrong, maybe it depends on how it's handled/approached/negotiated.

A therapist certainly shouldn't be making you feel ashamed for your needs, but often, regardless of this, we end up feeling ashamed anyway. How many people here's therapists tell them to feel free to contact them, to ask for help, yet still feel ashamed when they do. It can be such a poison -but maybe the best place to heal these wounds (re)activated in therapy is -in therapy. Maybe starting by talking about the feelings that are brought up from needs that can't be met. And this might lead to processing other things, including needs that weren't met when we were children, that we now need to mourn.

I can see how talking about what feels like is missing in therapy can end up making the pain worse. What if you try to talk about the needs that can and *are* being met in therapy? Or maybe journaling about this?

Can you think of things your therapist does with you and for you that help you, that make you feel good? Times when you feel comforted, heard and understood? It can be hard to hold on to those things when we're feeling really bad, but it helps a lot to try and keep them close to your heart, especially when you're feeling bad.

Thanks, lots of suggestions here that I plan to look at more.

I was thinking earlier today

what does comfort feel like?

I'm not sure I know